Will a "hall pass" save our relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing is 100% certain: if you aren't having regular sex with him, he will (if not already) be going elsewhere to meet those needs. So granting him an official hall pass at least makes that easier for everybody, avoids the dishonesty of him just sneaking around.

to all then PP's who say "no don't do that" .... you are saying let their sexless marriage quickly crash/burn/divorce. How is THAT a better solution?

That’s you. That’s not all men. No matter how many times you post that it’s a universal truth, it just is not.

I’m the higher drive DW and it’s just simply 100% not true that our frequency predicts his infidelity risk. The only thing it measures is his stress level.

Sure but some 3-4 weeks mixed with some 0-1 weeks isn’t the same as some 0-4 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing is 100% certain: if you aren't having regular sex with him, he will (if not already) be going elsewhere to meet those needs. So granting him an official hall pass at least makes that easier for everybody, avoids the dishonesty of him just sneaking around.

to all then PP's who say "no don't do that" .... you are saying let their sexless marriage quickly crash/burn/divorce. How is THAT a better solution?

That’s you. That’s not all men. No matter how many times you post that it’s a universal truth, it just is not.

I’m the higher drive DW and it’s just simply 100% not true that our frequency predicts his infidelity risk. The only thing it measures is his stress level.

Sure but some 3-4 weeks mixed with some 0-1 weeks isn’t the same as some 0-4 years.

I’m talking once a month average our whole marriage. If that’s what you meant by “regular” then fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing is 100% certain: if you aren't having regular sex with him, he will (if not already) be going elsewhere to meet those needs. So granting him an official hall pass at least makes that easier for everybody, avoids the dishonesty of him just sneaking around.

to all then PP's who say "no don't do that" .... you are saying let their sexless marriage quickly crash/burn/divorce. How is THAT a better solution?

The bold isn't accurate. At least one PP says they need to communicate and talk seriously about WHY they're not feeling desire for each other and then work on that.

I'd also add they may need to get an objective third party like a marriage therapist to help them do this. Rarely is there merely a case of "everything else is fine, we just don't feel desire, so, hall pass/open marriage/whatever will fix it." There's more than just loss of desire going on--that usually has roots in SOME other factor but OP has not mentioned any others. Just because she doesn't mention it does not mean there's no other issue between them.

OP, if you are talking hall passes, what have you done before this to work on the marriage? Do you and he communicate frankly?

Also: It is VERY common, OP, for couples to hit rocky patches and for sex to drop off a cliff during child-rearing years especially with young children. You have FIVE kids which I think some PPs are not seeing in your post. Of course you are both preoccupied, busy, exhausted, stressed, going all over the place to take kids everywhere, etc. etc. Have you considered that the lack of desire might be pure exhaustion and stress from being parents, maybe both of you (?) working parents, with five children? Or did you both just say, eh, not interested -- let's try having sex with other people? Sex with others won't save the marriage if he, or you, comes home after a hall pass outing and the kids and spouse are...still there, day to day life is still the same. The marraige and family life are not solely about the sex, and providing no-strings sex will not fix larger issues.

By the way, if you're already juggling five kids and jobs, then finding other partners, finding time to see them, maybe dealing with the messiness of a "hall pass" partner wanting more of your DH...Are you really ready for all that? Work on the marriage first, wake up to the fact you're a couple with kids which can be a desire-killer temporarily, and get therapy if things are already so bad you are talking hall passes. By the way, the term "hall pass" usually means one time or with one particular person or both. He likely will want more people, or more sex with that one person. You get that--right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing is 100% certain: if you aren't having regular sex with him, he will (if not already) be going elsewhere to meet those needs. So granting him an official hall pass at least makes that easier for everybody, avoids the dishonesty of him just sneaking around.

to all then PP's who say "no don't do that" .... you are saying let their sexless marriage quickly crash/burn/divorce. How is THAT a better solution?

That’s you. That’s not all men. No matter how many times you post that it’s a universal truth, it just is not.

I’m the higher drive DW and it’s just simply 100% not true that our frequency predicts his infidelity risk. The only thing it measures is his stress level.

Yep. My husband’s poor coping mechanism to stressful life/job/his family issues was booze and strange V—just like he learned growing up. He learned to compartmentalize so well nobody could tell this was going on. I only noticed increased anger/criticalness at me and the kids during those times.

Our sex and his attraction to me was virtually unchanged the entire time it was goin on—3-4 times per week and we always had an adventurous sex.

A hall pass may make him decide he wants to re-live his college days. It might make him more prone to stepping out and he might decide he likes it better out there. Hall passes are stupid. Are you going to sit home with the kids while he’s out having fun with another woman? No way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing is 100% certain: if you aren't having regular sex with him, he will (if not already) be going elsewhere to meet those needs. So granting him an official hall pass at least makes that easier for everybody, avoids the dishonesty of him just sneaking around.

to all then PP's who say "no don't do that" .... you are saying let their sexless marriage quickly crash/burn/divorce. How is THAT a better solution?

The bold isn't accurate. At least one PP says they need to communicate and talk seriously about WHY they're not feeling desire for each other and then work on that.

I'd also add they may need to get an objective third party like a marriage therapist to help them do this. Rarely is there merely a case of "everything else is fine, we just don't feel desire, so, hall pass/open marriage/whatever will fix it." There's more than just loss of desire going on--that usually has roots in SOME other factor but OP has not mentioned any others. Just because she doesn't mention it does not mean there's no other issue between them.

OP, if you are talking hall passes, what have you done before this to work on the marriage? Do you and he communicate frankly?

Also: It is VERY common, OP, for couples to hit rocky patches and for sex to drop off a cliff during child-rearing years especially with young children. You have FIVE kids which I think some PPs are not seeing in your post. Of course you are both preoccupied, busy, exhausted, stressed, going all over the place to take kids everywhere, etc. etc. Have you considered that the lack of desire might be pure exhaustion and stress from being parents, maybe both of you (?) working parents, with five children? Or did you both just say, eh, not interested -- let's try having sex with other people? Sex with others won't save the marriage if he, or you, comes home after a hall pass outing and the kids and spouse are...still there, day to day life is still the same. The marraige and family life are not solely about the sex, and providing no-strings sex will not fix larger issues.

By the way, if you're already juggling five kids and jobs, then finding other partners, finding time to see them, maybe dealing with the messiness of a "hall pass" partner wanting more of your DH...Are you really ready for all that? Work on the marriage first, wake up to the fact you're a couple with kids which can be a desire-killer temporarily, and get therapy if things are already so bad you are talking hall passes. By the way, the term "hall pass" usually means one time or with one particular person or both. He likely will want more people, or more sex with that one person. You get that--right?

Amen. Lack of attraction/desire is often circumstantial at that stage of life. Know this to be true. Address it. It doesn’t mean attraction and desire won’t spark up again. All marriages have ups and downs, even the great ones.

Michelle Obama was just quoted in People Magazine saying she hated Barrack for 10 years. 10 years!!! And it was resentment from being the default parent and making more sacrifices.

[Anonymous]

Pat, I’ll take “That’s a no for a thousand please.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing is 100% certain: if you aren't having regular sex with him, he will (if not already) be going elsewhere to meet those needs. So granting him an official hall pass at least makes that easier for everybody, avoids the dishonesty of him just sneaking around.

to all then PP's who say "no don't do that" .... you are saying let their sexless marriage quickly crash/burn/divorce. How is THAT a better solution?

That is just not true. Usually, but not always.

[Anonymous]

OP here, after reading over everybody's opinion I think I agree that perhaps it's best we don't do this. I'm just so desperate to make our relationship work, I would hate for us to just split apart because I don't know how the kids would take it.

I'm way too desperate and maybe I'm willing to do anything to save our relationship. We've been in couples therapy for about 7 months now and while there's been minimal improvement, the sexual desire for one another is not there.

There are times where I fantasize about sleeping with my next door neighbor and have almost gone through with it but have stopped short because I made a commitment to my husband.

Do you all think maybe it's time we just divorce and in the relationship or is this something worth saving?

[Anonymous]

I doubt it.

[Anonymous]

I think you should give the hall pass idea a try. Have you ever experimented before? You should try it and see how it feels

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, after reading over everybody's opinion I think I agree that perhaps it's best we don't do this. I'm just so desperate to make our relationship work, I would hate for us to just split apart because I don't know how the kids would take it.

I'm way too desperate and maybe I'm willing to do anything to save our relationship. We've been in couples therapy for about 7 months now and while there's been minimal improvement, the sexual desire for one another is not there.

There are times where I fantasize about sleeping with my next door neighbor and have almost gone through with it but have stopped short because I made a commitment to my husband.

Do you all think maybe it's time we just divorce and in the relationship or is this something worth saving?

Do you have any ability to leave the five kids with family embers and take a weekend away? That would probably be better than a hall pass.

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen a hall pass work only once in a relationship, and it was for the wife to go and mess around with other women. I’ve seen it fail about thirty other times.

[Anonymous]

Imgave my DH a hall.pass to try stuff with a man and it ended up blowing up in our faces. Don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, after reading over everybody's opinion I think I agree that perhaps it's best we don't do this. I'm just so desperate to make our relationship work, I would hate for us to just split apart because I don't know how the kids would take it.

I'm way too desperate and maybe I'm willing to do anything to save our relationship. We've been in couples therapy for about 7 months now and while there's been minimal improvement, the sexual desire for one another is not there.

There are times where I fantasize about sleeping with my next door neighbor and have almost gone through with it but have stopped short because I made a commitment to my husband.

Do you all think maybe it's time we just divorce and in the relationship or is this something worth saving?

You (again) mention lack of sexual desire without any mention of how often are you actually having sex? Because THAT is what would determine the value of granting DH a hall pass. This assumes the normal gendered roles, such that a DW who lacks desire (for DH) would prefer no sex at all, whereas a DH would still need sex regardless of his desire (or lack thereof) for DW.

[Anonymous]

I also think it's worth a shot. What's the worst that will happen? You will likely end up divorced if you remain sexless.