School refusal

[Anonymous]

My high schooler is starting to refuse school. Monday mornings are the worst. Does anyone have tips on how to ease the pain and help her cope? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I went through that a lot earlier. I’m sure this won’t be a popular opinion, but what worked with my son is we give him 1 mental health day a month. So when he says he wants to stay home, I readily agree to it (no pressure) but remind him that it’s his 1 day for the month. Most times that would help him to agree to go in and not “waste” his day. Mondays still weren’t fun, but this made it more manageable.

[Anonymous]

I know that this is a huge issue for a lot of kids lately. I would talk to the guidance counselor now about it, and ask what other parents have done to intervene before it becomes a pattern. I would also have a big incentive to attend school and a major consequence for not going, and of course, I would look for a therapist who deals with anxiety right away.

[Anonymous]

This is a fantastic article about school refusal. Definitely worth a read. This is a really tough thing. If at all possible, get your kid to school. Say things like "I know this is really hard for you and I also know you can do it." Be gently firm because once it gets out of hand it's really tough to get back on track. Get help for your daughter, OP.

https://mountainvalleytreatment.org/hikikomori-the-future-of-anxiety-disorders/?fbclid=IwAR1QnGmorDP28qD5V6kU3fA5-heIhKeffLEFQUZALKPtp2V6Lf_UIgpUjHk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through that a lot earlier. I’m sure this won’t be a popular opinion, but what worked with my son is we give him 1 mental health day a month. So when he says he wants to stay home, I readily agree to it (no pressure) but remind him that it’s his 1 day for the month. Most times that would help him to agree to go in and not “waste” his day. Mondays still weren’t fun, but this made it more manageable.

BTDT mom. Honestly this is brilliant if it works.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the suggestions and links. Will be researching more too.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a fantastic article about school refusal. Definitely worth a read. This is a really tough thing. If at all possible, get your kid to school. Say things like "I know this is really hard for you and I also know you can do it." Be gently firm because once it gets out of hand it's really tough to get back on track. Get help for your daughter, OP.

https://mountainvalleytreatment.org/hikikomori-the-future-of-anxiety-disorders/?fbclid=IwAR1QnGmorDP28qD5V6kU3fA5-heIhKeffLEFQUZALKPtp2V6Lf_UIgpUjHk

We were taught this exact script when my much younger child was going through school refusal. Make time the night before, not in the morning when you are saying your script to ask what is going on and what is hard and try to problem solve. Don’t minimize things that feel hard. Follow up with the school unless it’s a serious breach of trust. But then in the morning, it’s very boring, you say your script and you expect them to go. If they don’t go things need to be boring, no screens but also no negative attention either.

Good luck, this was one of the hardest things I’ve been through with my kids to date.

[Anonymous]

Turning off the wifi, removing cell phone and any video game access are also key.

[Anonymous]

My son who was in 9th grade started with school refusal and texting to ask to leave school. His attendance rate in 9th grade was around 70%. The school did NOT seem to care because he was willing to do work when he was home and submit it on time. His teachers just let him take quizzes and tests when he returned or excused him because he was a quiet, hardworking kid who never caused any problems. He has a 504 plan for another reason so maybe that is also why teachers made it easy for him to keep up. I called and/or emailed his school counselor, another counselor at the school who was supposed to meet with him but never did), the school psychologist and assistant principal. Not one of them was helpful.

What worked was medication for anxiety and cbt therapy. 10th grade is so much better.

[Anonymous]

Thanks again everyone for sharing experiences and ideas. This is probably the most supportive forum on DCUM!!
-OP

[Anonymous]

We are going through this now with my 9th grader. I also think the 1 mental health day a month is good, if it works. Mine gets in moods and won’t care about anything or any consequences. Taking away things and punishment hasn’t been effective. We have been in regular contact with his school guidance counselor and found a therapist he actually likes, who he sometimes will talk to or see on the bad days.

He’s not doing all of his work but has been doing enough to pass. His teachers have been flexible and given him so many deadlines and retake chances that he doesn’t take. They have all been supportive and at this point, we are hoping he turns in enough to earn credit in at least the content classes. His therapist has really been helpful for us to also manage our expectations and take things day by day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are going through this now with my 9th grader. I also think the 1 mental health day a month is good, if it works. Mine gets in moods and won’t care about anything or any consequences. Taking away things and punishment hasn’t been effective. We have been in regular contact with his school guidance counselor and found a therapist he actually likes, who he sometimes will talk to or see on the bad days.

He’s not doing all of his work but has been doing enough to pass. His teachers have been flexible and given him so many deadlines and retake chances that he doesn’t take. They have all been supportive and at this point, we are hoping he turns in enough to earn credit in at least the content classes. His therapist has really been helpful for us to also manage our expectations and take things day by day.

My DS was like this too. The only thing that helped us turn the corner was meds for anxiety and depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are going through this now with my 9th grader. I also think the 1 mental health day a month is good, if it works. Mine gets in moods and won’t care about anything or any consequences. Taking away things and punishment hasn’t been effective. We have been in regular contact with his school guidance counselor and found a therapist he actually likes, who he sometimes will talk to or see on the bad days.

He’s not doing all of his work but has been doing enough to pass. His teachers have been flexible and given him so many deadlines and retake chances that he doesn’t take. They have all been supportive and at this point, we are hoping he turns in enough to earn credit in at least the content classes. His therapist has really been helpful for us to also manage our expectations and take things day by day.

My DS was like this too. The only thing that helped us turn the corner was meds for anxiety and depression.

You are quoting me. Was your son willing to take them on his own? This is part of our problem. It took a long time to even get him to participate in therapy and then longer to find someone he liked. He refuses ADHD meds and won’t consider meds for anything else. At this age, medication and any programs need to be voluntary so it’s really hard.

My kid is already saying he is not going tomorrow. So OP, even though it is hard there are many of us out there going through similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went through that a lot earlier. I’m sure this won’t be a popular opinion, but what worked with my son is we give him 1 mental health day a month. So when he says he wants to stay home, I readily agree to it (no pressure) but remind him that it’s his 1 day for the month. Most times that would help him to agree to go in and not “waste” his day. Mondays still weren’t fun, but this made it more manageable.

BTDT mom. Honestly this is brilliant if it works.

+1. I like it.

[Anonymous]

OP, make sure there isn't something going on to cause it. Bullying? Undiagnosed learning need? Social problems? A teacher who your kid hates?