School refusal

[Anonymous]

I am going through this too with my 8th grader. She has some physical health issues that have made it much worse. At this point she is not receiving a proper education although she still has mainly passing grades due to work she's done at home and submitted online. We have had a notice from her private school about potentially being kicked out if this continues. I'm not sure what to do if they kick her out at this point in the semester. Would she have to repeat 8th grade - or could we do some kind of homeschooling that will suffice? I have no clue...

She is in therapy and on meds but they seem to have stopped working so may need to switch to something different. I sympathize OP - it is so hard. People don't seem to understand it. They think by giving consequences your kid will go to school, it sadly doesn't work like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are going through this now with my 9th grader. I also think the 1 mental health day a month is good, if it works. Mine gets in moods and won’t care about anything or any consequences. Taking away things and punishment hasn’t been effective. We have been in regular contact with his school guidance counselor and found a therapist he actually likes, who he sometimes will talk to or see on the bad days.

He’s not doing all of his work but has been doing enough to pass. His teachers have been flexible and given him so many deadlines and retake chances that he doesn’t take. They have all been supportive and at this point, we are hoping he turns in enough to earn credit in at least the content classes. His therapist has really been helpful for us to also manage our expectations and take things day by day.

My DS was like this too. The only thing that helped us turn the corner was meds for anxiety and depression.

You are quoting me. Was your son willing to take them on his own? This is part of our problem. It took a long time to even get him to participate in therapy and then longer to find someone he liked. He refuses ADHD meds and won’t consider meds for anything else. At this age, medication and any programs need to be voluntary so it’s really hard.

My kid is already saying he is not going tomorrow. So OP, even though it is hard there are many of us out there going through similar.

My DS was 15 when he started meds. We got some pushback but said from the beginning that having a phone and access to video games depended on compliance with the treatment plan. We didn’t remove any privileges for not attending school at that point (we did later), just for taking meds and going to therapy. If he refused either, the electronics were gone until the next day. It sounds harsh, but there was no way that his brain was going to make a decision in his best interest at that point. He also had to attend therapy, but it was one of those, lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink situations. I’m not sure how much he really participated in therapy, but the meds did ultimately get us out of the deep pit. I also switched psychiatrists during this time. Our first one seemed almost adversarial with him. The new one was kind and compassionate. I think DS trusted his expertise much more, so that helped as well.

It is very rough. I feel for you. I can report that my DS is a functioning young adult now. Still takes meds, but manages quite well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are going through this now with my 9th grader. I also think the 1 mental health day a month is good, if it works. Mine gets in moods and won’t care about anything or any consequences. Taking away things and punishment hasn’t been effective. We have been in regular contact with his school guidance counselor and found a therapist he actually likes, who he sometimes will talk to or see on the bad days.

He’s not doing all of his work but has been doing enough to pass. His teachers have been flexible and given him so many deadlines and retake chances that he doesn’t take. They have all been supportive and at this point, we are hoping he turns in enough to earn credit in at least the content classes. His therapist has really been helpful for us to also manage our expectations and take things day by day.

My DS was like this too. The only thing that helped us turn the corner was meds for anxiety and depression.

You are quoting me. Was your son willing to take them on his own? This is part of our problem. It took a long time to even get him to participate in therapy and then longer to find someone he liked. He refuses ADHD meds and won’t consider meds for anything else. At this age, medication and any programs need to be voluntary so it’s really hard.

My kid is already saying he is not going tomorrow. So OP, even though it is hard there are many of us out there going through similar.

My DS was 15 when he started meds. We got some pushback but said from the beginning that having a phone and access to video games depended on compliance with the treatment plan. We didn’t remove any privileges for not attending school at that point (we did later), just for taking meds and going to therapy. If he refused either, the electronics were gone until the next day. It sounds harsh, but there was no way that his brain was going to make a decision in his best interest at that point. He also had to attend therapy, but it was one of those, lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink situations. I’m not sure how much he really participated in therapy, but the meds did ultimately get us out of the deep pit. I also switched psychiatrists during this time. Our first one seemed almost adversarial with him. The new one was kind and compassionate. I think DS trusted his expertise much more, so that helped as well.

It is very rough. I feel for you. I can report that my DS is a functioning young adult now. Still takes meds, but manages quite well.

Thank you. I’m not OP but this thread has given me support too. Yesterday was another refusal day for us. Mondays are the worst. We finally found a therapist he connects with so that is one small positive thing. But it was a really bad day with the anger, depression and refusing to do anything. As I said when I first posted, one day at a time. Hopefully today is better.

[Anonymous]

This book just came out. I haven’t read it - has anyone else?

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/cant-not-wont-eliza-fricker/1142548234#

[Anonymous]

Is virtual academy a good choice for kids like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is virtual academy a good choice for kids like this?

It was not for mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going through this too with my 8th grader. She has some physical health issues that have made it much worse. At this point she is not receiving a proper education although she still has mainly passing grades due to work she's done at home and submitted online. We have had a notice from her private school about potentially being kicked out if this continues. I'm not sure what to do if they kick her out at this point in the semester. Would she have to repeat 8th grade - or could we do some kind of homeschooling that will suffice? I have no clue...

She is in therapy and on meds but they seem to have stopped working so may need to switch to something different. I sympathize OP - it is so hard. People don't seem to understand it. They think by giving consequences your kid will go to school, it sadly doesn't work like that.

PP, I replied to you in your thread you posted on this. It is 100% illegal for your private school to kick your student out of school if the failure to attend school is due in part or in whole to some underlying physical or mental health issue. It is a form of disability discrimination to prevent access to education (which is what kicking someone out of school does) for reasons that have to do with a disability. Write a letter to your school explaining that your DC has physical and or mental health issues that are preventing her from attending school regularly. Include supporting documentation from your treating physician or therapist. Ask for a formal meeting with the school to discuss an accommodation plan things you can ask for are extended deadlines, copy of class, notes, copy of assignments, reduced work, extra time, etc.

My DD was in public school and missed a lot of school due to an underlying mental health issue. When she could not attend school due to her health issue, I simply wrote a medical excusal note that said, “DD missed school yesterday due to illness.” This was true, and it is also true when school refusal results from underlying health issues, whether physical or mental (like anxiety, depression, OCD, etc.) In both public and private school, there are usually policies that oblige teachers to provide missing work and extra time to complete it when a medical excusal note has been provided by a parent.

We found that when DD did show up some teachers and school administrators sometimes challenged these excusals and berated DD for not attending school, telling her things like she was making excuses, could have attended school if she wanted to, was lazy, etc. Sometimes teachers refused to provide accommodations, particularly when DD had only a partial day at school, saying that if she could attend for a part day, she could attend for a full day and they would threaten to fail her or not let her turn in an assignment, which of course made her worse. Other teachers were great and supportive, but even one negative teacher administrator, or school, security, guard or rating DD could make the situation much worse. I did not find out about this until I really sat down and talked to DD at length about why she felt so stressed. Although these seems like small incidents, they had a big negative impact.

All of these teacher and administrator criticisms of attendance in the context of prior notice of the health issue and a formal accommodations plan are also acts of disability discrimination and constitute retaliation for using the accommodations plan. These acts of discrimination can have serious legal and financial consequences for schools if a complaint or suit is filed. Upper level, administrators or administrators outside the school typically recognized us and fix these problems when they are made aware of them.

I know many parents are often reluctant to deal with school non-cooperation this way because parents are worried it is too confrontational and will make the situation worse. That was not our experience. In any case, for the PP in private school, describing the failure to accommodate and the ejection from school as disability discrimination now, may help you get your tuition $$ back down the line.

BTW, your DD definitely shouldn’t have to repeat 8th grade - and the thought of that would make any child unhappy much less one who was already struggling. (Although she might have to repeat French just due to the nature of how language builds on previous years and the lack of alternative instruction. Algebra you should be able to catch up on.)

Our situation got better when I wrote formal emails after each incident pointing out the failure to follow the accommodations plan and labeling it as an illegal act of discrimination. Teachers and admin started behaving appropriately. DD felt heard and supported instead of gaslit and that improved the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going through this too with my 8th grader. She has some physical health issues that have made it much worse. At this point she is not receiving a proper education although she still has mainly passing grades due to work she's done at home and submitted online. We have had a notice from her private school about potentially being kicked out if this continues. I'm not sure what to do if they kick her out at this point in the semester. Would she have to repeat 8th grade - or could we do some kind of homeschooling that will suffice? I have no clue...

She is in therapy and on meds but they seem to have stopped working so may need to switch to something different. I sympathize OP - it is so hard. People don't seem to understand it. They think by giving consequences your kid will go to school, it sadly doesn't work like that.

PP, I replied to you in your thread you posted on this. It is 100% illegal for your private school to kick your student out of school if the failure to attend school is due in part or in whole to some underlying physical or mental health issue. It is a form of disability discrimination to prevent access to education (which is what kicking someone out of school does) for reasons that have to do with a disability. Write a letter to your school explaining that your DC has physical and or mental health issues that are preventing her from attending school regularly. Include supporting documentation from your treating physician or therapist. Ask for a formal meeting with the school to discuss an accommodation plan things you can ask for are extended deadlines, copy of class, notes, copy of assignments, reduced work, extra time, etc.

My DD was in public school and missed a lot of school due to an underlying mental health issue. When she could not attend school due to her health issue, I simply wrote a medical excusal note that said, “DD missed school yesterday due to illness.” This was true, and it is also true when school refusal results from underlying health issues, whether physical or mental (like anxiety, depression, OCD, etc.) In both public and private school, there are usually policies that oblige teachers to provide missing work and extra time to complete it when a medical excusal note has been provided by a parent.

We found that when DD did show up some teachers and school administrators sometimes challenged these excusals and berated DD for not attending school, telling her things like she was making excuses, could have attended school if she wanted to, was lazy, etc. Sometimes teachers refused to provide accommodations, particularly when DD had only a partial day at school, saying that if she could attend for a part day, she could attend for a full day and they would threaten to fail her or not let her turn in an assignment, which of course made her worse. Other teachers were great and supportive, but even one negative teacher administrator, or school, security, guard or rating DD could make the situation much worse. I did not find out about this until I really sat down and talked to DD at length about why she felt so stressed. Although these seems like small incidents, they had a big negative impact.

All of these teacher and administrator criticisms of attendance in the context of prior notice of the health issue and a formal accommodations plan are also acts of disability discrimination and constitute retaliation for using the accommodations plan. These acts of discrimination can have serious legal and financial consequences for schools if a complaint or suit is filed. Upper level, administrators or administrators outside the school typically recognized us and fix these problems when they are made aware of them.

I know many parents are often reluctant to deal with school non-cooperation this way because parents are worried it is too confrontational and will make the situation worse. That was not our experience. In any case, for the PP in private school, describing the failure to accommodate and the ejection from school as disability discrimination now, may help you get your tuition $$ back down the line.

BTW, your DD definitely shouldn’t have to repeat 8th grade - and the thought of that would make any child unhappy much less one who was already struggling. (Although she might have to repeat French just due to the nature of how language builds on previous years and the lack of alternative instruction. Algebra you should be able to catch up on.)

Our situation got better when I wrote formal emails after each incident pointing out the failure to follow the accommodations plan and labeling it as an illegal act of discrimination. Teachers and admin started behaving appropriately. DD felt heard and supported instead of gaslit and that improved the situation.

Thank you this is very helpful. I am gathering letters of support from by dd's therapist and her physician. I think it was a standard letter that was sent when there is a lot of absences spelling out the repercussions for not attending. I will respond with my supporting letters, I was in a panic when I wrote this post! I am hoping that they won't kick her out as 8th grade is the final year at this school so it would be really cruel to do that just before graduation. I am not thinking of having her repeat 8th grade she would hate that and she is bright. I was just thinking that she may have to repeat Algebra 1 if she doesn't get a passing grade and maybe French 1 but they can both be done at 9th grade level.

[Anonymous]

Sorry that should read not anymore thinking of having her repeat 8th grade.

[Anonymous]

If you have not previously provided medical documentation of the issue, then I wouldn’t go in guns blazing about discrimination. Schools often send home letters about absences at certain trigger points; it’s a way of alerting the parents about the absences (in case the student is somehow forging notes) and prompting a discussion.

Respond to the note about absences. Say that you have been a bit overwhelmed copying with DD’s illness, and you would like an opportunity to share her health issues and work collaboratively with them to figure out some accommodations while she is coping with illness so that she can graduate from middle school. Include note from doctor with a diagnosis, brief description of impact and doctor’s suggestion/support for an accommodations plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is virtual academy a good choice for kids like this?

It wouldn’t be for us since we know he would be online doing anything but classes in the day. We would both be at work and we can’t quit our jobs. We experienced that during the covid shutdown.

[Anonymous]

Letting a child stay home or go virtual reinforces that "they can't do it" and must stay home. If school refusal isn't related to bullying but to anxiety or depression or ocd DO NOT allow them to stay home. We dealt with this with my teen and SPACE therapy for me and my husband was a game changer.

Also, look into fusion academy. My teen needed the support at fusion and then returned to home school and did very well. Now in college.

[Anonymous]

Im honestly overwhelmed with your kindness and support. It’s truly a day by day thing. At this point, it’s easier for my mental health to expect the worst (no school) and consider the day a success if she goes in (even if it’s late). My daughter is getting help for anxiety and depression.

We need a support group! And I’m so glad to hear of all experiences, especially where kids have gotten through it. On the topic of SPACE therapy, did you apply it, and also have a therapist for your teen? I’m reading the book now.

-OP

[Anonymous]

I did SPACE therapy with my partner to support our child and it changed our lives. It worked so well in helping my child become empowered and overcome the anxious thoughts. We did a SPACE group but found individual SPACE treatment better for us and our schedule. It was the best thing we ever did for our child and for our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did SPACE therapy with my partner to support our child and it changed our lives. It worked so well in helping my child become empowered and overcome the anxious thoughts. We did a SPACE group but found individual SPACE treatment better for us and our schedule. It was the best thing we ever did for our child and for our family.

Thank you!

-OP