ILs live five miles away and never (never) call to initiate anything

[Anonymous]

God I wish my MIL had some concept of boundaries...

[Anonymous]

Whenever I read these in-law threads, I so wish that I had daughters instead of sons. You just can't win for losing with daughters-in-law. Or sisters-in-law for that matter. Never see my brother anymore since he got married to a woman who is very close to her own family and is annoyed that her husband has one also.

[Anonymous]

I think it goes both ways. My MIL dreams up excuses - she is always "doing" something else - even if it is a crossword puzzle, it seems. Which is fine, everyone wants to think they are busy.

If I had small grandchildren locally, I would make an effort, act thrilled, make sure I see them, and be decent, warm and respectful to their mother (as I have been to MIL)... instead of spending my life doing useless things that don't matter. Isn't that what life is about? Some MIL's are just dense.

[Anonymous]

Oh, don't get me started. Except for me, it's my parents, not my in-laws. They don't live five miles away but they live in-state, are retired now and rarely make an effort to see their grandchildren except when my Mom calls to say how she hasn't talked to us in forever and how much she misses her grandkids (but there's always an excuse as to why they are too busy to drive up and see them...though we are always welcome to pack up our two kids and drive the five hours there). It really hurts when it's your own mother. So no, you aren't alone. (I'm the same poster who started a thread a while back about strategies for ensuring that your kids respect you, etc. when they become adults.)

[Anonymous]

BE THANKFUL!!!!

[Anonymous]

Listen, your own parents, that's a problem (if they don't like your kids, they don't like you). But your in-laws? Thank the gods that you don't have to see them very often. Really. They won't make you feel better about your spouse, unless they make you feel sorry for him/her at having to grow up with those freaks.

[Anonymous]

I think it goes both ways. My MIL dreams up excuses - she is always "doing" something else - even if it is a crossword puzzle, it seems. Which is fine, everyone wants to think they are busy.

If I had small grandchildren locally, I would make an effort, act thrilled, make sure I see them, and be decent, warm and respectful to their mother (as I have been to MIL)... instead of spending my life doing useless things that don't matter. Isn't that what life is about? Some MIL's are just dense.

PERFECT. I THINK MANY WOMEN RAISED IN THE 1930's DO NOT LIKE KIDS. THEY SUFFERED THROUGH THEIRS BECAUSE THEY HAD NO OTHER CHOICE.

[Anonymous]

I really wish my inlaws would try to spend time with my children. I don't know why they are so distant. They live about five hours drive from us, but it's far easier for them to visit us than vice versa. Our children love them, and talk about them. My parents are dead, so they are the only grandparents my kids have. I feel so sad they never see them. I don't know why it is. We invite them to visit, but they never come. They send gifts on holidays and birthdays. I guess they think that's enough. Sad, for me, DH and my kids.

[Anonymous]

No, you're not alone.
My ILs live 4 hrs away and we hardly see them and they NEVER call us.
After an all out dialogue on a recent visit, it was confirmed that they don't care. I'm quite sure MIL is depressed (for many reasons) and FIL is 100% self-involved. Their world extends to the end of their street (and we aren't there).
They are not bad people - in fact, I am grateful everyday that they raised such a wonderful son and father in my DH. For this reason, I will always *try* to be polite to them, regardless of what I get from them.

I am a little sad that the only living grandparents DD has don't take any interest in her, but I try to surround her with other loving people: my friends, my other family, our church.

Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Just throwing out an idea to OP (and maybe others):

what if you had a conversation with the in-laws about trying plan time for them to spend time with the grandkids once a month. Maybe the first Saturday of the month. You could approach it as a "hey, what do you think about having some special time every month to spend with Jane? We could tentatively plan for the first Saturday of the month and no hard feelings if something comes up on either end; perhaps we could reschedule. Thoughts?"

if they seem interested, help figure out timing, etc that would work. Maybe even just two hours? And you could mention that you or hubby would be happy to be there, or you could also "disappear" for a few hours if that sounds appealing.

I just wonder if a standing invitation, flexible of course, might help with the expectations or possible feelings if imposing.

Good luck, OP. Sometimes you just need to vent and i totally get how always being the one to initiate would get old very quickly.

[Anonymous]

Why look a gift horse in the mouth?

[Anonymous]

:06 - You are right - very smart!

Women born in the 20's/30's and maybe 40's went thought the motions and got married and had kids because they thought that is what they "were supposed to be" doing. In my MIL's case, probably so no one would think that she was/is a lesbian

MIL was not "present" mentally as a mother, it has become quite obvious. She also is not mentally "present" as a grandmother.

The once or twice a year when she comes over, she monopolizes the kids puzzles, *IF* she participates. Or she reads the paper instead of playing with them. At her house (again, once or twice a year), she goes on her computer or talks on the phone instead of playing with the kids for an hour or two. It's the strangest thing I've ever seen. It's not like they are staying over night (God forbid!) - in which case, they may starve anyway (she has a weird phobia against food and assumes everyone else does too - ick).

She is quite cold, emotionless and empty. She definitely had issues before me and the kids came along, and her bitterness shows. Whenever there is a happy event, she is there to be sour, as if she has something better to do; and she loves b*tching to her bridge friends about me. Which is funny, because she really doesn't know me, and I certainly don't bother with her. I am nothing but pleasant when I do see her.

In our case, MIL is very depressed and there is nothing I can do or say that will change that.

Who knows, maybe MIL is jealous, depressed or worse? It sounds like it is beyond you!

Sometimes, with some people, you can do no right, and it is just as well. Surround yourself with warm, positive people who appreciate you, your beautiful kids, your beautiful life and all you have to offer - and those who don't take so much WORK.

Your kids will form their own judgments soon enough, without you saying anything. Sometimes kids are accurate.