Friend with Asperger, how to proceed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guarantee the pearl clutching PPs don't have boys. Context is important. My kids and friends say things like this and "I'm going to die now" etc. when playing video games or other play. They are not on suicide watch! OP's son is just a kid and needs to be taught to be sensitive to this friend's needs. OP, if this friend's needs are too great for your child to safely interact, better to stop the play dates and talk to their mom they need their space for now.

Ha ha, yes! The posters who say this is not appropriate may not actually know what goes on when kids play together. Not just boys. My daughter and her friends say all this and way, way more, when they hang out. They're 12, and they don't say this in class, obviously. But kids will say those things if their storyline (video game or pretend play) goes there. It's normal. Context is critical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guarantee the pearl clutching PPs don't have boys. Context is important. My kids and friends say things like this and "I'm going to die now" etc. when playing video games or other play. They are not on suicide watch! OP's son is just a kid and needs to be taught to be sensitive to this friend's needs. OP, if this friend's needs are too great for your child to safely interact, better to stop the play dates and talk to their mom they need their space for now.

Yeah, there’s definitely no daylight between ‘oh no I’m gonna die now’ to oneself playing a video versus ‘I’ll kill you.’

Boymoms, an overmatched opponent to rational thinking when their Future Leaders act like the a-holes they are raised to be.

[Anonymous]

I have Asperger's my self, It may help you to know that people like us often have a lot of difficulty reading social queues and won't pick up on sarcasm or jokes.

[Anonymous]

OP, please clarify. Is your kid the same one who was waving around the knife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ASD friend or not, your child shouldn't be saying "I'll kill you". A friend's son got suspended from our school for saying the same. Nip that now.

Probably not in the same situation, or maybe your school is crazy. Kids say worse things at recess, in pretend play. It's developmentally appropriate.

DP. Howard County, middle school girl, suspended for similar.

[Anonymous]

Because of how sensitive (rightfully so) schools have become about phrases like this, I discourage my boys from saying "I'm going to kill you" when roughhousing or doing pretend play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please clarify. Is your kid the same one who was waving around the knife?

+ 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ASD friend or not, your child shouldn't be saying "I'll kill you". A friend's son got suspended from our school for saying the same. Nip that now.

Probably not in the same situation, or maybe your school is crazy. Kids say worse things at recess, in pretend play. It's developmentally appropriate.

DP. Howard County, middle school girl, suspended for similar.

I'm the PP with the 12 year old daughter who has said that when making up stories with friends. Again, this is not something to say in front of a teacher, or inside the school. Social context is very important. Humor can be misconstrued. You've got to have a good read on the room, and since kids are still learning this, obviously occasionally there will be issues.

This is a good life lesson for your child. He has to learn what he can say to which people. It will serve him well in the future. And never type any of this on any social media account that can be screenshot and dug up later for college or job interviews!!!

[Anonymous]

I think it's a good lesson on "there is a time and place for everything." Now you know this boy is sensitive and takes things more literally than they are meant. Your son presumably wouldn't say "I'll kill you" to a teacher. So now he knows not to say it to this boy.

Tell the mom that you are working to moderate your DS' language but that it's the way a lot of kids speak to each other so it might take some time. That might clue her in that her son is sensitive and perhaps not reading the room well. Give it one or two more playdates, and if your son is still too young to filter and the other boy is still feeling hurt, then this is just not a good match at the time. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a good lesson on "there is a time and place for everything." Now you know this boy is sensitive and takes things more literally than they are meant. Your son presumably wouldn't say "I'll kill you" to a teacher. So now he knows not to say it to this boy.

Tell the mom that you are working to moderate your DS' language but that it's the way a lot of kids speak to each other so it might take some time. That might clue her in that her son is sensitive and perhaps not reading the room well. Give it one or two more playdates, and if your son is still too young to filter and the other boy is still feeling hurt, then this is just not a good match at the time. End of story.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS ( 10) made friends with a boy who lives a few doors away. I like this boy a lot, he is very sweet kid. He is very quirky and my best guess is that he possibly has Asperger’s.

It’s happened a few times now that my son has said something to this boy while they are playing and this boy has gone home upset. It’s usually a figure of speech or something that should not be taken at face value. This last time they were play fighting and my son said “I’m going to kill you”. This really upset the friend, and my son immediately started apologizing but the friend was very upset and went home. I received a text from the mom saying that my son has been using “harsh words” with her son.

I’m not sure how to proceed. I will discuss speaking kindly with my son but I don’t think the problem is going to completely go away.

We could do a slow fade with this friend but it’s our neighbor, and I’ve noticed that he has very few friends. I have an older child with very few friends so I’m aware of how hard it can be.

FWIW My son is well liked and has a lot of other friends. He has never had “drama” like this with anyone.

Maybe have a talk with YOUR kid about not threatening to kill people-esp in the era of daily school shootings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS ( 10) made friends with a boy who lives a few doors away. I like this boy a lot, he is very sweet kid. He is very quirky and my best guess is that he possibly has Asperger’s.

It’s happened a few times now that my son has said something to this boy while they are playing and this boy has gone home upset. It’s usually a figure of speech or something that should not be taken at face value. This last time they were play fighting and my son said “I’m going to kill you”. This really upset the friend, and my son immediately started apologizing but the friend was very upset and went home. I received a text from the mom saying that my son has been using “harsh words” with her son.

I’m not sure how to proceed. I will discuss speaking kindly with my son but I don’t think the problem is going to completely go away.

We could do a slow fade with this friend but it’s our neighbor, and I’ve noticed that he has very few friends. I have an older child with very few friends so I’m aware of how hard it can be.

FWIW My son is well liked and has a lot of other friends. He has never had “drama” like this with anyone.

Maybe have a talk with YOUR kid about not threatening to kill people-esp in the era of daily school shootings.

Like, he’s never had ‘drama’ okay?? Why should she mess with perfection? And bad things happening with or by younger kids is vanishingly rare!

/s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS ( 10) made friends with a boy who lives a few doors away. I like this boy a lot, he is very sweet kid. He is very quirky and my best guess is that he possibly has Asperger’s.

It’s happened a few times now that my son has said something to this boy while they are playing and this boy has gone home upset. It’s usually a figure of speech or something that should not be taken at face value. This last time they were play fighting and my son said “I’m going to kill you”. This really upset the friend, and my son immediately started apologizing but the friend was very upset and went home. I received a text from the mom saying that my son has been using “harsh words” with her son.

I’m not sure how to proceed. I will discuss speaking kindly with my son but I don’t think the problem is going to completely go away.

We could do a slow fade with this friend but it’s our neighbor, and I’ve noticed that he has very few friends. I have an older child with very few friends so I’m aware of how hard it can be.

FWIW My son is well liked and has a lot of other friends. He has never had “drama” like this with anyone.

FYI the term is no longer Aspergers but autism spectrum. Honestly. Just have you dd stay away if she upsets him. People with Autism have different needs for friends. They won't be hurt if your dd stays away. Actually might be a relief

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS ( 10) made friends with a boy who lives a few doors away. I like this boy a lot, he is very sweet kid. He is very quirky and my best guess is that he possibly has Asperger’s.

It’s happened a few times now that my son has said something to this boy while they are playing and this boy has gone home upset. It’s usually a figure of speech or something that should not be taken at face value. This last time they were play fighting and my son said “I’m going to kill you”. This really upset the friend, and my son immediately started apologizing but the friend was very upset and went home. I received a text from the mom saying that my son has been using “harsh words” with her son.

I’m not sure how to proceed. I will discuss speaking kindly with my son but I don’t think the problem is going to completely go away.

We could do a slow fade with this friend but it’s our neighbor, and I’ve noticed that he has very few friends. I have an older child with very few friends so I’m aware of how hard it can be.

FWIW My son is well liked and has a lot of other friends. He has never had “drama” like this with anyone.

I have a kid with "high-functioning autism" who is highly verbal and your account seems a little suspect. It's a myth that people with Aspergers or on the higher functioning end of the autism spectrum cannot understand non-literal figures of speech. Why this gets repeated over and over is beyond me. Aspies and autists who are highly verbal get your sarcasm and jokes and turns of phrase just fine, even if they don't find you particularly funny. My kid knows very well the difference between saying things in jest and saying things to be mean. I suspect your son is actually being mean when you are not in earshot. Please do slow fade. These kids do not get along and no point in trying to force it.

[jsmith123]

I don't understand why this is "drama". Your kid said something that upset the other kid and he went home. You can certainly talk to your son about not saying things like that to this boy. But why plan a "fade" here? Just let the boys play if they want, and if they stop wanting to play, they no longer will play. Feel like I'm missing something here.