If your teen is a well-rounded, kind, confident, independent kid...

[Anonymous]

... what did you do during the elementary years that got them to that point?

I have 2 elem. school aged kids, and I'm just curious to hear from parents of good teens.

[Anonymous]

We send them to Landon

[Anonymous]

I've got two and one fits the description better than the other so I do think some of it is the kid themselves. A couple of things, although none are particularly earth shattering:

- involvement in extracurriculars that aren't just sports. We've done soccer, lacrosse, etc but also scouts, music lessons, band, church. We also tried to get the kids to stick with activities for at least 2 years unless it was really a terrible fit. Both do team sports in addition to individual sports.
- no xbox. We did get a Wii but it gets limited play.
- limited/no TV during the week. By 8th grade we really didn't even have to say it because they both had homework that kept them busy in the evenings.
- summer programs - at least 2-3 weeks away from home (sleepaway camp, Hopkins CTY, service program, etc).
- saying no on occasion
- family vacations
- attended a small progressive k-8 school that was/is a great community with lots of personal attention and strong academics

Both parents work so they were in after school programs in the earlier years and that may have actually helped. We aren't helicoptering 24-7.

[Anonymous]

Lots of saying "no" to ridiculous things when saying "yes" was easier.

Chores.

A Good night's sleep.

[Anonymous]

Breakfast! Chores. Consequences that we stuck to even when it was hard. Recognition of accomplishments. Extracurriculars that addressed an interest (music, sports, theater). Consistent church attendance. Reading and library as habits. Family dinner most nights. Limited TV (as in limited to the weekends, and only a couple of hours per day then). Fun! Exposure to the arts. Travel when possible. Regular visits to family.

[Anonymous]

What 17:09 said. Give them the foundation. Part of it's luck. Hormones, coupled with the adolescent brain, are monsters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What 17:09 said. Give them the foundation. Part of it's luck. Hormones, coupled with the adolescent brain, are monsters.

That is what I'm worried about. All the kids are happy-go-lucky the first few years of elem. school, but by high school there are huge differences in the way kids behave.

Thanks for all of your comments, PPs.

[Anonymous]

I'm 11:44. DC is almost 14. Which means I survived my first year as the parent of a teen. I used to watch DC's friends older siblings be mouthy and negative and tell myself I will never allow that. Well, I've had my comeuppance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 11:44. DC is almost 14. Which means I survived my first year as the parent of a teen. I used to watch DC's friends older siblings be mouthy and negative and tell myself I will never allow that. Well, I've had my comeuppance.

I feel your pain! My once well-mannered, docile, agreeable DS is now a moody, quiet, argumentative and mouthy 15 yr old. I have to use a huge amount of self control to keep a calm, cool demeanor. I am not used to him arguing or trying to argue with me so relentlessly about issues. I hear they do grow out of it.....Unfortunately, I didn't grow out of it until a became a parent, myself. Oh no!

[Anonymous]

I don't have a teen, but I really admire friends of ours with a teen and a pre-teen. What I have observed (and hope to emulate):

* respect. They treat their kids with respect. They have never talked down to their kids or treated them as lesser beings. Rules are explained. Opinions are valued. The kids respect them in return, even if they kids don't get their way.

* logic. Goes along with respect. If there is logic behind your rules, kids are less likely to argue with them.

* support. Support their interests. Help them develop support systems in the form of good friends, church/temple, scouts, other adults. Do what you can to ensure they are getting enough sleep (avoid overscheduling, help set priorities) and access to the right nutrition (and an understanding of what food can do for your body, positive and negative).

* role model. Model the behaviors you want your child to develop. Be kind and considerate to your spouse/partner.

All of this sounds trite, but lived day in and day out, I think it makes a difference. I think it also helps to have at least one interest in common with each kid. Something that gives you the excuse to spend time together, opening the door to communication.

[Anonymous]

15:52 You know teens are masters of the public-private persona. People think my DC is wonderful. And he is with most of the universe. I know his dark side!

[Anonymous]

Another vote for respect/logic/support/role modeling.

No breakfast, no chores, no church, and minimal sleep, LOL -- but lots of fun, travel, books, music, family, and CONVERSATION. Endless conversation about everything.

[Anonymous]

I agree with much of the above -- and would emphasize that it takes constant work and time on the part of the parents. Lots of focus on teaching kids to be independent, letting them make mistakes, be responsible etc etc I see family dinners almost every night (with time to talk, not just gobble down food) has having had a huge influence on our connections with and between our kids, which them makes it easier to get through the rough patches. Making time to do things one on one with the kids has also helped -- even if just stopping at Starbucks or going to the grocery store together. I have found parenting classes to be particularly helpful in learning to deal with my teens -- I liked Thriving with Teens through PEP in Kensington, but I'm sure there are other good programs out there. You can always use the reinforcement and usually learn something new!

[Anonymous]

I agree with all of these posts. I'll second don't be afraid to say no - or, that's a waste of money. Also - encourage independence from a young age -( sending kids to camp and then making them feel guilty about leaving you doesn't count). Talk to them about school - what is going on etc, and def. sit down for dinner when you can and talk about anything and everything. And-remember that even the most angelic kids are going to vent from time to time - they are teens and that's what they do. If they are good kids the majority of the time, then give them a break if they have an outburst every once in awhile. Sometimes, the look on my teen son's face when he gets frustrated, and I tell him I understand, is worth 100 bad words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with all of these posts. I'll second don't be afraid to say no - or, that's a waste of money. Also - encourage independence from a young age -( sending kids to camp and then making them feel guilty about leaving you doesn't count). Talk to them about school - what is going on etc, and def. sit down for dinner when you can and talk about anything and everything. And-remember that even the most angelic kids are going to vent from time to time - they are teens and that's what they do. If they are good kids the majority of the time, then give them a break if they have an outburst every once in awhile. Sometimes, the look on my teen son's face when he gets frustrated, and I tell him I understand, is worth 100 bad words.

making them feel guilty about leaving you...teens? I am a pp who posted about sending kids to camp or other summer programs and I am certain that they don't think we are moping around waiting for them. In fact 2 summers ago my dd was pissed that DH and I went to Europe while she was away and with flight schedules weren't able to get back to greet her at the airport when she returned (her grandmother did). Last summer we had 2 weeks with overlapping programs for both kids - it was fun. A little weird since we'd never had that long a stretch with both gone, but strangely liberating. I think by the time they are teens they and we are ready for at least a short break, even if they are great kids.