Family criticizing parenting and my DC

[Anonymous]

My family (parents and sibling) openly have criticized my parenting. It came to a head awhile back when my DC had some moments of very mild misbehavior, but still age appropriate and they were corrected in the moment. I’ve been told that I’m too lax as a parent and don’t discipline DC. Without going into all of the details, I’d say on a scale of 1-10 (10 being awful), the behavior was like a 2. My parents raised me in a very authoritarian way, my sibling is raising their kids similarly. I don’t parent that way, but I wouldn’t go as far to say I’m gentle parenting. There are consequences for poor behavior, but we do talk through feelings and I try hard to not raise my voice and when I do, I apologize. (My parents were big yellers and I hated it.)

That criticism has slowly morphed into criticizing a lot of DC’s behavior… little jabs in front of them, more blatant complaints to just me. Again, absolutely nothing is egregious on DC’s end. I’m on edge when we are altogether. Also I’m finding I am now more apt to jump on DC for smaller missteps.

DC is very involved in an extracurricular activity and we spend many hours a week at this activity, so I’ve gotten to know DC’s peers’ moms well. I don’t think I realized how much my family’s view of DC has colored my view of DC until spending time with the others moms. They mention often how well behaved DC is and complement their behavior and maturity. I always deflect kind of like “haha, are we talking about MY kid?!” Also I have very high expectations on how DC behaves at this activity.

One of the moms actually gently called me out on it recently and it’s stuck with me. She reiterated what a good kid DC is and suggested I may be a bit hard on DC. Another mom nodded in agreement. It was validating to hear that not everyone views my child and some poorly behaved kid, but I was kind of taken aback. DC always gets good feedback at school, but the insinuations from my family were that it was more in social settings where DC had the issue.

I’m kind of ashamed I’ve let my family’s thoughts affect my perspective. Trying to figure out how best to set boundaries with my family moving forward?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family (parents and sibling) openly have criticized my parenting. It came to a head awhile back when my DC had some moments of very mild misbehavior, but still age appropriate and they were corrected in the moment. I’ve been told that I’m too lax as a parent and don’t discipline DC. Without going into all of the details, I’d say on a scale of 1-10 (10 being awful), the behavior was like a 2. My parents raised me in a very authoritarian way, my sibling is raising their kids similarly. I don’t parent that way, but I wouldn’t go as far to say I’m gentle parenting. There are consequences for poor behavior, but we do talk through feelings and I try hard to not raise my voice and when I do, I apologize. (My parents were big yellers and I hated it.)

That criticism has slowly morphed into criticizing a lot of DC’s behavior… little jabs in front of them, more blatant complaints to just me. Again, absolutely nothing is egregious on DC’s end. I’m on edge when we are altogether. Also I’m finding I am now more apt to jump on DC for smaller missteps.

DC is very involved in an extracurricular activity and we spend many hours a week at this activity, so I’ve gotten to know DC’s peers’ moms well. I don’t think I realized how much my family’s view of DC has colored my view of DC until spending time with the others moms. They mention often how well behaved DC is and complement their behavior and maturity. I always deflect kind of like “haha, are we talking about MY kid?!” Also I have very high expectations on how DC behaves at this activity.

One of the moms actually gently called me out on it recently and it’s stuck with me. She reiterated what a good kid DC is and suggested I may be a bit hard on DC. Another mom nodded in agreement. It was validating to hear that not everyone views my child and some poorly behaved kid, but I was kind of taken aback. DC always gets good feedback at school, but the insinuations from my family were that it was more in social settings where DC had the issue.

I’m kind of ashamed I’ve let my family’s thoughts affect my perspective. Trying to figure out how best to set boundaries with my family moving forward?

What’s your hunch, OP?

[Anonymous]

Spend less time with them. Get together with them LESS often, for SHORTER amounts of time. A weekend instead of a week, twice a year instead of four times a year. That sort of thing.

If they say something about it you can say "Well it seems like you don't enjoy spending time with Veronica/Victor since you criticize his/her behavior so much, despite the fact that s/he is one of the best behaved kids at soccer, per the other parents. So I figured we should spend less time with you so you didn't have to be around his/her behavior that you don't enjoy."

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP! I know how you feel. A hard part of being an adult is taking a different path from our family - taking ownership for how we parent our children, live our lives, etc.
Sounds like your dc is doing great with the parenting style you’re using - carry on & ignore any family feedback/input. You can decrease your family visits if you need to for your sanity (& so your dc isn’t needlessly criticized), but I think the biggest thing is changing your mindset. Your family does it their way. You do it your way - & you know what is best for dc. The end. Be 100% comfortable in this place/mindset. Not saying their way is wrong or anything, but you know what is working for your family, so good job!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP! I know how you feel. A hard part of being an adult is taking a different path from our family - taking ownership for how we parent our children, live our lives, etc.
Sounds like your dc is doing great with the parenting style you’re using - carry on & ignore any family feedback/input. You can decrease your family visits if you need to for your sanity (& so your dc isn’t needlessly criticized), but I think the biggest thing is changing your mindset. Your family does it their way. You do it your way - & you know what is best for dc. The end. Be 100% comfortable in this place/mindset. Not saying their way is wrong or anything, but you know what is working for your family, so good job!

OP here. My mom is a narcissist, so it’s all about how it’s affected her and she just lovessssss to point out flaws in everyone else. Some of her issues with DC are that they said parents house was scary while spending the night and she took offense to that. That’s some of the level of what we are dealing with here.

[Anonymous]

Get therapy because you need to cut these people out. Not only are they horrible to your daughter, but they've caused you to treat her so unfairly that other moms called you out on it. This isn't fair to your kid and you're going to cause her a life time of issues if you don't start putting her first.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth would you still subject your daughter to this?!? Be a better parent

[Anonymous]

You have an opportunity to end the generational abuse. Your birth family criticizes you and your kid, you have been worked on having a better parenting style, and it sounds like you're reverting to parenting the way you were treated as a child.

Why do you continue to expose yourself and your child to these people? Do they bring anything positive into your lives?

Please get therapy, OP, for your own sake as well as your child's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you still subject your daughter to this?!? Be a better parent

Yes. I would never leave my kids in the care of my narc family member. I went low contact and it is glorious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have an opportunity to end the generational abuse. Your birth family criticizes you and your kid, you have been worked on having a better parenting style, and it sounds like you're reverting to parenting the way you were treated as a child.

Why do you continue to expose yourself and your child to these people? Do they bring anything positive into your lives?

Please get therapy, OP, for your own sake as well as your child's.

OP here. I am in therapy, this was just something I realized I was unintentionally doing. It will be a point of conversation at therapy for sure, but I really struggle (obviously) with setting and holding to boundaries. Was hoping for some advice from those that have BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family (parents and sibling) openly have criticized my parenting. It came to a head awhile back when my DC had some moments of very mild misbehavior, but still age appropriate and they were corrected in the moment. I’ve been told that I’m too lax as a parent and don’t discipline DC. Without going into all of the details, I’d say on a scale of 1-10 (10 being awful), the behavior was like a 2. My parents raised me in a very authoritarian way, my sibling is raising their kids similarly. I don’t parent that way, but I wouldn’t go as far to say I’m gentle parenting. There are consequences for poor behavior, but we do talk through feelings and I try hard to not raise my voice and when I do, I apologize. (My parents were big yellers and I hated it.)

That criticism has slowly morphed into criticizing a lot of DC’s behavior… little jabs in front of them, more blatant complaints to just me. Again, absolutely nothing is egregious on DC’s end. I’m on edge when we are altogether. Also I’m finding I am now more apt to jump on DC for smaller missteps.

DC is very involved in an extracurricular activity and we spend many hours a week at this activity, so I’ve gotten to know DC’s peers’ moms well. I don’t think I realized how much my family’s view of DC has colored my view of DC until spending time with the others moms. They mention often how well behaved DC is and complement their behavior and maturity. I always deflect kind of like “haha, are we talking about MY kid?!” Also I have very high expectations on how DC behaves at this activity.

One of the moms actually gently called me out on it recently and it’s stuck with me. She reiterated what a good kid DC is and suggested I may be a bit hard on DC. Another mom nodded in agreement. It was validating to hear that not everyone views my child and some poorly behaved kid, but I was kind of taken aback. DC always gets good feedback at school, but the insinuations from my family were that it was more in social settings where DC had the issue.

I’m kind of ashamed I’ve let my family’s thoughts affect my perspective. Trying to figure out how best to set boundaries with my family moving forward?

What was your kid doing and how old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family (parents and sibling) openly have criticized my parenting. It came to a head awhile back when my DC had some moments of very mild misbehavior, but still age appropriate and they were corrected in the moment. I’ve been told that I’m too lax as a parent and don’t discipline DC. Without going into all of the details, I’d say on a scale of 1-10 (10 being awful), the behavior was like a 2. My parents raised me in a very authoritarian way, my sibling is raising their kids similarly. I don’t parent that way, but I wouldn’t go as far to say I’m gentle parenting. There are consequences for poor behavior, but we do talk through feelings and I try hard to not raise my voice and when I do, I apologize. (My parents were big yellers and I hated it.)

That criticism has slowly morphed into criticizing a lot of DC’s behavior… little jabs in front of them, more blatant complaints to just me. Again, absolutely nothing is egregious on DC’s end. I’m on edge when we are altogether. Also I’m finding I am now more apt to jump on DC for smaller missteps.

DC is very involved in an extracurricular activity and we spend many hours a week at this activity, so I’ve gotten to know DC’s peers’ moms well. I don’t think I realized how much my family’s view of DC has colored my view of DC until spending time with the others moms. They mention often how well behaved DC is and complement their behavior and maturity. I always deflect kind of like “haha, are we talking about MY kid?!” Also I have very high expectations on how DC behaves at this activity.

One of the moms actually gently called me out on it recently and it’s stuck with me. She reiterated what a good kid DC is and suggested I may be a bit hard on DC. Another mom nodded in agreement. It was validating to hear that not everyone views my child and some poorly behaved kid, but I was kind of taken aback. DC always gets good feedback at school, but the insinuations from my family were that it was more in social settings where DC had the issue.

I’m kind of ashamed I’ve let my family’s thoughts affect my perspective. Trying to figure out how best to set boundaries with my family moving forward?

What was your kid doing and how old?

Op, this information is important.

[Anonymous]

There's not nearly enough information for anyone to know what's really going on. I know my kids don't necessarily act at home or with their grandparents the way they act at school or in activities. I see far more misbehavior at home where they are comfortable to let it all hang out. So I'm not sure the soccer moms or whoever they are really know your kid that well. But if you feel you're in the right then stop exposing your kid to your parents and see them less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family (parents and sibling) openly have criticized my parenting. It came to a head awhile back when my DC had some moments of very mild misbehavior, but still age appropriate and they were corrected in the moment. I’ve been told that I’m too lax as a parent and don’t discipline DC. Without going into all of the details, I’d say on a scale of 1-10 (10 being awful), the behavior was like a 2. My parents raised me in a very authoritarian way, my sibling is raising their kids similarly. I don’t parent that way, but I wouldn’t go as far to say I’m gentle parenting. There are consequences for poor behavior, but we do talk through feelings and I try hard to not raise my voice and when I do, I apologize. (My parents were big yellers and I hated it.)

That criticism has slowly morphed into criticizing a lot of DC’s behavior… little jabs in front of them, more blatant complaints to just me. Again, absolutely nothing is egregious on DC’s end. I’m on edge when we are altogether. Also I’m finding I am now more apt to jump on DC for smaller missteps.

DC is very involved in an extracurricular activity and we spend many hours a week at this activity, so I’ve gotten to know DC’s peers’ moms well. I don’t think I realized how much my family’s view of DC has colored my view of DC until spending time with the others moms. They mention often how well behaved DC is and complement their behavior and maturity. I always deflect kind of like “haha, are we talking about MY kid?!” Also I have very high expectations on how DC behaves at this activity.

One of the moms actually gently called me out on it recently and it’s stuck with me. She reiterated what a good kid DC is and suggested I may be a bit hard on DC. Another mom nodded in agreement. It was validating to hear that not everyone views my child and some poorly behaved kid, but I was kind of taken aback. DC always gets good feedback at school, but the insinuations from my family were that it was more in social settings where DC had the issue.

I’m kind of ashamed I’ve let my family’s thoughts affect my perspective. Trying to figure out how best to set boundaries with my family moving forward?

What was your kid doing and how old?

Op, this information is important.

Crap, posted to soon.

Op, I learned the hard way. Don't let this go on. Short visits and never without you. Your family’s behavior will not change, so you need to change your reaction. When their behavior is getting to be too much younger to leave.

My cousin moved half way across the world, and will not have kids because of her own mother. That's her way of breaking the cycle.

[Anonymous]

For this and many other reasons, OP, my family and I live on opposite sides of the Atlantic. We still see love and visit each other, but let's just say that 2 weeks of togetherness a year is about as much as I can take.

Distance, low-contact communication, are your friend. You can also be very clear that you disapprove of their damaging parenting style and that you are proud of doing something else. Tell them their faces and neatly reverse all the disappointment and scorn.