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Elementary School-Aged Kids
If your teen is a well-rounded, kind, confident, independent kid...
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Anonymous
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I have a great 15 y/o DS who gives me no problems whatsover. I also have a DD8 who is already giving me hell.. part of it is luck, and part of it is parenting.
My oldest child I raised by myself for the first 7 years of his life. We are VERY close, and I always talked to and treated him with respect. Many nights, he was the only other person I had to talk to, so he is very verbal and has a great vocabulary from the get-go. I think that us vs. the world mentality created a strong bond between us and he trusts me for guidance. He's just a great kid. My two kids from my second marriage are harder to influence because of my husband, whose perspective is very different from mine. My kids try to divide and conquer and do so very well. It's a balancing act, but like pp's have said: chores respect limits supervising friendships and steering away from bad ones values |
Anonymous
| 23:20 here - 23:47, I'm so sorry if you thought my comment about camp was directed at you. It wasn't! I'm a huge camp fan, but I've seen a number of parents make such a fuss when sending their kids off to camp that the kids never go again (I know some kids don't like camp, but some parents hate giving up the control and make such a fuss that the kids never go again, even though they have had a good time). I've seen this a couple of times, so that's why I mentioned it. |
Anonymous
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Having a healthy, trust-based, loving relationship with your children, parents, strangers and significant other.
Get rid of the Entitlement virus: I love it that my teenage boy is kind and patient with the tollbooth operator, the dog, the principal, the waitress and his 2 year old niece. Also - if possible have them spend some time working with younger children as they get older. Nothing builds self-confidence and a sense of humor better than spending time with 3 year olds. |
Anonymous
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Avoid desperate measures.
Agree that breeding a "mini-you" may or *may not* be the best thing. Addressing your issues as best you can so as to not inflict (inadvertently or otherwise) and burden your kid (with having to address the same issues). Not re-enacting your short falls. Ex: pressure to be this way or that; being all about appearances; brown-nosing; making one person the "fall guy" in hopes it puts you/your kid in a better light. Desperate measures, indeed! I have seen friends do this to their small children, only to learn it works against them (as a practice) later. It may not make sense unless you actually see it in action. But when you see it, it is quite sad. |
Anonymous
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My children are wonderful in public, and can be horrendous to deal with at times in private. They are 13 and 11. People often compliment me on how responsible and polite they are, etc. It's very nice to hear, but at home they are sullen, mouthy and lazy at times. I try not to get upset about it, but it does grate on me. They were very sweet, adorable, rambunctious children, but these pre-teen/teen years are trying.
We have regular family meals every night; we travel with the children as often as we can (twice to Europe and many times to various parts of the U.S.); we do not allow TV except on weekends, and then it is limited to 2 hours per day. No video games, no internet, no email, no cell phones. They do have ipods. They are very imaginative and can entertain themselves well, plus they read a lot. I suppose all of this may explain their public personas. In private, I think they are pushing our buttons and testing the limits we've put on them. I expect this is a phase they will outgrow, but it is tough to endure. I did my best, but this is how they express their independence. They have to separate from their parents. I wish it were not so painful (to the parents!). |
Anonymous
| 20:42 - the lack of real world contact - TV (not even sporting events?), no internet (how do they do school work research?), etc., sounds super harsh. Would not do that to my kids and I don't think that contributes to the button-pushing or lack thereof. Then again, I have been more of the parenting style that if you don't act like anything is a big deal (as in, OMG, you only can have ONE candy!), then they don't usually care as much about whatever it is. |
Anonymous
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20:42 This seems extreme. Doesn't the 13 year old need email for school? How do you coordinate picking him up when he socializes? Be careful with being overly strict. He might rebel big time. My 13 year old has a cell and email account. He watches some TV but limited. He is a straight A student and club athlete.
Didn't you get to talk on the phone when you were his age? Cell and email are this generation's equivalent. |
Anonymous
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A lot goes into it but one key thing for me is understanding and accepting that your children are emotionally separate from you. I need to let my kid have her emotions, especially the ones parents find scary such as sadness or anger. It doesn't mean that I put up with rude behavior -- no way! -- but that I recognize that her feelings are not all about me. I can set limits and accept that she is mad at me because of it and not freak out. I listen if she is sad and let her talk and I don't have to fix it.
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Anonymous
| 20:42, Keep up the good fight! You are not too harsh at all. You are the parent, and you set the rules. Our family rules were similar to yours until my husband bought my teenagers an xbox, and I do think the family tone has deteriorated significantly as a result. We fight a lot about time limits. I continue to struggle with the question whether teaching moderation is more important -- it sure is harder. |
Anonymous
OP here. What happened after buying the XBox? I get pressure from my kids to buy them the Wii, and the are in the first years of elem. school! So far, I have said, no, no, no, but I'm wondering if I'm being too strict. |
Anonymous
| 22:48 It's your call but how do students deal with school and extracurriculars and a social life without email and a cell phone? My son would be sunk. Also we use a cell all the time to connect when we're out and about or I'm pickinghim up at school or at the movies. You can set rules around them, and not have a teen who feels deprived. Your fights around the xbox might stem from your relative rigidity on other gadget matters! My son has email and a cell and he respects the boundaries. Whose approach is working here? You fight, we don't. |
Anonymous
Cracks me up to see televised sporting events and the internet equated with "real world contact." |
Anonymous
No cell, no email, no fights here. |
Anonymous
| 12:58 You're obviously not 11:48! How old is your child? My child has needed email for school since Sixth Grade. Cell came in Seventh Grade to coordinate pickup after school when DC switch to a school across town. |
Anonymous
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I know you're looking for real-world advice and examples, not book reading, but I can't resist. I really, really loved this book -- found it super helpful in focusing on what I as a parent can do to support my child as she grows:
Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, by Myla Kabat-zinn and Jon Kabat-zinn http://www.amazon.com/Everyday-Blessings-Inner-Mindful-Parenting/dp/0786883146 |