Sibling rivalry between MIDDLE AGED siblings??

[Anonymous]

Spoiler alert: most of us don't get more mature or better at relationships as we age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spoiler alert: most of us don't get more mature or better at relationships as we age.

OP.
Yes I know, but I had assumed that middle aged people would have left their sibling rivalry behind them once they are in their 20s or 30s.

What's more, my SIL's husband at age 60 (!) also participates in this rivalry business, and he's a BIL, not a son.

I'm an only so never had to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

It's worse than ever after dealing with declining parents. Not competition per se, just complete incompatibility and anger. I'm done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spoiler alert: most of us don't get more mature or better at relationships as we age.

Sadly this.

Advanced age does not mean increased emotional intelligence, empathy, or ability to manage relationships - unfortunately.

Bad habits seem to get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's not middle aged unless they have a trend in their family of living to between 100 and 120 years old. They are carrying their family dynamic into old age and likely will never change.

So you consider "30" middle aged? You must be very young to think of 60 as old!

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is a thing. And sibling rivalry continues after parents die and when the parents' possessions like valuable jewelry, antique furniture and art have to be divided among the adult children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a thing?

I notice it among my inlaws.

DH is 63, his sisters are 50 and 56. Everything seems to be a competition. If one sibling does or has something worth telling the others then another sibling wants to do or have something similar, but more or better.
They post pictures of whatever 'it' is on the family group chat.

There also seems to be this constant competition about who does what and how much, or how often, for their elderly mother who is a widow. The bigger the better.

My SILs especially seem to be very competitive, especially around gaining their mother's approval. DH not so much, he thinks one of his sisters is too competitive and he tends to stay out of it, or reply with a fairly neutral response on the family group chat.

I am surprised this is still happening at their age.

I'm an only child so I never had to compete with anyone.

I'd look at the MIL--is she driving it by withholding love, affection or respect? I know my parents try to pit me and my siblings against each other even now that we're in our 30s and 40s. I moved on from caring years ago, but everytime we're together as a family my parents do their best to reignite competition between us. It's a terrible dynamic and I do my best to just walk away, but it's hard to avoid being sucked in.

OP here. MIL is lovely but she is closer to - and therefore favors - the SIL who is the middle child.
In simplistic terms I think the other 2 adult children are trying to impress their mother in order to gain 'brownie points' and as a result the favored middle child SIL is responding by trying to outdo DH (eldest) and her sister (youngest) to stay at the top of the pecking order.

I know this all sounds very dramatic and more context is probably needed, but sometimes this one-upmanship is obvious and sometimes it is subtle.

My DH is the more subtle of the 3 and when he does things for his mother he just does them, rather than posting about it on social media.

NP. My MIL has also created this dynamic amongst her kids- I am married to one of her sons. 2 boys and 2 girls. No one will believe me, but as recently as, oh, 5 years ago or so, MIL would send an email ranking the kids for the past week. Meaning- Larlo is 1/4 this week because he helped me repair the dishwasher. Larla is 4/4 because she did not call me.

Early in our relationship, when I mentioned this to DH, he laughed it off saying it was obviously a funny joke.
I did not realize then what I do now. That the sense of competition and pitting siblings agst ech other for her benefit and games was not going to be something that he would ever be able to see for what it truly was. The dysfunction is too engrained.
Unsurprisingly, sibling rivalry is rampant. Competition amongst them re: real estate, travel, kid accomplishments- it is exhausting. I have extremely limited contact with MIL and siblings beyond pleasantries.

Truthfully, if I had met DH later and older in life, I should not have married him. The dysfunction runs deep and is real, yall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a thing?

I notice it among my inlaws.

DH is 63, his sisters are 50 and 56. Everything seems to be a competition. If one sibling does or has something worth telling the others then another sibling wants to do or have something similar, but more or better.
They post pictures of whatever 'it' is on the family group chat.

There also seems to be this constant competition about who does what and how much, or how often, for their elderly mother who is a widow. The bigger the better.

My SILs especially seem to be very competitive, especially around gaining their mother's approval. DH not so much, he thinks one of his sisters is too competitive and he tends to stay out of it, or reply with a fairly neutral response on the family group chat.

I am surprised this is still happening at their age.

I'm an only child so I never had to compete with anyone.

I'd look at the MIL--is she driving it by withholding love, affection or respect? I know my parents try to pit me and my siblings against each other even now that we're in our 30s and 40s. I moved on from caring years ago, but everytime we're together as a family my parents do their best to reignite competition between us. It's a terrible dynamic and I do my best to just walk away, but it's hard to avoid being sucked in.

OP here. MIL is lovely but she is closer to - and therefore favors - the SIL who is the middle child.
In simplistic terms I think the other 2 adult children are trying to impress their mother in order to gain 'brownie points' and as a result the favored middle child SIL is responding by trying to outdo DH (eldest) and her sister (youngest) to stay at the top of the pecking order.

I know this all sounds very dramatic and more context is probably needed, but sometimes this one-upmanship is obvious and sometimes it is subtle.

My DH is the more subtle of the 3 and when he does things for his mother he just does them, rather than posting about it on social media.

NP. My MIL has also created this dynamic amongst her kids- I am married to one of her sons. 2 boys and 2 girls. No one will believe me, but as recently as, oh, 5 years ago or so, MIL would send an email ranking the kids for the past week. Meaning- Larlo is 1/4 this week because he helped me repair the dishwasher. Larla is 4/4 because she did not call me.

Early in our relationship, when I mentioned this to DH, he laughed it off saying it was obviously a funny joke.
I did not realize then what I do now. That the sense of competition and pitting siblings agst ech other for her benefit and games was not going to be something that he would ever be able to see for what it truly was. The dysfunction is too engrained.
Unsurprisingly, sibling rivalry is rampant. Competition amongst them re: real estate, travel, kid accomplishments- it is exhausting. I have extremely limited contact with MIL and siblings beyond pleasantries.

Truthfully, if I had met DH later and older in life, I should not have married him. The dysfunction runs deep and is real, yall.

OP here.

That all sounds awful and very childish. You are right to limit your contact with your MIL and siblings.

In my own situation one of my BILs also participates in this nonsense. And he's 60! He should know better.