What do you do if, deep down, you're resentful toward your special needs child?

[Anonymous]

I think frustration with tantrums is very common, as is feeling hopeless and unsure about what to do when they are happening. Many emotions come up when you have a child with SN.

I’d try to find a professional that can provide some home based services to help determine why the tantrums are occurring. This is the first step in minimizing or eliminating tantrums. Based on the “why” are tantrums happening they can help teach alternative skills other than tantrums (communication skills, independent living skills, transitions, accepting no, etc) and provide parent training to help prevent tantrums (environmental arrangement, schedules, etc).

Therapy for yourself isn’t a bad idea either, but dealing with the day to day head on and figuring out the why behind the tantrums and how to fix it will be most useful long-term. It might take some time but it’s certainly time well spent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re not alone.

+1

[Anonymous]

+1

I try to stay on an exercise schedule, spend time with friends so I can face DC more patiently

Also when it gets really bad I try to journal a few good things about DC at the end of the day to keep myself from spiraling too far

[Anonymous]

Therapy for you. It has helped me so much. Big hug OP.

[Anonymous]

I adopted a meditation practice that has helped ground me more than therapy. I'm sacrificing career goals in order to make more time to self care. I am hyperfixated on gratitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never been resentful exactly, but every time DS has an ADHD or Aspie or OCD moment, or he's made his teachers mad, or made a perfectly avoidable mistake at home due to these things, I get angry, and I know that anger comes from fear that he won't make it by himself as an adult - or at least, not without getting fired from multiple jobs and people thinking he's very odd.

I understand, OP. And I agree with this poster, at least for myself: so much is about fear, when I really think about it. DC started medication and it helped a bit, but it will always be a challenge. Good luck to you. I second therapy.

[Anonymous]

I feel resentful about my sister's special need child and how much they work they are. It's so hard to know when they're just not capable of doing basic things vs. when they're just lazy and don't care about her. They take her for granted and then shower their dad with affection. Makes me really mad because she's given up her own hopes and dreams for herself in order to stay home and give them extra support. But they treat her worse than a maid.

[Anonymous]

I came on here to post something similar so I just want to say you aren't alone. I don't know if it is resent that I feel but I just got a huge laundry list email about all the "wrong/bad" things my kid did today and it is just exhausting and I feel defeated.

I feel like he is trying hard and we are trying hard and it is just not enough and it sucks and I worry so much about this future and he is only 7! I have zero idea how to make it through these older years without losing it.

[Anonymous]

Amen to all of this. I feel it all and then hate myself for feeling it. Which doesn’t help.

[Anonymous]

Give yourself some grace. You’re doing so, so much and have made so many sacrifices. It’s not easy to come to terms with that. And +1 for you’re not alone, and have seen so many parents and families who have had it easier and worse too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never been resentful exactly, but every time DS has an ADHD or Aspie or OCD moment, or he's made his teachers mad, or made a perfectly avoidable mistake at home due to these things, I get angry, and I know that anger comes from fear that he won't make it by himself as an adult - or at least, not without getting fired from multiple jobs and people thinking he's very odd.

Same. It’s a fear one my HfA spouse likes to claim I am “catastrophizing.”

So I hope my kid will be somewhat independent and find a nice slow paced govt job and live in their own apartment. Not with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Big hugs to you, OP. The situation is hard.

PP mentioned fear. A lot of the negative emotions stem from fear, when you drill down far enough. It might help to think about that a little more. Maybe it's fear for your child, maybe it's fear you won't get your own needs meet, maybe some complicated mix of a lot of things.

But you can't figure out how to address the root when you can't see it for what it is.

So very hard.

There no way to address the root. Your future is altered. The child’s future will have lots of ups and downs. But many people do. Life is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't resent my DC, although he makes all of our lives difficult and makes the family stressed and unhappy. I do hope that he never has children. I'll never say this to DH because they're so much alike.

+1. I’ve never asked my MIL to compare notes on how difficult this all is.

[Anonymous]

Please don't hate yourself for having thoughts! It's normal and natural. I know it seems like one more thing you have to do, but please please please get a therapist for yourself. You deserve to have a space just for you to process this.

Behavioral issues are so hard because you have to fight your own nature to understand that it's not volitional, to not yell when being yelled at, etc.

Acceptance will help, as will maturity--but both take time. It won't be like this forever, and remind yourself that you can't see the future.