Sibling rivalry between people in their 50s ???

[Anonymous]

My husband and his sisters.

Husband is early 60s, sisters are 51and 57. There has always been some sibling rivalry but it is STILL happening now that they're all middle aged.

It is mainly about their mother's affection and approval. MIL is early 90s and her health is slowly but surely declining.

I know for sure that MIL loves all her adult children, and BIL and me (DIL), yet one daughter still wants to be 'Queen Bee'. She seems to keep an eye on what her siblings are doing for their mother, and then wants to do more, or better.

My husband tries to stay out of it but sometimes he does get caught up in it.

Is this normal behaviour?
Sometimes I am glad to be an only ...

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is normal.

Not only does time not magically solve childhood wounds, but it's very common for this stuff to drop beneath the surface for years, even decades, and then to resurface at midlife. VERY common. One major trigger is that people's kids reach the age they were when they experienced something as a child and it brings up these waves of memories and hurt feelings that they didn't even realize they still carried around. Another thing that happens is that as the parent approaches death, family members will retreat to childhood memories and patterns to try and deal with their grief.

This is super, super common.

Support your DH in staying out of it and dealing with any issues he has that are coming up. The best way to deal with people who are being emotionally immature is to detach and stay as non-reactive as possible. Physical distance is also useful, when you can get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is normal.

Not only does time not magically solve childhood wounds, but it's very common for this stuff to drop beneath the surface for years, even decades, and then to resurface at midlife. VERY common. One major trigger is that people's kids reach the age they were when they experienced something as a child and it brings up these waves of memories and hurt feelings that they didn't even realize they still carried around. Another thing that happens is that as the parent approaches death, family members will retreat to childhood memories and patterns to try and deal with their grief.

This is super, super common.

Support your DH in staying out of it and dealing with any issues he has that are coming up. The best way to deal with people who are being emotionally immature is to detach and stay as non-reactive as possible. Physical distance is also useful, when you can get it.

OP here. Thanks for your thoughts.

My husband and I try to stay out of it as much as possible and we have the advantage of physical distance. His sisters live between 1.5 and 2 hours away. They live closer to MIL than we do.

I remember several Christmases ago, we were at MIL's house on Christmas Day. MIL was a widow by then. We started opening the presents under the Christmas tree in random order. MIL was visibly pleased with our gift to her. My husband's sister got annoyed that MIL had opened our present before hers and she said 'but Mom, you haven't opened OUR Christmas present to you yet ...!'
SIL was mid 40s!
I thought it sounded quite childish.

[Anonymous]

My dad and his brother were in their 80’s and still punched or elbowed each other in the arm when they walked by each other - Not super hard though. It is totally normal.

[Anonymous]

One of my uncles (one of my mom's brothers) likes to brag a bit about the charmed life they're living and how much money his son is making, etc.
His wife is the same.
My uncle is 73.

OP maybe your SIL has had low self-esteem issues since childhood and wants to compensate by being 'the best child' who tries to make the most effort for your elderly MIL.
Or she could be just super competitive (and annoying to everyone else) ...

[Anonymous]

My aunts and mother will die before they stop being rivals, OP. And some of them have!
My father and his two sisters have always gotten along well, despite being very different people.
I have no siblings.
My husband is very competitive with his 2 siblings.
My two kids get along well.

It's all within the range of normal.

[Anonymous]

I think it has to do with how you were raised (dysfunction and the whole Golden child and competition created by parents sets it off) and the personality of siblings. My sister is a highly competitive type A person who is what people used to call "cut throat" or someone who will "stab you in the back." I find her frightening for that and other reasons. She would tell you she has sibling rivalry with my brother and me except we don't interact with her at all anymore for many reasons. She tries to get info from our aging mom and the rare time she sees us she goes right into trying to one-up, but we just won't engage. It takes 2 to tango. I don't think it's possible for some people to have relationships that are just calm and healthy. She drove her ex husband nuts with with needing to be the best and the star and then made his life a living hell when he could not take it anymore and wanted to leave amicably. Some people are wired for control, power and sadly even abusive behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is normal.

Not only does time not magically solve childhood wounds, but it's very common for this stuff to drop beneath the surface for years, even decades, and then to resurface at midlife. VERY common. One major trigger is that people's kids reach the age they were when they experienced something as a child and it brings up these waves of memories and hurt feelings that they didn't even realize they still carried around. Another thing that happens is that as the parent approaches death, family members will retreat to childhood memories and patterns to try and deal with their grief.

This is super, super common.

Support your DH in staying out of it and dealing with any issues he has that are coming up. The best way to deal with people who are being emotionally immature is to detach and stay as non-reactive as possible. Physical distance is also useful, when you can get it.

SUPER!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is normal.

Not only does time not magically solve childhood wounds, but it's very common for this stuff to drop beneath the surface for years, even decades, and then to resurface at midlife. VERY common. One major trigger is that people's kids reach the age they were when they experienced something as a child and it brings up these waves of memories and hurt feelings that they didn't even realize they still carried around. Another thing that happens is that as the parent approaches death, family members will retreat to childhood memories and patterns to try and deal with their grief.

This is super, super common.

Support your DH in staying out of it and dealing with any issues he has that are coming up. The best way to deal with people who are being emotionally immature is to detach and stay as non-reactive as possible. Physical distance is also useful, when you can get it.

+1

Conventional lore was to let kids work out their conflicts with each other, but some child development specialists now believe that may not be the best strategy, especially if there is one very dominant child. These kids get to middle age, then start reverting back to these conflicts and their patterns. Can be very difficult to start afresh unless all the siblings are on the same page about doing so. In fact, you may recognize that there was conflict, but the other sibling may think, "of course everything should be resolved my way as I am right."

We stepped in more with our kids when they were younger based on this theory. They didn't necessarily abuse coming to us and tattling because we did so. They argue at times now as young adults, but I think their default is to assume the other one is being an honest operator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is normal.

Not only does time not magically solve childhood wounds, but it's very common for this stuff to drop beneath the surface for years, even decades, and then to resurface at midlife. VERY common. One major trigger is that people's kids reach the age they were when they experienced something as a child and it brings up these waves of memories and hurt feelings that they didn't even realize they still carried around. Another thing that happens is that as the parent approaches death, family members will retreat to childhood memories and patterns to try and deal with their grief.

This is super, super common.

Support your DH in staying out of it and dealing with any issues he has that are coming up. The best way to deal with people who are being emotionally immature is to detach and stay as non-reactive as possible. Physical distance is also useful, when you can get it.

+1

Conventional lore was to let kids work out their conflicts with each other, but some child development specialists now believe that may not be the best strategy, especially if there is one very dominant child. These kids get to middle age, then start reverting back to these conflicts and their patterns. Can be very difficult to start afresh unless all the siblings are on the same page about doing so. In fact, you may recognize that there was conflict, but the other sibling may think, "of course everything should be resolved my way as I am right."

We stepped in more with our kids when they were younger based on this theory. They didn't necessarily abuse coming to us and tattling because we did so. They argue at times now as young adults, but I think their default is to assume the other one is being an honest operator.

This is so well said and it's what happened in our house. My sibling was downright disturbing in her interactions and mom and dad just laughed it off as the oldest being bossy and difficult. Her problems persisted through school/workplace etc and she cannot maintain normal healthy relationships with anyone close to her. She has some long distance friendships. She is very unhappy and my mother still pushes us to befriend her and be there for her. She still behaves like an entitled and disturbed individual. Therapy was and is needed. I think the death of our dad really reignited the worst of her behavior.

Yes, experts are now giving more guidance about sibling rivalry, what is normal, what is NOT normal and and how parents should intervene.

[Anonymous]

My siblings got extremely hateful! To the point you don’t say boo to her because it is immediately evil!
They hates everyone! All 3 live in the past and hang on to grudges! It’s not healthy or fun to be near! Any little slight or comment is a I hate u response and a mouthy cussing is what u get!
I was always the friendly one, I like everyone type. They are completely different.
one sibling even took it out on my 2 kids and us! Neither one of them would know my children if they saw them out!
I guess they have lessons to learn in their next life. Because everything that was fun, they turned into everything hard and complained !
These people are going to be alone one day. Now that they only have their own kids to deal with, their kids will be leaving them behind as well!

I say, if your not happy, stay away from us!!!!

[Anonymous]

Normal.

People don’t change.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say this is normal behavior for grown a$$ adults. What we often see on THIS board is a sibling not carrying their weight with eldercare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is normal.

Not only does time not magically solve childhood wounds, but it's very common for this stuff to drop beneath the surface for years, even decades, and then to resurface at midlife. VERY common. One major trigger is that people's kids reach the age they were when they experienced something as a child and it brings up these waves of memories and hurt feelings that they didn't even realize they still carried around. Another thing that happens is that as the parent approaches death, family members will retreat to childhood memories and patterns to try and deal with their grief.

This is super, super common.

Support your DH in staying out of it and dealing with any issues he has that are coming up. The best way to deal with people who are being emotionally immature is to detach and stay as non-reactive as possible. Physical distance is also useful, when you can get it.

DP. Thank you for this post. Very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is normal.

Not only does time not magically solve childhood wounds, but it's very common for this stuff to drop beneath the surface for years, even decades, and then to resurface at midlife. VERY common. One major trigger is that people's kids reach the age they were when they experienced something as a child and it brings up these waves of memories and hurt feelings that they didn't even realize they still carried around. Another thing that happens is that as the parent approaches death, family members will retreat to childhood memories and patterns to try and deal with their grief.

This is super, super common.

Support your DH in staying out of it and dealing with any issues he has that are coming up. The best way to deal with people who are being emotionally immature is to detach and stay as non-reactive as possible. Physical distance is also useful, when you can get it.

DP. Thank you for this post. Very helpful.

Another poster who agrees that was a great response. Detaching from emotionally immature family members and remaining non-reactive is key. Also, expect the crazy to escalate for a while if you don't get drawn in. They can have this almost primal need to try to suck people back into dysfunctional patterns. Don't be surprised if you get scapegoated for not joining the insanity.