Who do you need most post-retirement? Siblings, friends or children?

[Anonymous]

Friends are fun when you can spend energy and money on activities. When you are aging and have less of everything, they are going through the same and often not in condition to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just depends. But it's striking to me that one's spouse or partner, or lack thereof, isn't on the list here.

Yes, I noticed that to. For me, I much prefer to be with my spouse over siblings, friends, or children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just depends. But it's striking to me that one's spouse or partner, or lack thereof, isn't on the list here.

Yes, I noticed that to. For me, I much prefer to be with my spouse over siblings, friends, or children.

It depends on people's ages. Siblings and friends are all well and good, but if they're of similar age to you, they're not going to be able to help or even spend much time with you eventually. Don't underestimate how social relationships fall apart when people get too needy, lose their hearing or mobility, or have dementia. Some relationships are fun-based. So it's going to have to be a much-younger spouse, much-younger sibling, or adult children in the end.

And don't overestimate people's willingness to care for step-parents. Even if all is well in the relationship, if they have their own bio parents to care for, they're not going to prioritize you over that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just depends. But it's striking to me that one's spouse or partner, or lack thereof, isn't on the list here.

Yes, I noticed that to. For me, I much prefer to be with my spouse over siblings, friends, or children.

Everyone in a stable marriage does and obviously both make this decision together after discussing and researching. My dad gave my mom this choice as he was older and had health issues so mom was more likely to live longer and deal with living in new town. He was right.

[Anonymous]

*She picked near kids over siblings and friends so they moved near us.

[Anonymous]

You need friends to have a rich and fulfilling life and you cannot expect your kids or siblings to be your life. If you are close with siblings, it would be great to age near eachother. You need your kids to check on things. You cannot expect them to fulfill your every need. You also need an emergency system. If you live in a community that is set up for aging, that is in place.

[Anonymous]

Since you enjoy it here, why don’t you just downsize and retire here? But from your question, it sounds like you’re thinking ahead about disaster scenarios in old age and need someone who will really be there to help.

In which case you might want to check this out with your kids and your siblings. With your kids, you want to see how stable they are there or are they likely to move, how they feel about looking after you, etc. With your siblings, how is their health?

Another factor is whether you like the cities they live.

[Anonymous]

I’m only 42, so what do I know…but currently have parents in their late 70s caring for their mothers who are in their late 90s. So my advice is observational and considerations for next stages for them.

Both of my parents settled where they were raised, and both of their parents retired and left the state (for opposite sides of the country). I moved “to the city” but was still 40min from where I grew up.

My parents retired in their early 60s to a much more rural area that became a 4-5hr drive for me or train ride.

They have lived where they are now for close to 20years. In that time, despite joining a church, and various volunteer groups and social groups never really developed strong community ties that turned into friendships. Instead it just became that much harder to maintain their lifelong friendships that they moved away from. Some of it, I now see is they moved to an area that was very socially different from where they had lived before and just didn’t have enough in common with people of their age where they landed OR stimulating arts and cultural activities, museums, concerts etc without a lot of extra work.

The next thing that happened was about 12 years ago, they moved their mothers in and nearby as they could no longer live alone and were too far to regularly check in on. One 90yo happily essentially became a shut in, the other much more social, did her best to make friends, make the best of it and missed the community and weather she had previously lived in for 30 some odd years.

Being in a rural area, that you didn’t live your life in and have strong ties with the community imho has been very difficult for my parents to navigate support, resources and access to referrals for home aids and health care. Made more complicated by also living too far for me to assist in anyway AND locking them in to not being able to travel and see those friends they moved away from, or their grandchildren accept for when we travel to see them. (We have since left the city and are now 7hrs away).

They are planning to downsize and move in the next 1-3years and will be in their early 80s. Comparison: both of their parent sets had already been living very full, travel filled, friend filled retirements in their new locals by that age for 20+ years.

I am strongly encouraging my parents to choose their next move to a more suburban neighborhood with lots of resources in short distances about halfway closer to us, and near some other family to hope that they can assimilate into and create community bonds as quickly as possible for however short or longer they have before they can no longer live independently. At 80yo, it is a gamble that is a 10year plan.

I’d be happy for them to move to us and integrate them into our day to day but they are uninterested in that option, so I keep clear boundaries as to what support I am able to provide from afar.

[Anonymous]

After your spouse (if you have one), the people with whom you have the best, supportive, and reciprocal relationship. The people you can have fun with, share your woes, ask a favor, and can give back to. Doesn't matter if this is a friend, relative, or child.

[Anonymous]

Dont move near children just to burden them. Please dont. Save for later life and be happy with spouse and friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It just depends. But it's striking to me that one's spouse or partner, or lack thereof, isn't on the list here.

Yes, I noticed that to. For me, I much prefer to be with my spouse over siblings, friends, or children.

Well, 45% of 60 year olds are single, so let's hope you stay on the lucky side of that equation.

[Anonymous]

I was really looking forward to a life surrounded by family, my adult kids, their kids, and family- I have a lot of extended family.

My kids never had kids. Approaching their 40s, one remained close, largely due to proximity and sad divorce. Needed us. Once remarried, we saw this AC amazingly less. In fact,we dropped way down on list. I get it. The other AC has lived across country for a decade, rarely comes here, we go there, but Covid changed a lot of that. This AC is happier alone. My cousins all are very busy with their grandchildren. I see them at funerals of relatives,which is the other reality. We've buried all our parents and a few of our cousins. Sobering.

Two very close friends moved away to be close to kids or to retirement resorts.

It's spouse and I, with various friends that come and go, and are interested in their own families who all live close.
So, I'm not as excited to be at this point as I thought I would be. We are active with volunteer work, love to read, love several hobbies,active in politics, research, pets. Looking to change our overall perspective now from expectations. Little bit sad, though.

[Anonymous]

You need all those things and more. One huge complaint people have about their parents is their world becomes so small. It is bad for your brain to expect any one or 2 people to be your life. You need to actually make NEW friends, not just keep old friends so you have to keep working those social skills. Don't get complacent. Challenge your brain with new experiences and all different people.

The happiest elderly people I know are moving and shaking-meeting friends for yoga, getting together with other friends for a show at the Kennedy center, volunteering and going for walks with the spouse.