Kid activity and scheduling chaos

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP above about a calm conversation. Say that clearly the two of you sre not communicating/organizing in a way that is working for the family. Ask them to propose a solution and you will work with it. You cant be in their brain so they need to find a way to get the information from their brain and into yours in a timely manner.

[Anonymous]

Tell mom (I’m assuming mom for ease of replying) that she’s responsible for all driving and coordination of activities she signs the kids up for. Opt out of this chaos. The kids will start rebelling soon and refuse to do that much or a single sport will be too time consuming to fit in the rest.

[Anonymous]

So much craziness in this post. First with three kids, a shared family calendar is a must. Use Cozi. It’s better than google calendars for families anyway. Everyone (including the nanny) can get easy access and you can even give your assistants view access.

Secondly your kids are massively over scheduled. Good for your son for refusing to go late to the math class that no one know about.

And lastly, your spouse needs counseling on anger management and maybe you all need some kind of family counseling to learn how to communicate and listen to each other. Has anyone asked the kids what they want?

[Anonymous]

I assumed spouse was a woman bc something about the overschedling and anger makes me think there's working mom guilt factoring in here. Do you think that's a cause, op?

[Anonymous]

Why do some parents never want to spend any time with their children? I know parents like this and it’s a huge red flag for me. They are terrified they might have to hang out at home with their kids with “nothing” to do. Literally afraid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do some parents never want to spend any time with their children? I know parents like this and it’s a huge red flag for me. They are terrified they might have to hang out at home with their kids with “nothing” to do. Literally afraid.

One activity per week per kid is not that much. It adds up when its 3 kids. I have 2 and they do 3 things a week. Mostly for physical activity since recess is 20 min long. So we do some rec sports and also art classes on weekends. We will add learning an instrument to that. Trying things early is key to figuring what the kids like and can enjoy throughout their lives. We do plenty of hanging out at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do some parents never want to spend any time with their children? I know parents like this and it’s a huge red flag for me. They are terrified they might have to hang out at home with their kids with “nothing” to do. Literally afraid.

OP here. This is not at issue - both spouse and I spend gobs of time with the kids on weekends and workdays, to and from school and activities whenever we can, and in the evenings, etc.. During downtime, I am content to do "nothing" with them and my overscheduler spouse predictably likes to never be at the house and bop from activity to activity (but always with me and the kids). No one has working mom guilt or is avoiding the kids. The actual issue is two-fold: 1 - a disconnect on how busy the kids should be and - 2- the constant, often last-minute, changes and lack of communication with me and our nanny about the schedule, + all the yelling. TBH, we are mostly aligned on 1 (I do think the kids should be occupied with an activity on most days, especially the older ones), but 2 is unbearable. And relatedly, if something gets canceled or moved, I think that time should get to stay open and a canceled activity does not need to get stuffed into another time slot that week. Canceled plans can be a blessing!

[Anonymous]

I think you or nanny should be point of contact for activities, so when things get cancelled or moved, you can facilitate it.

[Anonymous]

That sounds like way too much and how sustainable is that? The anger could be coming from the crazy schedule/feeling the need to have a crazy schedule. IMO there needs to be a reset/big break from the crazy schedule so you and spouse can figure out your priorities and what is realistic. You as a parent have equal say about things. But yes mine is a very American POV. If this is not the case in your situation, then please ignore my advice: safety comes first above everything.

[Anonymous]

I would stop focusing on time management and focus on anger management. And this would be a dealbreaker for me. Your spouse needs to get help for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do some parents never want to spend any time with their children? I know parents like this and it’s a huge red flag for me. They are terrified they might have to hang out at home with their kids with “nothing” to do. Literally afraid.

OP here. This is not at issue - both spouse and I spend gobs of time with the kids on weekends and workdays, to and from school and activities whenever we can, and in the evenings, etc.. During downtime, I am content to do "nothing" with them and my overscheduler spouse predictably likes to never be at the house and bop from activity to activity (but always with me and the kids). No one has working mom guilt or is avoiding the kids. The actual issue is two-fold: 1 - a disconnect on how busy the kids should be and - 2- the constant, often last-minute, changes and lack of communication with me and our nanny about the schedule, + all the yelling. TBH, we are mostly aligned on 1 (I do think the kids should be occupied with an activity on most days, especially the older ones), but 2 is unbearable. And relatedly, if something gets canceled or moved, I think that time should get to stay open and a canceled activity does not need to get stuffed into another time slot that week. Canceled plans can be a blessing!

She is though. Avoiding doing “nothing” at home with them IS an issue. And it’s not good for kids to never have time to do “nothing.”

[Anonymous]

I don't understand how so many plans change late on a regular basis. My upper elementary kid is currently in a bunch of activities (unusual for him) and only one has a bit of fluidity to it. Even when my kid was only in 1-2 activities a week, it was rare for plans to change. Everyone's time is valuable...why so many last minute changes? But yes, one parent holding all of the scheduling cards is not positive for the whole family...especially as the kids get older and need to start managing their own schedules (which I'm helping my own kid do now).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how so many plans change late on a regular basis. My upper elementary kid is currently in a bunch of activities (unusual for him) and only one has a bit of fluidity to it. Even when my kid was only in 1-2 activities a week, it was rare for plans to change. Everyone's time is valuable...why so many last minute changes? But yes, one parent holding all of the scheduling cards is not positive for the whole family...especially as the kids get older and need to start managing their own schedules (which I'm helping my own kid do now).

Yeah that part was confusing to me do, the OP mentioned swim practice 3 times a week but it's not at fixed times so are the children just swimming laps in a pool by themselves or is this a team event?

I'd recommend couples therapy and a mandatory calendar. My husband and I joke that if it's not in the calendar then it doesn't exist but it's true. And it's okay even good to take breaks from activities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is his reason for not using a google calendar? Its the tool to make sure everyone knows whats going on during the week?

+1. Seriously OP. This isn’t complicated. If you can both manage to hold down full-time jobs you can manage a google calendar. It’s not rocket science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
When your monster is calm, you sit down and tell them that this cannot continue. That they have anger management problems and control problems, and that it's making your life and your kids' life a living hell on earth. That you refuse, from now on, to continue like this until they make progress in therapy with anger management. You expect them to get evaluated for ADHD, and take meds if they have a diagnosis. It will help them with organization and time-keeping, and also with emotional control (this is all scientifically proven). If they don't this, you will not work with them on activities, and you will consider a divorce.

Who is the “they” you are referring to? You are using the wrong pronoun, making your post garbidy-gook to read.