Tween (10) told me she "likes" a girl in her class

[Anonymous]

Of our self-identified LGBTQ sixth graders the past five years, many were out by the spring of fifth grade so 10 doesn’t seem young. I knew I “like liked” boys by fourth or fifth grade and no one questioned whether I was too young because it fit society’s expectations of heterosexuality. Either 10 is too young to have any romantic feelings or it isn’t.

We do this with so many things. If a child says at 10 that they want to be a doctor or an engineer, we accept it and even support them. But if they say that they want less mainstream career like being a mortician or a organic mushroom farmer, we think they are too young to know their own interests.

[Anonymous]

Most little kids like boys and girls in the class and get a thrill when someone pays attention to them and likes them back. It is rarely sexual at such a young age when the sex hormones have yet to surge. So I simply would not view childhood friendships and relationships as a matter of sexual orientation until the individual's sexuality blossoms. Treat it as sexually neutral until it isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most little kids like boys and girls in the class and get a thrill when someone pays attention to them and likes them back. It is rarely sexual at such a young age when the sex hormones have yet to surge. So I simply would not view childhood friendships and relationships as a matter of sexual orientation until the individual's sexuality blossoms. Treat it as sexually neutral until it isn't.

Sexuality is a weird way to refer to an interest in gender because it's really only partially about sex. I had serious crushes at the same time I thought sex was gross, and never on a boy. I strongly liked girls, but more in a "I really like being around you" or "I wish I was like you" sort of way. Not butterflies at all; it was very different from a crush.

So I disagree that you have to have any kind of sexuality before you can know your sexual orientation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most little kids like boys and girls in the class and get a thrill when someone pays attention to them and likes them back. It is rarely sexual at such a young age when the sex hormones have yet to surge. So I simply would not view childhood friendships and relationships as a matter of sexual orientation until the individual's sexuality blossoms. Treat it as sexually neutral until it isn't.

Sexuality is a weird way to refer to an interest in gender because it's really only partially about sex. I had serious crushes at the same time I thought sex was gross, and never on a boy. I strongly liked girls, but more in a "I really like being around you" or "I wish I was like you" sort of way. Not butterflies at all; it was very different from a crush.

So I disagree that you have to have any kind of sexuality before you can know your sexual orientation.

I meant *always* on a boy. I've never had a crush on a girl even if they paid attention to me in a way I liked.

[Anonymous]

NP here: What if you were gay in the past but aren't now. At what age is it appropriate to share that? (If curious, I'm monogamously married to a man and only occasionally think of women)

[Anonymous]

I go with the "That's nice, dear" approach. These things come and go. I've noticed they don't know how to say "I admire her style and sense of humor" and interpret that as "liking" the person, so then they assume they're gay. That's fine - I don't care. If I got asked if I've ever liked a girl I'd say no, because I haven't, but everyone is different and that's totally okay.

[Anonymous]

Perfectly normal and doesn’t make her a lesbian.

[Anonymous]

10 is around when "puppy love" type crushes start. If she wants to spend more time with this girl, then suggest she reach out and schedule a play date or hang out time, but I wouldn't encourage anything more than that because she's obviously too young to date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most little kids like boys and girls in the class and get a thrill when someone pays attention to them and likes them back. It is rarely sexual at such a young age when the sex hormones have yet to surge. So I simply would not view childhood friendships and relationships as a matter of sexual orientation until the individual's sexuality blossoms. Treat it as sexually neutral until it isn't.

Sexuality is a weird way to refer to an interest in gender because it's really only partially about sex. I had serious crushes at the same time I thought sex was gross, and never on a boy. I strongly liked girls, but more in a "I really like being around you" or "I wish I was like you" sort of way. Not butterflies at all; it was very different from a crush.

So I disagree that you have to have any kind of sexuality before you can know your sexual orientation.

I was very similar as a kid. All of my “crushes” between ages 8-11 were on girls, but looking back, I was likely more fascinated with those girls than romantically interested. I didn’t develop a physical attraction to anyone until I was well into puberty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most little kids like boys and girls in the class and get a thrill when someone pays attention to them and likes them back. It is rarely sexual at such a young age when the sex hormones have yet to surge. So I simply would not view childhood friendships and relationships as a matter of sexual orientation until the individual's sexuality blossoms. Treat it as sexually neutral until it isn't.

Sexuality is a weird way to refer to an interest in gender because it's really only partially about sex. I had serious crushes at the same time I thought sex was gross, and never on a boy. I strongly liked girls, but more in a "I really like being around you" or "I wish I was like you" sort of way. Not butterflies at all; it was very different from a crush.

So I disagree that you have to have any kind of sexuality before you can know your sexual orientation.

I meant *always* on a boy. I've never had a crush on a girl even if they paid attention to me in a way I liked.

A lot depends on when those hormones kick in, which, yes, can be very young for girls. But, also you probably grew up in an era and place that strongly signaled to you from a very young age that your feelings for boys versus girls was of a different character (you are right, it didn't have to be about sex, but it was romanticized). So you thought of your feelings for boys as crushes. And adults probably romanticized those feelings early and referred to it as a crush, or boyfriend or joked about marriage, and you learned that language was associated with that feeling, and that is was very special in a unique way, but only for boys, because they probably never called your feelings for girls a crush, or joked about you marrying your best girlfriend, nor did you see examples of it in media. Those relationships had a different language.

It's different now (at least in some places), and kids have a broader sense of possibilities, so for many kids today, it's not just about the feelings, it is also about the language kids are taught to associate with those feelings, which lets them hold off on characterizing and romanticizing relationships until later. Of course, on the flip side some people go the other way and romanticize all of the kids's relationships, but that's not necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last night my DD 10 told me she had a secret. About crushes. Eventually she told me that she "likes, likes" a girl in her class.

I am trying not to read too much into it. I told her you can like anyone for who they are in the inside. That's what important. She asked me if I ever "liked" a girl, and I said I've thought some were really pretty and nice. ( I wasn't sure what to say).

Any advice here? I know some people say they knew they were gay from a very young age. And if she is, so be it. However I think she's young for crushes.

Any advice would be appreciated.

thanks.

I would just try your best to appear to be supportive, and to lover her. Let her know you still love her even if she turns out that way, and that you are still her mom. Its important for her know she still has a home. How does your husband feel about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last night my DD 10 told me she had a secret. About crushes. Eventually she told me that she "likes, likes" a girl in her class.

I am trying not to read too much into it. I told her you can like anyone for who they are in the inside. That's what important. She asked me if I ever "liked" a girl, and I said I've thought some were really pretty and nice. ( I wasn't sure what to say).

Any advice here? I know some people say they knew they were gay from a very young age. And if she is, so be it. However I think she's young for crushes.

Any advice would be appreciated.

thanks.

I would just try your best to appear to be supportive, and to lover her. Let her know you still love her even if she turns out that way, and that you are still her mom. Its important for her know she still has a home. How does your husband feel about this?

WTF is up with this post. She might be gay, not a serial killer. It’s not the 1950s or even the 1980s anymore.

[Anonymous]

I am gay and had my first crush at 10. This was the early 00’s and I knew then not to tell anyone, especially my parents. The fact that she told you is awesome and a huge compliment! A lot of PP’s already gave you good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last night my DD 10 told me she had a secret. About crushes. Eventually she told me that she "likes, likes" a girl in her class.

I am trying not to read too much into it. I told her you can like anyone for who they are in the inside. That's what important. She asked me if I ever "liked" a girl, and I said I've thought some were really pretty and nice. ( I wasn't sure what to say).

Any advice here? I know some people say they knew they were gay from a very young age. And if she is, so be it. However I think she's young for crushes.

Any advice would be appreciated.

thanks.

I would just try your best to appear to be supportive, and to lover her. Let her know you still love her even if she turns out that way, and that you are still her mom. Its important for her know she still has a home. How does your husband feel about this?

What the actual f***?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most little kids like boys and girls in the class and get a thrill when someone pays attention to them and likes them back. It is rarely sexual at such a young age when the sex hormones have yet to surge. So I simply would not view childhood friendships and relationships as a matter of sexual orientation until the individual's sexuality blossoms. Treat it as sexually neutral until it isn't.

Sexuality is a weird way to refer to an interest in gender because it's really only partially about sex. I had serious crushes at the same time I thought sex was gross, and never on a boy. I strongly liked girls, but more in a "I really like being around you" or "I wish I was like you" sort of way. Not butterflies at all; it was very different from a crush.

So I disagree that you have to have any kind of sexuality before you can know your sexual orientation.

I meant *always* on a boy. I've never had a crush on a girl even if they paid attention to me in a way I liked.

A lot depends on when those hormones kick in, which, yes, can be very young for girls. But, also you probably grew up in an era and place that strongly signaled to you from a very young age that your feelings for boys versus girls was of a different character (you are right, it didn't have to be about sex, but it was romanticized). So you thought of your feelings for boys as crushes. And adults probably romanticized those feelings early and referred to it as a crush, or boyfriend or joked about marriage, and you learned that language was associated with that feeling, and that is was very special in a unique way, but only for boys, because they probably never called your feelings for girls a crush, or joked about you marrying your best girlfriend, nor did you see examples of it in media. Those relationships had a different language.

It's different now (at least in some places), and kids have a broader sense of possibilities, so for many kids today, it's not just about the feelings, it is also about the language kids are taught to associate with those feelings, which lets them hold off on characterizing and romanticizing relationships until later. Of course, on the flip side some people go the other way and romanticize all of the kids's relationships, but that's not necessary.

Nope that’s not what happened. I had legitimate crushes.