Kid activity and scheduling chaos

[Anonymous]

Spouse and I have a disconnect on scheduling for the kids. Spouse insists on maintaining a packed schedule of 1-3 after-school activities per weekday, per child (we have 3 kids). The kids mostly enjoy/choose the activities themselves, so that's a plus. But the problem is in the execution: spouse is controlling and constantly changing the schedule. So, if something gets canceled or moved, spouse wants to move another activity to that now-vacant spot on the schedule. In addition, certain activities do not occur on fixed days, so they are at different times every week (think: something like swim practice that needs to happen at least 3x a week, but doesn't matter which days).

To make matters worse, spouse does not have strong communication or organizational skills so the result is a lot of chaos, where nobody except spouse knows what is happening when on any given day. Spouse frequently forgets that they have moved something to another day or time (or forgets to tell the rest of us about it), and refuses to engage with organizational tools that I've tried to introduce to minimize chaos, like google calendar or old-fashioned fridge calendar to track activities. We both work full time. Spouse also has difficulty managing anger so we are all getting yelled at about this too. I just got yelled at again about a missed math class that nobody told me about, and spouse is considering what "consequences" our son should face for refusing to go to the class 30 minutes late. In addition to being very unpleasant, I don't think the value of the activities outweighs the very real cost of constant chaos and lack of control we all feel over our days. Plus it can't be good for a child's development in executive function to not feel control over what is happening in their day.

Maybe this is just a vent, but does anyone have any advice for how to handle constant scheduling chaos in the family that is mostly caused by one parent's demands?

[Anonymous]

Become a SAHM

[Anonymous]

Divorce. Remarry an non controlling AHole.

[Anonymous]

Dude is an a***ole. Tell him if he wants to be this controlling he is in charge of getting each kid where they need to be on time all on his own.

[Anonymous]

Have him hire a scheduler/driver.

[Anonymous]

When your monster is calm, you sit down and tell them that this cannot continue. That they have anger management problems and control problems, and that it's making your life and your kids' life a living hell on earth. That you refuse, from now on, to continue like this until they make progress in therapy with anger management. You expect them to get evaluated for ADHD, and take meds if they have a diagnosis. It will help them with organization and time-keeping, and also with emotional control (this is all scientifically proven). If they don't this, you will not work with them on activities, and you will consider a divorce.

[Anonymous]

What is his reason for not using a google calendar? Its the tool to make sure everyone knows whats going on during the week?

[Anonymous]

Three activities in one afternoon is crazy making. Your poor children.

During a calm time when the kids aren't around, you need to have a conversation about each of your goals for the kids and whether the current schedule is accomplishing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is his reason for not using a google calendar? Its the tool to make sure everyone knows whats going on during the week?

They say they can't access it and get mad that it is even suggested. I have offered tech help from me and suggested that spouse reach out to the IT dept at their employer to help with access. But it doesn't get done. The fridge calendar is only maintained by me and our nanny but we are not the ones making the plans and moving things around so it's always out of date. Appreciate all the advice. I do believe there is a diagnosable situation going on with the control/disorganization/forgetfulness/anger issues, but so far spouse is not receptive to the idea of looking into it.

[Anonymous]

Why does everyone think the spouse is a he? I think it’s a she

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is his reason for not using a google calendar? Its the tool to make sure everyone knows whats going on during the week?

They say they can't access it and get mad that it is even suggested. I have offered tech help from me and suggested that spouse reach out to the IT dept at their employer to help with access. But it doesn't get done. The fridge calendar is only maintained by me and our nanny but we are not the ones making the plans and moving things around so it's always out of date. Appreciate all the advice. I do believe there is a diagnosable situation going on with the control/disorganization/forgetfulness/anger issues, but so far spouse is not receptive to the idea of looking into it.

This is not sustainable, OP. You've got to lay out your terms. If he's not willing to change, the crazy activities stop, and you take them to whatever you can handle on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone think the spouse is a he? I think it’s a she

The they and them thing is so tiresome with cis people who want to disguise their actual spousal/parental relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
When your monster is calm, you sit down and tell them that this cannot continue. That they have anger management problems and control problems, and that it's making your life and your kids' life a living hell on earth. That you refuse, from now on, to continue like this until they make progress in therapy with anger management. You expect them to get evaluated for ADHD, and take meds if they have a diagnosis. It will help them with organization and time-keeping, and also with emotional control (this is all scientifically proven). If they don't this, you will not work with them on activities, and you will consider a divorce.

+1 with slight modification - I don't know that I would bring divorce into it at this point but I would tell them that until they take some steps to get it together you don't support more than one activity per child, at predictable times that do not change. AND that if they insist it will be a you broke it you bought it type situation, meaning neither your or the nanny will be handling transportation or anything else surrounding the activity.

Sorry to say it but unless spouse absorbs and believes what you are saying I think you and the kids are in for more yelling and chaos for the near term until spouse understands you mean it, so stay strong.

[Anonymous]

If it’sa she he needs a new woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone think the spouse is a he? I think it’s a she

I do too