Does your elderly parent take great joy in sending hate grams and spreading acts of pettiness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom has similar characteristics and it's difficult. She called me to say she's worried about my sister because when she called my sister, she seemed withdrawn and depressed. My sister had a difficult week so I told her she struggling with X,Y, and Z so give her time to process. My mom then called her friends and exaggerated the story I told her about my sister. Her friends know her personality so they didn't react to it. Because she didn't get enough fuel from the lack of drama, she calls my sister and tells her how to be a better wife, that I had explained what happened and that if my sister got psychological help, her marriage would be wonderful. She constantly creates drama. Lesson learnt, I should stop explaining things to my mom because she will twist everything just to create drama.

Yep, mine is a drama llama elderly mama too.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is amazing if you aren't scarred for life. Please, this is about you now. Your mental health. There's no saving Mom.

No reason, at all, you will be become your Mother. But make sure your Mom's problems aren't seeping into your relationship -- through you talking about it so much, making it a focus.

[Anonymous]

This is my mother!

She recently recounted to me how she was asked to leave the grocery store after getting in a verbal altercation about a price adjustment.

She’s also confronted her neighbor about petty things and then can’t believe they don’t act neighborly towards her and my dad.

My mother also refuses to take meds for her diagnosed anxiety and depression, and I often believe BPD also plays a roll in the way she acts.

I don’t have any advice. I’ve learned I will never have the relationship I desire. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t change her, I can only change the way I react to her. I don’t tell her much about my personal life, or that of my children; even they aren’t safe. I allow her a set amount of time to complain about the problems of her own creation, and then I disengage. (I’m getting better about leaving it where I drop it and not carrying it around, but it’s hard.)

Most important, I KNOW the way she acts is more about HER than it will ever be about me. It’s actually not about me at all! I’m getting a lot better at believing this.

Everything I do that she doesn’t agree with becomes a battle, and she throws daggers! I don’t tell her much anymore, lesson learned.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP, it sounds like you’re addicted to all the constant drama. Her behavior is not within your control. Just step away and let it all go. Your responsibility is to yourself - which doesn’t involve convincing others that your mother is or way or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Besides the fact she passed a dementia screen, I don't think this is dementia because it takes a great deal of thought. She won't stay on her SSRIs and I wonder if maybe this is mental illness at play? She has always had these tendencies, but I think my father and her friends were able to help her behave and she had maybe a few ounces of empathy back then. Now she is a mess. My elderly mom takes great sinister pride in her acts of rudeness. I have set major boundaries, but she keeps trying to poke at me. She was particularly awful when my husband was hospitalized after a heart attack. It's like she was determined to break me. She also will brag to my brother about things like telling off a neighbor via email and then being stunned when the neighbor told her off right back. She sent a really nasty email to her cousin which her cousin never responded to. My brother said she was checking her email constantly with this deranged excitement hoping to see a response.

She gets into arguments with doctors and nurses and has been asked to leave one medical office. The way she tells the story she is always, always right and a victim. Then there are her "good deed" acts of rudeness where she will tell the checkout person who is obese about the wonders of healthy eating and programs like weightwatchers because she "cares." We cannot convince her to go back on meds and behave like a decent person because we are just her children and should obey her. He doctor has read her the riot act for not staying on meds.

Is anyone else's parent like this? What's really disgusting is she gets this rush of excitement being rude. She wants to drama and the power. And...she's in great health so this could go on for a really long time and get worse.

This is my sister. The constant pot stirring, insulting the cousins, lying, trying to manipulate my kids (who see through her)—the whole package. Part of it is loving the drama, but I have no doubt it’s also mental illness. She does have a therapist although I have no idea what they discuss. I’ve stepped away and grey rock her when we meet at family functions.

[Anonymous]

My mom also takes great pleasure in hurting others. She seems to be a narcissist or someone suggested she may be on the spath spectrum. She likes to tell stories of people commenting on her cruelty, then laughs and laughs.

She also makes exaggerated mean faces, like a Disney cartoon, when speaking about people. I thought it was some sort of tic but a relative in the mental health field pointed out that she seems to control it.

My mom was a heavy drinker but had to stop due to a medical condition. Since detoxing she seems even crazier, I think it had a sedating effect on the need for chaos, drama and upset. I keep my distance as do many relatives and neighbors.

She does have a HHA, a cleaner, etc, so needs are met. She was in a physio rehab for a bit and they sent the psychiatrist in frequently. Since she has always been like this and won't take meds there was nothing they could do.

It was validating to have others note the intensity of moods, anti-social behavior, how quickly moods shift, need to be the victim and histrionics, etc. It's not easy but protect yourself and your own family. People like this ALWAYS find someone to do their bidding. If you are not vigilant and distant it can feel like they take over your whole head space and it's hard not to react to the intense emotions in close quarters.

[Anonymous]

Feel no guilt and let her go. Don't concern yourself with her. Live your life.

I have an aunt like this that feels the need to "chase down" people she thinks are committing crimes or doing bad things and confronting them. She now carries a gun and said she's not afraid to use it. She's single, elderly. She does not have dementia and is quite healthy. We know one day she's going to be killed or seriously hurt engaging in this behavior. And at this point, there is nothing we can do so it is what it is. And I feel no guilt about it.

(This is not her only behavior but her most egregious).