Family criticizing parenting and my DC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family (parents and sibling) openly have criticized my parenting. It came to a head awhile back when my DC had some moments of very mild misbehavior, but still age appropriate and they were corrected in the moment. I’ve been told that I’m too lax as a parent and don’t discipline DC. Without going into all of the details, I’d say on a scale of 1-10 (10 being awful), the behavior was like a 2. My parents raised me in a very authoritarian way, my sibling is raising their kids similarly. I don’t parent that way, but I wouldn’t go as far to say I’m gentle parenting. There are consequences for poor behavior, but we do talk through feelings and I try hard to not raise my voice and when I do, I apologize. (My parents were big yellers and I hated it.)

That criticism has slowly morphed into criticizing a lot of DC’s behavior… little jabs in front of them, more blatant complaints to just me. Again, absolutely nothing is egregious on DC’s end. I’m on edge when we are altogether. Also I’m finding I am now more apt to jump on DC for smaller missteps.

DC is very involved in an extracurricular activity and we spend many hours a week at this activity, so I’ve gotten to know DC’s peers’ moms well. I don’t think I realized how much my family’s view of DC has colored my view of DC until spending time with the others moms. They mention often how well behaved DC is and complement their behavior and maturity. I always deflect kind of like “haha, are we talking about MY kid?!” Also I have very high expectations on how DC behaves at this activity.

One of the moms actually gently called me out on it recently and it’s stuck with me. She reiterated what a good kid DC is and suggested I may be a bit hard on DC. Another mom nodded in agreement. It was validating to hear that not everyone views my child and some poorly behaved kid, but I was kind of taken aback. DC always gets good feedback at school, but the insinuations from my family were that it was more in social settings where DC had the issue.

I’m kind of ashamed I’ve let my family’s thoughts affect my perspective. Trying to figure out how best to set boundaries with my family moving forward?

What was your kid doing and how old?

Op, this information is important.

Op here. Anywhere from 3-6 years old have been the ages they've specifically referenced. Typical little kid tantrums at the younger ages, some of which I felt were a direct issue of skipping a nap because my family refused to schedule get togethers around napped and DC napped till 4.5. At the older ages, a few of mildly rude comments (saying "I don't want to do that" when told to do something, saying they didn't like a food that was served, not being a good sport at a game that was being played). Again, nothing super crazy in my opinion and was corrected in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's not nearly enough information for anyone to know what's really going on. I know my kids don't necessarily act at home or with their grandparents the way they act at school or in activities. I see far more misbehavior at home where they are comfortable to let it all hang out. So I'm not sure the soccer moms or whoever they are really know your kid that well. But if you feel you're in the right then stop exposing your kid to your parents and see them less.

Op here, totally get that. However, I do feel like these moms know DC well. We spend a LOT of time together... long days and nights. DC has not been perfect either. They, like other kids there, have had their meltdown moments due to tiredness or struggling with a new skill. All age appropriate things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family (parents and sibling) openly have criticized my parenting. It came to a head awhile back when my DC had some moments of very mild misbehavior, but still age appropriate and they were corrected in the moment. I’ve been told that I’m too lax as a parent and don’t discipline DC. Without going into all of the details, I’d say on a scale of 1-10 (10 being awful), the behavior was like a 2. My parents raised me in a very authoritarian way, my sibling is raising their kids similarly. I don’t parent that way, but I wouldn’t go as far to say I’m gentle parenting. There are consequences for poor behavior, but we do talk through feelings and I try hard to not raise my voice and when I do, I apologize. (My parents were big yellers and I hated it.)

That criticism has slowly morphed into criticizing a lot of DC’s behavior… little jabs in front of them, more blatant complaints to just me. Again, absolutely nothing is egregious on DC’s end. I’m on edge when we are altogether. Also I’m finding I am now more apt to jump on DC for smaller missteps.

DC is very involved in an extracurricular activity and we spend many hours a week at this activity, so I’ve gotten to know DC’s peers’ moms well. I don’t think I realized how much my family’s view of DC has colored my view of DC until spending time with the others moms. They mention often how well behaved DC is and complement their behavior and maturity. I always deflect kind of like “haha, are we talking about MY kid?!” Also I have very high expectations on how DC behaves at this activity.

One of the moms actually gently called me out on it recently and it’s stuck with me. She reiterated what a good kid DC is and suggested I may be a bit hard on DC. Another mom nodded in agreement. It was validating to hear that not everyone views my child and some poorly behaved kid, but I was kind of taken aback. DC always gets good feedback at school, but the insinuations from my family were that it was more in social settings where DC had the issue.

I’m kind of ashamed I’ve let my family’s thoughts affect my perspective. Trying to figure out how best to set boundaries with my family moving forward?

What was your kid doing and how old?

Op, this information is important.

Op here. Anywhere from 3-6 years old have been the ages they've specifically referenced. Typical little kid tantrums at the younger ages, some of which I felt were a direct issue of skipping a nap because my family refused to schedule get togethers around napped and DC napped till 4.5. At the older ages, a few of mildly rude comments (saying "I don't want to do that" when told to do something, saying they didn't like a food that was served, not being a good sport at a game that was being played). Again, nothing super crazy in my opinion and was corrected in the moment.

Sorry should say 3-8 years old. DC is now 8. But in some of the conversations they've mentioned "this has been an issue for a long time" and referenced incidents as far back as age 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's not nearly enough information for anyone to know what's really going on. I know my kids don't necessarily act at home or with their grandparents the way they act at school or in activities. I see far more misbehavior at home where they are comfortable to let it all hang out. So I'm not sure the soccer moms or whoever they are really know your kid that well. But if you feel you're in the right then stop exposing your kid to your parents and see them less.

Op here, totally get that. However, I do feel like these moms know DC well. We spend a LOT of time together... long days and nights. DC has not been perfect either. They, like other kids there, have had their meltdown moments due to tiredness or struggling with a new skill. All age appropriate things.

I see that you have your mind made up, but my kids have never acted out of the house the way they act in it. Mostly the issues at home are around sibling bickering which never happens at their activities b/c the siblings aren't there. You don't mention if there are any siblings. But not sure what you're looking for here. You reached some sort of realization. So, do what you have to do.

[Anonymous]

See them less frequently, for shorter time periods, and never leave your kid with them. If they say anything, you point out that they are constantly criticizing your kid's behavior, so they must not enjoy spending time with them. Don't argue, don't back down. If they get worse in response, you stop making your kid spend any time with them at all.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know the pain. That's why DC has not visited my parents and siblings in 3 years. I forbade it. Our relationship is limited to monthly phone calls during which I never share info about DC. Every little thing DC did would end up being criticized, from the clothes they wore to how they spoke to what activities they were doing after school.

[Anonymous]

When other moms say you are too hard on your kid, you should listen — which you are doing.

It is impossible to give practical advice because we don’t know if you live in the same town with these people and see them weekly. Or if you fly to see them four times a year for a week at a time. If you want practical advice, you need to provide more specifics.

More generally, you need to go very low contact with these people. And you need to stick up for your kid in front of your kid when they say nasty stuff and the kid is there.