Elderly and Driving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: In my presence, a doctor said no more driving due to strength and reaction time. That was independent of vision issues.

I have no intention of caving because it will just make it worse. Since license is expiring in a few months, time limited in a sense but months could feel like years and a lot of harm is being done to relationships. She had always "planned to stop" driving then anyway as did not think license would be renewed at age w/declining vision. So qw thought she had been coming to terms with it but the reality seems to be hitting hard.

The raging is so unfortunate.

I'm reaching out to a safe driver program LE has in that area and will also see if the doctor documented those statements in the treatment note. She is on a waiting list re: an eye exam. We may just have to wait this out a bit until license expires in a few months.

Any tips or experiences welcome. It sad that this time is so full of conflict and upset.

get the doctor to notify DMV ASAP

Yes, do this. My dad had to stop driving over 5 years ago because of the effects of Parkinsons. The dr notified the DMV where we are and I'm so glad...because my dad STILL thinks he is going to get his lisence back!

I was at the bank with him just last month for him to deposit a small check, and the teller, who knows us, asked if he was going to take Mom to dinner tonight? And he said, completely seriously "No, I'm going to the DMV to get my drivers license back"!!! Since I was driving, that of course wasn't happening, but if he ever did manage to get there at least with the dr note they won't issue it.

Oh, remove the battery cable from the battery. Easy to put back and Mom likely won't figure that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stand firm, OP. My mom would not shut up about being told by me and her doctor that she was no longer safe to drive. It went on about 5 years where I had to listen to her complaints. During that time, she could barely walk, had falls, progressive dementia, etc.

Remember what you've written here, and be sure to shut up when you're elderly.

NP. Plenty of elders don't take out their aging on others. I do hope to remember that example.

I agree. My parents were never difficult. Nevertheless, the words "would not shut up" don't come from someone with a patient, caring approach.

I suspect that patient, caring approach is several hundred miles in the rearview mirror.

Everyone burns out eventually. Even you and I, PP.

[Anonymous]

We thought my mom was no longer driving. Then she decided she needed to run a quick errand, stepped on the gas when she was in drive and not reverse, jumped the curb and crashed into the front of her apartment building. Thank God she didn’t kill anyone.

Disable the car. Tell the parent that if they kill someone all their savings will be taken by the court to give to the family I’d the deceased and they will have nothing to live on. Not worth the chance. My spouse’s elderly aunt killed herself, her husband, and two people in another car by turning the wrong way on an unfamiliar road.

[Anonymous]

Give back keys. And use therapeutic lying to keep the fights to a minimum. Use a multi layered approach.

If they have a battery, remove or flip over battery so they don’t work anymore. So she’ll have her precious keys (which now have become a symbol that everything is okay)

And disable the car by disconnecting the battery or draining it and also pulling a fuse. So if she figures out how to get the keys to work, the car still won’t start. Then place a note by the battery or fuse box letting anyone trying to fix the car why it’s been disabled.

If she figures out the car is “broken”, have it towed away. Tell her it’s at the garage to be fixed. Then keep telling her the part is on back order (supply chain issues). Then keep telling her that until she stops asking.

At no point should you be the one telling her that she needs to stop driving. The doctor can, the dmv can, insurance can, but you must appear to her to be on her side.

[Anonymous]

You can also have a kill switch installed. That way if she complains her car won’t start, you can go out and have the car start for you. But once you are gone, it won’t work.


https://www.palermolawgroup.com/blog/vehicle-kill-switch-law

[Anonymous]

Acknowledge how hard it is because you're right it's the mental hurdle of losing access that's bugging her. Mostly just remind her that she could lose her home and assets in an lawsuit over an accident, not to mention inadvertently kill a pedestrian or a child.

[Anonymous]

Some in the family really want the car out of there. Relative says she will not request a copy of the title from DMV or sign one until she has the keys back. Now says she will get a key from the dealer despite the cost.

I think one motive is to drive to the liquor store, another driving and health concern given medications being taken.

A doctor can get the DMV to pull the license but I don't see how you legally remove someone's car that they are the sole owner of? She is paying huge amounts in insurance on a car sitting in the garage. Before returning home she seemed on board to sell it or give it away as soon as a title was found or ordered and get the balance of the high insurance premium refunded. Now, a 180. Wonder how sincere the agreement was and if it was just saying what people wanted to hear. Sheriff said if there is any type of accident they can require an assessment of fitness to drive, but not before. License expires in a few months and I doubt it would be renewed, she has always spoken of stopping driving at that birthday anyway.

It's all so ugly and unfortunate. I could see her reporting it stolen. It's difficult.

She has AAA so if the car did not operate she would call them.

[Anonymous]

https://www.thedailybeast.com/car-crash-at-washington-dc-restaurant-parthenon-leaves-five-in-critical-condition
Remember this awful incident? Disable the car, ffs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give back keys. And use therapeutic lying to keep the fights to a minimum. Use a multi layered approach.

If they have a battery, remove or flip over battery so they don’t work anymore. So she’ll have her precious keys (which now have become a symbol that everything is okay)

And disable the car by disconnecting the battery or draining it and also pulling a fuse. So if she figures out how to get the keys to work, the car still won’t start. Then place a note by the battery or fuse box letting anyone trying to fix the car why it’s been disabled.

If she figures out the car is “broken”, have it towed away. Tell her it’s at the garage to be fixed. Then keep telling her the part is on back order (supply chain issues). Then keep telling her that until she stops asking.

At no point should you be the one telling her that she needs to stop driving. The doctor can, the dmv can, insurance can, but you must appear to her to be on her side.

Great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give back keys. And use therapeutic lying to keep the fights to a minimum. Use a multi layered approach.

If they have a battery, remove or flip over battery so they don’t work anymore. So she’ll have her precious keys (which now have become a symbol that everything is okay)

And disable the car by disconnecting the battery or draining it and also pulling a fuse. So if she figures out how to get the keys to work, the car still won’t start. Then place a note by the battery or fuse box letting anyone trying to fix the car why it’s been disabled.

If she figures out the car is “broken”, have it towed away. Tell her it’s at the garage to be fixed. Then keep telling her the part is on back order (supply chain issues). Then keep telling her that until she stops asking.

At no point should you be the one telling her that she needs to stop driving. The doctor can, the dmv can, insurance can, but you must appear to her to be on her side.

She has AAA and would call them if any issue. Not that simple, unfortunately.

Doctors have discussed concerns but none have stepped up to engage DMV.

How would insurance be engaged if there has been no accident?

Great advice.

[Anonymous]

She has AAA and would call them if any issue at all, so not that easy.

Multiple doctors have spoken about not driving but none have stepped up to engage DMV, unfortunately.

How does one engage insurance if there has not been an accident?

[Anonymous]

It took my moms few months to finally come to terms with her own limitations. But no longer driving is SUCH a huge emotional issue for them and it’s a lot. It’s the end of their independence and they lose some control. And it’s scary to have to rely on others for groceries and other necessities.

With my mom the biggest issue was the liability. I was very clear that if she caused an accident she could lose everything and the nest egg she had saved up that was paying for her independent living place would be at risk.

She actually flat out refused to return to a neurologist who told her that he was legally obligated to notify the state if she underwent testing through him. It took over two years to convince her to allow me to take her back (to a different neurologist) for cognitive decline.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a teen or young adult child (or niece/nephew) that really NEEDS a car for their new school/internship/job?

Can your mom be a HERO to this young person that really needs it, and let them "borrow" her car (indefinitely?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a teen or young adult child (or niece/nephew) that really NEEDS a car for their new school/internship/job?

Can your mom be a HERO to this young person that really needs it, and let them "borrow" her car (indefinitely?)

This is a good idea and we've tried it. She seemed to go for it then did a 180. It's sad and frustrating. She is not driving at present, we have the keys, but that isn't the best strategy either.

I get that it is hard for her but this chaos is hard for everyone else too. It seems like it would be better if it is her decision rather than reaching out to doctors and DMV (which may not work, anyway) but she really is leaving us with kind of ugly choices.

She is facing a new health issue and anxiety > more control > starting talk @ driving again, "just to the store, hairdresser, etc." But, most accidents happen close to home. I hope the vision doc will step up at an upcoming check. Best to all grappling with these issues. The legal limitations are real, as are the risks. Ugh.