My Mom Moved Out

[Anonymous]

OP It's likely that your Mom will return when she can no longer live alone. It was super nice of you to try to make it work with her and spent so much money getting your place ready for her. Elder care in all forms is RARELY easy. I'd do your best to make up with her. Hostility is extremely draining.

[Anonymous]

I don't see the problem. She also recognized this was a bad living situation. You sound very angry at her and she likely realized telling you her plans would cause you to blow up. "After all we've done for you!? And the money we spent fixing this place up?!!" Count your blessings that it went this way without a huge confrontation.

[Anonymous]

OP this is a blessing! I am so happy for you!
Do not let her back in, no matter what!
Rent the space out if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's sad that communication broke down but I give her props for having the gumption to run her own life. It really was nice of you to set her up in the inlaw apartment, sorry it didn't work out, I hope you can both find a way to meet on a middle ground since she won't be around too much longer.

I'm actually wondering if you are able to see the situation from her point of view. You say she was argumentative and abusive, what would she say about you?

Oh I can tell you exactly what she would say about me because she DID say it about it. She was fine as long as we catered to her every whim and I did things exactly how she wanted. She tried to tell me what to do from large things (“why would you stay in that job? You should get a higher paying one.”) to small (“Don’t give the kids everything they want, we never sent you to camp”). I could t even do laundry right unless it was exactly her way. When I would stand up for myself and remind her I am a grown ass adult she’d get all mad and accuse me of trying to gaslight her. I don’t even understand that, but when so asked her what she meant she yelled at me.

She moved out to an apartment that is not assisted living but a lot older people live there and there is a small market in the building so she won’t starve. She won’t take her medications properly of course so I am sure there will eventually be fall out from that, and I will feel bad. But we did our best, or close to it.

The irony is we could have coexisted peacefully if she wasn’t so controlling, mean, and treating me like I was 12. Hell, I am nearly elderly myself. Maybe it is due in part to the aging brain, but she was never overly nice to me. She gave us things, sure. But not her attention or support. I was hoping for a nicer relationship now but guess not.

I just wish she had given us some warning, or been up front about it.
It feels like she needed to put that final knife in my back and twist it, to show me who is boss.

This reminds me of a poster this past year whose elderly father moved in and was driving her bonkers questioning or critiquing how they did everything. Must be a thing.

It is definitely a thing. My therapist who likes to share probably too much says she is dealing with this now too. That it’s about maintaining control and not being willing to give up the parenting role. That makes sense. Combined with dementia and other health problems it’s no wonder this happens. However all the more reason to seek care elsewhere when you are that age. More willing to accept help and to allow the caregiver to give care without the baggage.

And this is exactly why I will be shopping for my own assisted living accommodation at 70 or so. I don't want to wreck my relationships with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this is a blessing! I am so happy for you!
Do not let her back in, no matter what!
Rent the space out if you can.

This is OP. Yes, I am afraid she will have to come back WHEN things go south, because they will since she cannot take her meds properly. I don't think I will be strong enough to turn her down when that happens. Can I really rent out the space and say, "too bad" -- even though that's what I would prefer, given how things have gone?

I think one of the things that bothered me about how she moved out was the fact that she expected to be kept abreast of any little decision we made whether it had something to do with her or not ("you didn't tell me you were getting a new washing machine" "why didn't you tell me you were going out for coffee" "I want to know why you are choosing now to fix up your powder room") and yet she makes these plans and then leaves while we are away. And then she says something like, "sorry my presence didn't work out for YOU" or something mean like that.

It makes me sad that I hoped things would be different and they weren't, and yes I tried to stand my ground and have her play by our house rules since it is our house, and all of it ended up with her saying, "nope, if I can't play by my own rules and YOU can't play by my rules, I'm just going to go do what I want."

If she were totally healthy and able to care for herself I'd be thrilled with it but I have the feeling of impending doom because she isn't healthy and she won't take her meds right and she will probably end up in the hospital.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Sounds like she moved out of an elder abuse situation to live alone at 85.

Her bad Karma maybe?

You must be the poster who tells people they are evil if they don’t spend $150,000/year on their parents’ LTC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Sounds like she moved out of an elder abuse situation to live alone at 85.

Her bad Karma maybe?

You must be the poster who tells people they are evil if they don’t spend $150,000/year on their parents’ LTC.

Yes, I didn’t understand either re: elder abuse comment. What is the abuse?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the tension was mutual.

Try to focus on the positive aspects of this outcome .

Most families would probably find it hard to make this work. It was generous that you gave it an attempt. Tell her you love her, and that you understand her decision. That you look forward to supporting her under this new set up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this is a blessing! I am so happy for you!
Do not let her back in, no matter what!
Rent the space out if you can.

This is OP. Yes, I am afraid she will have to come back WHEN things go south, because they will since she cannot take her meds properly. I don't think I will be strong enough to turn her down when that happens. Can I really rent out the space and say, "too bad" -- even though that's what I would prefer, given how things have gone?

I think one of the things that bothered me about how she moved out was the fact that she expected to be kept abreast of any little decision we made whether it had something to do with her or not ("you didn't tell me you were getting a new washing machine" "why didn't you tell me you were going out for coffee" "I want to know why you are choosing now to fix up your powder room") and yet she makes these plans and then leaves while we are away. And then she says something like, "sorry my presence didn't work out for YOU" or something mean like that.

It makes me sad that I hoped things would be different and they weren't, and yes I tried to stand my ground and have her play by our house rules since it is our house, and all of it ended up with her saying, "nope, if I can't play by my own rules and YOU can't play by my rules, I'm just going to go do what I want."

If she were totally healthy and able to care for herself I'd be thrilled with it but I have the feeling of impending doom because she isn't healthy and she won't take her meds right and she will probably end up in the hospital.

My house and my rules sounds like a prison. I can't stand staying with someone else for more than a couple of days myself. I stayed with my ailing father for about three weeks and just about went mad. Your mother has been in charge of her life for a very long time.

Isn't there a whole industry devoted to residential care for the elderly?

[Anonymous]

OP, you say you won't be able to refuse her if she wants to come back. Think hard about this dance the two of you have, both spinning the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this is a blessing! I am so happy for you!
Do not let her back in, no matter what!
Rent the space out if you can.

This is OP. Yes, I am afraid she will have to come back WHEN things go south, because they will since she cannot take her meds properly. I don't think I will be strong enough to turn her down when that happens. Can I really rent out the space and say, "too bad" -- even though that's what I would prefer, given how things have gone?

I think one of the things that bothered me about how she moved out was the fact that she expected to be kept abreast of any little decision we made whether it had something to do with her or not ("you didn't tell me you were getting a new washing machine" "why didn't you tell me you were going out for coffee" "I want to know why you are choosing now to fix up your powder room") and yet she makes these plans and then leaves while we are away. And then she says something like, "sorry my presence didn't work out for YOU" or something mean like that.

It makes me sad that I hoped things would be different and they weren't, and yes I tried to stand my ground and have her play by our house rules since it is our house, and all of it ended up with her saying, "nope, if I can't play by my own rules and YOU can't play by my rules, I'm just going to go do what I want."

If she were totally healthy and able to care for herself I'd be thrilled with it but I have the feeling of impending doom because she isn't healthy and she won't take her meds right and she will probably end up in the hospital.

My house and my rules sounds like a prison. I can't stand staying with someone else for more than a couple of days myself. I stayed with my ailing father for about three weeks and just about went mad. Your mother has been in charge of her life for a very long time.

Isn't there a whole industry devoted to residential care for the elderly?

"My house, my rules" sounds like setting clear boundaries. She used to be in charge of her life before, but her life has changed and the sooner she comes to terms with that the better. The same way she would have to adjust her behavior if she rented a place as opposed to buying, or if she moved into an assisted living, she is not -- nor should she be -- in control of her care any more if she is impaired to a degree that she cannot take medicines, safely operate a car, and the like.

She can't have it both ways -- expect someone to give up their life to care for her -- and also expect nothing to change in terms of how she conducts her life.

She needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

OP,.get a renter and then move her straight into assisted living from the hospital, when things go south.

[Anonymous]

I can definitely see my mother being like this. The only good news is, she'll move in with my sister, and not me. They deserve each other.

[Anonymous]

It's great news, OP. It means you can morally discharge yourself of being at her beck and call from now on.

Yes, you'll be helping with various falls and health issues, because you're a good daughter.
But you won't be dealing with her on a DAILY basis, and you won't ever let her move back in. She can go to a Medicare facility if she can't afford better. She made that decision when she was being horrible to you.

And don't feel annoyed about the fact she tried to control her departure: it makes you the one who likes to be in control. She wants to do everything on her own. Well great. When she needs help, you can return the favor.

[Anonymous]

She made her bed....let her deal with the consequences. If she cannot handle her meds, she goes into assisted living.