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ILs live five miles away and never (never) call to initiate anything
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Anonymous
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They claim to be crazy about our kids, and they love it when the kids spend the night there (maybe 2x/year at our initiative), but they never, ever initiate any kind of a get-together of any kind.
They rarely call, and when they do, the first words they say are "we haven't heard from you in a long time!" If we call, we get the same line immediately after they say hello. Once in awhile MIL will call to say hello, and she occasionally says "we haven't seen you in so long!" which is my cue to invite them to brunch or the like. It's hard not to feel resentful. Are we alone? |
Anonymous
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Just a thought.
Many people interpret lots of phone calls and requests for visits from IL to be pushy and over the top. You'll see quite a bit of posts about it on this board. Is it possible that the IL have taken the approach of "we'll take what we are offered" from your family and are desperately trying not to be viewed as an imposition? I ask because this happened to a friedn of mine who is a MIL. Her first son got married and within years he was having a "Serious talk" with her about how he had his own family now and that he only had so much time and how he needed some boundaries. With her second child, she spent a long time trying to be hands off and not impose at all. Eventually she got close with her DIL, who told her that she had wished she initiated more interaction! |
Anonymous
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Just a thought.
Many people interpret lots of phone calls and requests for visits from IL to be pushy and over the top. You'll see quite a bit of posts about it on this board. Is it possible that the IL have taken the approach of "we'll take what we are offered" from your family and are desperately trying not to be viewed as an imposition? I ask because this happened to a friedn of mine who is a MIL. Her first son got married and within years he was having a "Serious talk" with her about how he had his own family now and that he only had so much time and how he needed some boundaries. With her second child, she spent a long time trying to be hands off and not impose at all. Eventually she got close with her DIL, who told her that she had wished she initiated more interaction! |
Anonymous
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Be grateful try don't just show up at your house. ..every week, like mine do. Why don't you invite them to come over more often, or call and say 'we were thinking about dropping by sometime next week. The kids would love to see you guys.'
How was your husband raised? Did he often get together with family? Maybe it is normal to only see family a few times a year. My sisters husband has family 5 min away and they only see each other every2-3 months. |
Anonymous
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if she called to check often you'd be complaining of her being annoying.
poor ILs.. can't never get it right! |
Anonymous
| I could have written the same post. When I had our first baby, I got upset that they never brought dinner over or pitched in, while my mother was stocking the freezer and running loads of laundry. I invite them for dinner - often on weeknights after I come home from work - and expect them to reciprocate and they don't. Finally, I stopped paying attention and am just grateful that they aren;t stopping by every day. I think the in-law to daughter-in-law relationship is tricky and often, in-laws are so fearful of intruding that they do nothing. Know you are not alone!!!!! |
Anonymous
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I'm guessing your inlaws don't want to impose and wait for you to be polite.
My parents will do this at times (not call me and then complain they haven't heard from me or seen their grandchild). But my MIL - we are summoned by her. But at least she finally stopped inviting herself over (which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't last minute and always during nap time) |
Anonymous
But this can be taken too far. My MIL may want to be in my kids' lives, but she doesn't do much to show it. Take me out of the picture completely. If I'm a kid, I will eventually figure out for myself who really wants, or makes an attempt to see me and who doesn't. Like I said, MIL may want to spend more time with her grandkids, but she's so passive about it. I've never turned her down, times that she's asked to see the kids, and I always make sure she's invited to things (Christmas morning, Easter egg hunts, 4th of July picnics, etc.) |
Anonymous
OP here - yes, this. I understand that they may be overly passive for fear of not wanting to impose ('though if you knew them you would laugh out loud at such a notion), but jeez, it's tiresome being the only one who takes any initiative at all, you know? Thanks for your thoughts, all; I appreciate it. |
Anonymous
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My in-laws NEVER initiate seeing us/baby. Granted, they live a 4 hour drive away. But that's all the more reason to make plans. Maybe they're being polite by waiting for us to initiate, but I'm being polite by not inviting myself over!
FIL remarried after my husband's mother's death. The first time we were invited to their house was for the wedding (but it was ok to use us for slave labor to help clean out my FIL's house). I already have my two families to juggle (divorced parents). All interaction with them is at my husband's behest. They rarely call and came here to visit once in the five years before the baby was born. OP, I would leave it up to your husband to make plans. If he wants to put out the energy, go with it. But don't exert yourself to see them. It's their loss! |
Anonymous
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MIL is totally selfish and lives her life for *HER* - but I think she's always been like that, because her kids hate her (except for one who kisses her a** because she babysat/sits all the time). So, now you know how NOT to be when your kids get married, OP! My kids barely know who MIL (who lives local) is, but they know she "goes on trips" "golfs" "volunteers at the museum"....all kinds of things besides spending time with them! Her loss, truly - as she really is quite cold, heartless and bitter about something that happened way before us. It sounds like if you initiate, your IL's might have the heart to participate, which is nice to have! |
Anonymous
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My mother has no problem calling me to make plans to see my kids, but she does not do the same for my brother, and it is entirely to do with not wanting my brother's wife to feel like she is imposing (just FYI, everyone gets along fine, there are no tensions or weirdness, just my mom not wanting to overstep her bounds as "second" to my brother now that he's married).
I would suggest that your DH talk to his parents, or be the one to call to initiate plans, and maybe also gently suggest that you would be open to plans that revolve around their schedule and at their initiation. It might work, if they are like my parents and just feel uncomfortable imposing. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like a dream to me. My in laws would make daily requests if we let them. Nothing we did was ever enough and they are beyond self absorbed and annoying when we do see them. Why not just tell her you enjoy her company and she can feel free to call if she wants to get together. Perhaps she had awful in-laws like so many of us and she is trying to be pleasant. |
Anonymous
When my DH and I were dating/living together his mother was so annoying--called all the time, expected us to come over at least once a week (they live about 40 minutes away), etc. Now that we're married and are having our first child, she's backed off and we rarely see them anymore. On one hand, I am kind of annoyed (i.e.,they haven't expressed much interest in my pregnancy and don't seem like they will be coming to visit the baby but expect us to always come to them), but then I remember when my MIL would call in the middle of the night to ask how to turn the stove on and realize I should count my blessings. 
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Anonymous
| Lucky you! |