How do you empathize when someone neglected health for long long time

[Anonymous]

NP and not a caregiver, but I would think it's hard not to feel annoyance, disappointment, and anger if you are the one having to care for someone due to conditions that a lifestyle change could have prevented. Even if you love the person and will take care of them despite those feelings.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to empathize but you can be kind.

Did they support you in life?

Is your love unconditional or conditional on passing your test?

[Anonymous]

You are also living in a time when things are much more well understood.

Physicians used to promote cigarettes.

Women were discouraged from exercising.

NO ONE jogged.

It was so common to drink and drive ("one for the road").

We were encouraged to eat meat and drink milk.

So it it is hard for you to understand how some of the changes demanded by a healthy lifestyle now might feel to someone who developed other habits over a lifetime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are also living in a time when things are much more well understood.

Physicians used to promote cigarettes.

Women were discouraged from exercising.

NO ONE jogged.

It was so common to drink and drive ("one for the road").

We were encouraged to eat meat and drink milk.

So it it is hard for you to understand how some of the changes demanded by a healthy lifestyle now might feel to someone who developed other habits over a lifetime.

This. Think about the history of healthcare and 'caring'. As a society, we've come from male-dominated, authoritative medical care to more integrated caregivers and a lot more awareness of and sensitivity to pain and fear. Remember, women used to be told that they had 'no nerve endings down there' and don't feel pain and similar things. Drug studies were conducted on white males only. And, for many people, medical care was a burdensome expense and insurance wasn't particularly available. Questioning a doctor wasn't tolerated. Black people were used for medical research without their knowledge.

It takes a long time to change cultural beliefs both within the medical community and in society at large and to build trust. It can take generations.

So, while I understand it's frustrating to see people neglect to take care of themselves, I believe the underlying issue is large and is changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents do not take care of their health and may die soon, which is devestating. I think about how they were born in the 40s/50s, in large impoverished families, and what it must have been like to get those first real paychecks and be able to buy whatever crappy foods they wanted. I think about how they were working class young adults in the 70s but are miraculously not smokers. I think about how they were both traumatized at home, and self-medicate with food (mom) and alcohol (dad). I think about how busy they were throughout my childhood, providing for me and making my life better by working nights (mom) and DIYing on the weekends (dad) and volunteering in my youth groups (both) rather than creating fitness and dietary regimes for themselves. I think about how hard it is to change 40 or 50 years of habits once they've gotten really bad.

And, because I'm petty, I think about how annoying it is when my healthy fit relatives go on about their diet and supplements. My parents are unhealthy, but they are fun and they have hobbies.

This is an interesting perspective that takes into account different values and tradeoffs. Thanks for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL has never had a mammogram, colonoscopy or bone density test even though we have encouraged her to do so. It blows my mind. You can lead a horse to water.... but in the end we'll be dealing with a sick horse.

Why do you assume that? If she doesn’t get breast cancer the mammograms won’t matter. Same with colonoscopy.

[Anonymous]

My mom is in terrible health with multiple issues at 70 and a good chunk of it is certainly exacerbated (not caused) by decades of poor diet and exercise.

I have absolutely zero resentment or judgment. I empathize tremendously. She is an amazing woman who has been a great mother to me my entire life. She is suffering. It is heartbreaking. And I do everything I can to support her.

What is the value of harboring resentment or dwelling on past poor decisions? Who does that help? It doesn't ease her suffering, nor does it make my life any better. Why would I?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL has never had a mammogram, colonoscopy or bone density test even though we have encouraged her to do so. It blows my mind. You can lead a horse to water.... but in the end we'll be dealing with a sick horse.

If she made it past the 40s/50s/60s without cancer, it probably doesn’t matter. You generally stop having these screening tests after 70 or so. Everyone dies of something, and if it’s breast cancer in your 80s, it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Joggers have heart attacks, die while exercising. You are not God. You do not know what will or will not save someone.

I say that not to be harsh, but if you no longer feel *you* know what will control the outcome, that's a burden you don' have to shoulder, for someone else. (of course for yourself, may as well keep doing all you can)

[Anonymous]

Having lost two family members who did take of their health to horrible cancers, don’t be so sure you know best. No one knows what the end of life holds - be supportive and loving.

[Anonymous]

Both of my parents have issues. One went to the doctor regularly but has poor compliance. It will catch up eventually. The other hasn't been to the doctor in 30 years and it's all hitting the fan at once now. I never say the coulda/woulda/shoulda because that ship has sailed- I just help with emotional support to help navigate the current crisis as best I can.

[Anonymous]

Everyone gets sick sometimes. Everyone dies.

This obsession with doing everything you believe to be "healthy" is the flip side of blaming anyone who gets sick.

People can get lung cancer because they lived in a city or worked in a place with bad air or for no apparent reason at all. That doesn't make them more deserving of your love than someone who smoked and gets lung cancer.

Lose the superior attitude. You could learn you have a serious illness tomorrow -- you really want everyone you know telling you "it's because you eat too much kale. Kale is poison."

[Anonymous]

I understand that having and using access to health care is not an indicator of moral superiority. So it's not hard.

[Anonymous]

A lot of elderly people, especially women have had doctors do and say heinous things to them in the past. My mother was sexually assaulted by a doctor as a teenage and no one believed her and childbirth was traumatic for her due to poor maternity healthcare, she had a still born and many more things. She was afraid of doctors and dentists.

[Anonymous]

I think it really varies. If it's your grandma who would do anything for anyone and could not afford good health care of course you have empathy and help however you can. If it's someone with the means and time who just refuses, but expects everyone to jump to for every emergency I set boundaries. I have been there for way too many emergencies.