Elderly and Driving

[Anonymous]

Elderly parent had agreed to stop driving and to allow sale of car. Title could not be found. In the meantime, while a replacement title is being ordered, she has done a 180 and is demanding the return of keys. Anyone BTDT and have tips? Her vision is not great and I do not believe her license will be renewed when it expires in late spring but in the meantime any suggestions?
She has access to a HHA who drives, ride shares, etc. so it is not the need per se but the loss of independence, maybe that is the driver.

She is claiming she will not "drive" but needs to be able to "move" the car "in an emergency" and other pretexts.

I will try to get her in for a vision check asap and have no intention of returning keys but hope sibs do not cave. She has also said a neighbor could take her to buy a new car. The neighbors were eager for her to stop driving, but, one could give in there too.

[Anonymous]

Disable the car in another way
Notify DMV of her incapacity

[Anonymous]

There's a simple answer OP - don't cave and make sure your siblings don't either. Either you all have some backbone or you're knowingly risking your mother's life and the lives of innocent bystanders. I know how hard this is - we had to take the keys from my dad and he hated it. Tbh I felt conflicted. But the transition has to happen at some point and if you waffle now, it will only be harder.

[Anonymous]

What’s the age of the parent? What are the reasons for taking the license and freedom? My dad stopped driving at 76 after noticing his reaction time while driving and reflexes seemed slower. Meanwhile my 88 year old father in law and 78 year old MIL who live outside of the country are both still driving like bosses. Great vision and good driving, passing driving tests etc….. and although I think they shouldn’t be driving the loss of freedom and independence would definitely kill them, so not my business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s the age of the parent? What are the reasons for taking the license and freedom? My dad stopped driving at 76 after noticing his reaction time while driving and reflexes seemed slower. Meanwhile my 88 year old father in law and 78 year old MIL who live outside of the country are both still driving like bosses. Great vision and good driving, passing driving tests etc….. and although I think they shouldn’t be driving the loss of freedom and independence would definitely kill them, so not my business.

Did you even read the OP?

[Anonymous]

OP: In my presence, a doctor said no more driving due to strength and reaction time. That was independent of vision issues.

I have no intention of caving because it will just make it worse. Since license is expiring in a few months, time limited in a sense but months could feel like years and a lot of harm is being done to relationships. She had always "planned to stop" driving then anyway as did not think license would be renewed at age w/declining vision. So qw thought she had been coming to terms with it but the reality seems to be hitting hard.

The raging is so unfortunate.

I'm reaching out to a safe driver program LE has in that area and will also see if the doctor documented those statements in the treatment note. She is on a waiting list re: an eye exam. We may just have to wait this out a bit until license expires in a few months.

Any tips or experiences welcome. It sad that this time is so full of conflict and upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: In my presence, a doctor said no more driving due to strength and reaction time. That was independent of vision issues.

I have no intention of caving because it will just make it worse. Since license is expiring in a few months, time limited in a sense but months could feel like years and a lot of harm is being done to relationships. She had always "planned to stop" driving then anyway as did not think license would be renewed at age w/declining vision. So qw thought she had been coming to terms with it but the reality seems to be hitting hard.

The raging is so unfortunate.

I'm reaching out to a safe driver program LE has in that area and will also see if the doctor documented those statements in the treatment note. She is on a waiting list re: an eye exam. We may just have to wait this out a bit until license expires in a few months.

Any tips or experiences welcome. It sad that this time is so full of conflict and upset.

Write an email to your siblings that is polite and professional. Make sure you state what the doctor said and get confirmation you are all on the same team with this. Creating a paper trail is important. If one sibling does not respond, email again, then send a letter, then go certified if you don't get a response.

Contact the DMV as well. If siblings give her car keys call Adult Protect Services and let DMV know she is driving against directives of physician. You can try to see if the police can help as well.

[Anonymous]

Stand firm, OP. My mom would not shut up about being told by me and her doctor that she was no longer safe to drive. It went on about 5 years where I had to listen to her complaints. During that time, she could barely walk, had falls, progressive dementia, etc.

[Anonymous]

Contact DMV. They should be able to send a letter saying she needs formal physician approval to continue driving. It sounds like her physician is already on board, but I would contact them ahead of time to let them know what to expect. Then, attend the appointment with her.

[Anonymous]

We had the doctor tell my FIL he could no longer drive. He tried once and I told him that since a doctor had told him he could not drive, he was risking a major lawsuit if he had any kind of accident. Even if he were not at fault. That scared him enough to get him to stop. We can’t take the car because my MIL is still very much able to drive.

It was quite the process, OP. He fought us on this for months. I’m sorry you are going through it. It’s so hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stand firm, OP. My mom would not shut up about being told by me and her doctor that she was no longer safe to drive. It went on about 5 years where I had to listen to her complaints. During that time, she could barely walk, had falls, progressive dementia, etc.

Remember what you've written here, and be sure to shut up when you're elderly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stand firm, OP. My mom would not shut up about being told by me and her doctor that she was no longer safe to drive. It went on about 5 years where I had to listen to her complaints. During that time, she could barely walk, had falls, progressive dementia, etc.

Remember what you've written here, and be sure to shut up when you're elderly.

NP. Plenty of elders don't take out their aging on others. I do hope to remember that example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: In my presence, a doctor said no more driving due to strength and reaction time. That was independent of vision issues.

I have no intention of caving because it will just make it worse. Since license is expiring in a few months, time limited in a sense but months could feel like years and a lot of harm is being done to relationships. She had always "planned to stop" driving then anyway as did not think license would be renewed at age w/declining vision. So qw thought she had been coming to terms with it but the reality seems to be hitting hard.

The raging is so unfortunate.

I'm reaching out to a safe driver program LE has in that area and will also see if the doctor documented those statements in the treatment note. She is on a waiting list re: an eye exam. We may just have to wait this out a bit until license expires in a few months.

Any tips or experiences welcome. It sad that this time is so full of conflict and upset.

get the doctor to notify DMV ASAP

[Anonymous]

I talked and talked and talked to my elder Dad about not driving. My Brother said not to worry. He'd just take care of it. Disconnect their car battery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stand firm, OP. My mom would not shut up about being told by me and her doctor that she was no longer safe to drive. It went on about 5 years where I had to listen to her complaints. During that time, she could barely walk, had falls, progressive dementia, etc.

Remember what you've written here, and be sure to shut up when you're elderly.

NP. Plenty of elders don't take out their aging on others. I do hope to remember that example.

I agree. My parents were never difficult. Nevertheless, the words "would not shut up" don't come from someone with a patient, caring approach.