Vent post that it is always my fault when kids misbehave

[Anonymous]

Here's a trick I learned from my SIL - bring crayons, sticker books, highlights magazine, any activity books to sit down meals, especially in restaurants.

Look, I have two kids. They wiggled, needed to be busy, had energy to burn at sit down meals and when visiting childless households. Years later, they scored amazingly well and landed in SHSAT high schools. They are leaders on their debate teams. You have normal kids, you just need to help them be prepared for these excruciating visits with family because for a kid they are exceedingly boring.

[Anonymous]

It is difficult to hear criticism about your kids, but no need to tear down another kid and her parents' parenting style as part of your defense.

It is difficult to know if your husband was actually yelling at you (uncalled for) or your interpretation (kind of like when my kids say they were yelled at when in fact someone told them something they didn't want to hear.)

Take a beat and then try to look at this honestly. Maybe you and your kids would benefit from having better manners in social situations - being able to sit at a dinner table without a screen, etc. Its something that can be worked on.

[Anonymous]

This has nothing to do with the other kids.

Work this out with your DH. You said for yourself that you have laid back parenting. Clearly DH is not ok with the impact and results of this. Are you? Figure out what will work for both of you. There are a world of options between laid back parenting and strict parenting.

[Anonymous]

You should point out to your husband that he is 50% responsible for your kids behavior.

Boys and girls are different. Boys also tend to be immature. I'm sure your kids are fine. My oldest can sit for an hour plus no problem. My youngest can't sit still for more than 30 seconds.

[Anonymous]

It’s not 1 vs 2, it’s just your parenting styles are different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only child from BIL/SIL is well behaved, can sit silently for 1+ hr at mealtime, eat healthy & have all great interests (read books and play broad games). The big reason that she is used to be bored, bored to be the only child and bored with no summer camps/classes while both parents WFH. She is introvert, quiet and seems cannot make decision on her own. I have asked her what she likes, she just looks at her mom, and let her mom answers for her. They do strict parenting.

My 2 kids are not well behaved, cannot sit still for 1+ hr at mealtime (wiggle, talk and leave seats), picky eaters and just want to play and busy. They are used to be busy and not bored by activities (summer camps, weekend class or screentime). When they are together, they can't be quiet and more less behaved. They are extrovert, funny and talkative. I am exhausted with 2 kids, so I do laid back parenting.

MIL/FIL did not say anything, but BIL commented that my kids were out of control. DH is mad of 2 kids' behaviors, and I got yelled at once we were home for my parenting. He said what our niece did so well at everything (behavior, hobbies, diet and such and such) compared to what our son did, and my boy is 6 months older. He is 7, and niece is 6.5. My another kid is 3.5. I had a screwed up new year eve & new year because of this. DH says niece is so well behaved and going to be successful. Our son is going to be a failure, and he should remember that thank you to his family gene, our boy has asd/adhd even though he is gifted. Niece is a normal kid. Even though niece is also a smart girl, my son's personality is more social/ charming and has board interests at everything. She is more controlled by her parents over her diet, interests and etc.

I just want to vent that I hate it whenever we meet for family event, and it made me feel suck up due to all those comments and etc. I take my kids to all activities for the past few years for swimming/gym/soccer/chess club etc, and he did not even come once because he says that he does not care much about those. He blame me whenever our kids misbehave. I am not SAHM, and I earn as much as him. I hate it at every single family event for those negative comments. Don't people know the fact that it is easier to manage one kid than two kids!

Were they? it sounds like it. So you have a problem. Actually, two. Your husband and then JOINT parenting of the kids.

[Anonymous]

What is your actual point? Not being sarcastic, but you spent so much time bashing other children, is there a question in here? Do you want to know how to make your kids more well behaved? Are you just salty because someone called out your kids perhaps poor behavior? I’m having a hard time following…

[Anonymous]

A couple of things to consider

- boredom isn't always a bad thing it can often give kids opportunities to create their own fun and learn how to entertain themselves. With my older child I constantly played with her and interacted with her and as a result she never really learned independent play. Her brother was born during the pandemic and definitely learned the art of independent play.

- My kid is highly energetic and a picky eater but I still made good table manners at restaurants one of my hills to die on. We tend to bring activities to do at meals or we play hangman/tick tack toe. We also have routines about going for a little walks outside the restaurant. Another thing that's worked well in our favor is that we have one of our favorite restaurants that we go to often and my husband and I are friends with the wait staff and they dote in our kids.

- You and your husband need to get on the same page as far as how you're going to approach behavioral issues. If you have to I would consider family therapy. He is your parebtung partner. It's not a healthy dynamic for you guys to be resenting each other and blaming each other.

-

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple of things to consider

- boredom isn't always a bad thing it can often give kids opportunities to create their own fun and learn how to entertain themselves. With my older child I constantly played with her and interacted with her and as a result she never really learned independent play. Her brother was born during the pandemic and definitely learned the art of independent play.

- My kid is highly energetic and a picky eater but I still made good table manners at restaurants one of my hills to die on. We tend to bring activities to do at meals or we play hangman/tick tack toe. We also have routines about going for a little walks outside the restaurant. Another thing that's worked well in our favor is that we have one of our favorite restaurants that we go to often and my husband and I are friends with the wait staff and they dote in our kids.

- You and your husband need to get on the same page as far as how you're going to approach behavioral issues. If you have to I would consider family therapy. He is your parebtung partner. It's not a healthy dynamic for you guys to be resenting each other and blaming each other.

-

These are all good points.

OP - I fear the responses you are getting here may turn you off a little further as criticism can be difficult to hear, but if you can take a step back there are some good ideasin this thread.

The bottom line is if your knee jerk reaction to negative comments about your kids is to bash others, you are going to have a tough road. Even well behaved kids will eventually mess up and it is important to try and have an objective eye about things your kids may do.

[Anonymous]

This is such an obvious troll post that I can’t believe people are falling for it. This OP constantly writes long, meandering, ESL-type posts about “her” martyrdom.

[Anonymous]

I really don’t see where op is bashing the girl. If anything she said her kids aren’t well behaved.

If you want your kids to behave better, you have to work on that op.

You need to have a good talk with your husband. You have a lot of long years ahead of you. No telling now who’s going to be the the winner, but if your husband has specific concerns he needs to tackle them directly and kindly. Your kids are not in competition with their cousin.

[Anonymous]

Reading these responses is making me angry and I just have to chime in.

OP mentions that her 6year old son has ADHD/ASD. That is a really hard combo. No amount of good parenting is going to make an ASD/ADHD child sit still and behave for an hour long dinner. It would be like trying to teach a blind person to see by just telling them to just "look harder." It's beyond their capability. Period. The solution is to not put them in situations where they are set up to fail. It sucks when families are unsupportive and don't understand, but it happens often.

And OP: you are a saint and amazing mother for taking your kids to activities. Just schlepping two kids around to all these activities when one of them has these conditions, by yourself, when your DH doesn't want to be bothered, is exhausting in itself.

To those of you telling her to teach her kids manners... shame on you. I can assure you, she is, or is at least trying (see post about trying to teach a blind person to see). As a fellow special needs mom, I can tell you that having a disability like ADHD, or being on the spectrum, is something for which it's still okay to be shamed. It's also very, very difficult to be a parent to a kid like this. You people are just ignorant and smug. As a special needs mom, you know there is a line that can't be crossed... for example, you can't let your kid hit another kid. But not sitting still at the table? I think you'd give the OP a little more leeway here.

OP: I'd suggest posting your story on the special needs board. There you will find compassion and advice that your are not getting from some of these ignorant a**hole responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only child from BIL/SIL is well behaved, can sit silently for 1+ hr at mealtime, eat healthy & have all great interests (read books and play broad games). The big reason that she is used to be bored, bored to be the only child and bored with no summer camps/classes while both parents WFH. She is introvert, quiet and seems cannot make decision on her own. I have asked her what she likes, she just looks at her mom, and let her mom answers for her. They do strict parenting.

My 2 kids are not well behaved, cannot sit still for 1+ hr at mealtime (wiggle, talk and leave seats), picky eaters and just want to play and busy. They are used to be busy and not bored by activities (summer camps, weekend class or screentime). When they are together, they can't be quiet and more less behaved. They are extrovert, funny and talkative. I am exhausted with 2 kids, so I do laid back parenting.

MIL/FIL did not say anything, but BIL commented that my kids were out of control. DH is mad of 2 kids' behaviors, and I got yelled at once we were home for my parenting. He said what our niece did so well at everything (behavior, hobbies, diet and such and such) compared to what our son did, and my boy is 6 months older. He is 7, and niece is 6.5. My another kid is 3.5. I had a screwed up new year eve & new year because of this. DH says niece is so well behaved and going to be successful. Our son is going to be a failure, and he should remember that thank you to his family gene, our boy has asd/adhd even though he is gifted. Niece is a normal kid. Even though niece is also a smart girl, my son's personality is more social/ charming and has board interests at everything. She is more controlled by her parents over her diet, interests and etc.

I just want to vent that I hate it whenever we meet for family event, and it made me feel suck up due to all those comments and etc. I take my kids to all activities for the past few years for swimming/gym/soccer/chess club etc, and he did not even come once because he says that he does not care much about those. He blame me whenever our kids misbehave. I am not SAHM, and I earn as much as him. I hate it at every single family event for those negative comments. Don't people know the fact that it is easier to manage one kid than two kids!

"You can feel free to be more involved, take the kids, and do all the things that i do and you dont, DH. Because you're not going to swoop in and criticize me after the fact when I'm doing all the activities, school, etc. So, what sort of things do you want to help with?"

The first thing I tell people who don't want to help, but want to offer criticism, that next time they can do it and show me how to do it better. That shuts them up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading these responses is making me angry and I just have to chime in.

OP mentions that her 6year old son has ADHD/ASD. That is a really hard combo. No amount of good parenting is going to make an ASD/ADHD child sit still and behave for an hour long dinner. It would be like trying to teach a blind person to see by just telling them to just "look harder." It's beyond their capability. Period. The solution is to not put them in situations where they are set up to fail. It sucks when families are unsupportive and don't understand, but it happens often.

And OP: you are a saint and amazing mother for taking your kids to activities. Just schlepping two kids around to all these activities when one of them has these conditions, by yourself, when your DH doesn't want to be bothered, is exhausting in itself.

To those of you telling her to teach her kids manners... shame on you. I can assure you, she is, or is at least trying (see post about trying to teach a blind person to see). As a fellow special needs mom, I can tell you that having a disability like ADHD, or being on the spectrum, is something for which it's still okay to be shamed. It's also very, very difficult to be a parent to a kid like this. You people are just ignorant and smug. As a special needs mom, you know there is a line that can't be crossed... for example, you can't let your kid hit another kid. But not sitting still at the table? I think you'd give the OP a little more leeway here.

OP: I'd suggest posting your story on the special needs board. There you will find compassion and advice that your are not getting from some of these ignorant a**hole responses.

Agree. You people are a vicious bunch of hags. Shame on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading these responses is making me angry and I just have to chime in.

OP mentions that her 6year old son has ADHD/ASD. That is a really hard combo. No amount of good parenting is going to make an ASD/ADHD child sit still and behave for an hour long dinner. It would be like trying to teach a blind person to see by just telling them to just "look harder." It's beyond their capability. Period. The solution is to not put them in situations where they are set up to fail. It sucks when families are unsupportive and don't understand, but it happens often.

And OP: you are a saint and amazing mother for taking your kids to activities. Just schlepping two kids around to all these activities when one of them has these conditions, by yourself, when your DH doesn't want to be bothered, is exhausting in itself.

To those of you telling her to teach her kids manners... shame on you. I can assure you, she is, or is at least trying (see post about trying to teach a blind person to see). As a fellow special needs mom, I can tell you that having a disability like ADHD, or being on the spectrum, is something for which it's still okay to be shamed. It's also very, very difficult to be a parent to a kid like this. You people are just ignorant and smug. As a special needs mom, you know there is a line that can't be crossed... for example, you can't let your kid hit another kid. But not sitting still at the table? I think you'd give the OP a little more leeway here.

OP: I'd suggest posting your story on the special needs board. There you will find compassion and advice that your are not getting from some of these ignorant a**hole responses.

Agree. You people are a vicious bunch of hags. Shame on you.

Looks like you need to learn manners too.