Sibling rivalry between people in their 50s ???

[Anonymous]

The mother could be a narcissist at worst or, at best, created this dynamic to keep the kids fighting for her affection. Trump has done this with his kids and with his staff. He likes to keep people fighting each other.

Look up Karpman’s drama triangle. Learning about that helped me exit from the sick dynamic.

I stopped caring about my mother’s approval long ago. Oddly, my mother complains constantly about my sister not doing enough for her and then praises me. I don’t like the praise as I consider it manipulative based on my mother’s past behavior.

Also strange is how my sister says things like she wants comfort from my mom over a bad situation. I’ve never gone to my mother for comfort because she would always blame me. My sister seems to have the false made up idea of our mother as a good mother. I see my mom as someone who never sought help for her mental illness and made us all suffer as a result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and his sisters.

Husband is early 60s, sisters are 51and 57. There has always been some sibling rivalry but it is STILL happening now that they're all middle aged.

It is mainly about their mother's affection and approval. MIL is early 90s and her health is slowly but surely declining.

I know for sure that MIL loves all her adult children, and BIL and me (DIL), yet one daughter still wants to be 'Queen Bee'. She seems to keep an eye on what her siblings are doing for their mother, and then wants to do more, or better.

My husband tries to stay out of it but sometimes he does get caught up in it.

Is this normal behaviour?
Sometimes I am glad to be an only ...

Not only is it normal, it seems odd that you'd ask about it being normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and his sisters.

Husband is early 60s, sisters are 51and 57. There has always been some sibling rivalry but it is STILL happening now that they're all middle aged.

It is mainly about their mother's affection and approval. MIL is early 90s and her health is slowly but surely declining.

I know for sure that MIL loves all her adult children, and BIL and me (DIL), yet one daughter still wants to be 'Queen Bee'. She seems to keep an eye on what her siblings are doing for their mother, and then wants to do more, or better.

My husband tries to stay out of it but sometimes he does get caught up in it.

Is this normal behaviour?
Sometimes I am glad to be an only ...

Not only is it normal, it seems odd that you'd ask about it being normal.

WTH? No that is not normal behavior unless you are referencing dysfunctional interpersonal dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is normal.

Not only does time not magically solve childhood wounds, but it's very common for this stuff to drop beneath the surface for years, even decades, and then to resurface at midlife. VERY common. One major trigger is that people's kids reach the age they were when they experienced something as a child and it brings up these waves of memories and hurt feelings that they didn't even realize they still carried around. Another thing that happens is that as the parent approaches death, family members will retreat to childhood memories and patterns to try and deal with their grief.

This is super, super common.

Support your DH in staying out of it and dealing with any issues he has that are coming up. The best way to deal with people who are being emotionally immature is to detach and stay as non-reactive as possible. Physical distance is also useful, when you can get it.

OP here. Thanks for your thoughts.

My husband and I try to stay out of it as much as possible and we have the advantage of physical distance. His sisters live between 1.5 and 2 hours away. They live closer to MIL than we do.

I remember several Christmases ago, we were at MIL's house on Christmas Day. MIL was a widow by then. We started opening the presents under the Christmas tree in random order. MIL was visibly pleased with our gift to her. My husband's sister got annoyed that MIL had opened our present before hers and she said 'but Mom, you haven't opened OUR Christmas present to you yet ...!'
SIL was mid 40s!
I thought it sounded quite childish.

How did your MIL respond? My guess is that she likes the attention and is the driver of the behavior and rivalry (or if she's too senile to drive it now, she did for many years). That's why SIL immediately appealed to her.

[Anonymous]

Not normal. Sounds like they jeed to grow up. How sad.