My Mom Moved Out

[Anonymous]

She lived with us for 6 months and we argued a lot and she was pretty ungrateful and abusive. She secretly visiting places with a friend and had the friend help her move out while we were away one weekend.

I am thrilled because I don’t have to put up with her anymore but I am also pissed that she would do things in this manner. Ww spent tens of thousands of dollars fixing up her in law apartment, catered to her every whim, etc. We argued when she tried to control me and I tried to stand my ground and set boundaries.

I am hurt AND elated at the same time.

Just sharing because I feel so weird about it and also am shocked that at 85 she pulled this off.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she did the best thing for both of you. Thank her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she did the best thing for both of you. Thank her.

This.

[Anonymous]

It's sad that communication broke down but I give her props for having the gumption to run her own life. It really was nice of you to set her up in the inlaw apartment, sorry it didn't work out, I hope you can both find a way to meet on a middle ground since she won't be around too much longer.

I'm actually wondering if you are able to see the situation from her point of view. You say she was argumentative and abusive, what would she say about you?

[Anonymous]

Rent the suite out to a nice person. Make your money back and have fewer headaches!

[Anonymous]

Did she move into assisted living or is she trying to live independently?

Do you think she is actually capable of having an adult conversation with you about moving out? Maybe she just isn't, but knew it was the right thing for both of you, so she did it in secret.

[Anonymous]

You can sleep at night knowing you tried. You paid for the work. Tried to live together. And, she voluntarily left!! Where's the champagne?

[Anonymous]

Quick! Rent out her room so she can’t come back.

[Anonymous]

Wow! Sounds like she moved out of an elder abuse situation to live alone at 85.

Her bad Karma maybe?

[Anonymous]

She’ll be back when she needs you.

[Anonymous]

I would send her flowers. This is best for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's sad that communication broke down but I give her props for having the gumption to run her own life. It really was nice of you to set her up in the inlaw apartment, sorry it didn't work out, I hope you can both find a way to meet on a middle ground since she won't be around too much longer.

I'm actually wondering if you are able to see the situation from her point of view. You say she was argumentative and abusive, what would she say about you?

Oh I can tell you exactly what she would say about me because she DID say it about it. She was fine as long as we catered to her every whim and I did things exactly how she wanted. She tried to tell me what to do from large things (“why would you stay in that job? You should get a higher paying one.”) to small (“Don’t give the kids everything they want, we never sent you to camp”). I could t even do laundry right unless it was exactly her way. When I would stand up for myself and remind her I am a grown ass adult she’d get all mad and accuse me of trying to gaslight her. I don’t even understand that, but when so asked her what she meant she yelled at me.

She moved out to an apartment that is not assisted living but a lot older people live there and there is a small market in the building so she won’t starve. She won’t take her medications properly of course so I am sure there will eventually be fall out from that, and I will feel bad. But we did our best, or close to it.

The irony is we could have coexisted peacefully if she wasn’t so controlling, mean, and treating me like I was 12. Hell, I am nearly elderly myself. Maybe it is due in part to the aging brain, but she was never overly nice to me. She gave us things, sure. But not her attention or support. I was hoping for a nicer relationship now but guess not.

I just wish she had given us some warning, or been up front about it.
It feels like she needed to put that final knife in my back and twist it, to show me who is boss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's sad that communication broke down but I give her props for having the gumption to run her own life. It really was nice of you to set her up in the inlaw apartment, sorry it didn't work out, I hope you can both find a way to meet on a middle ground since she won't be around too much longer.

I'm actually wondering if you are able to see the situation from her point of view. You say she was argumentative and abusive, what would she say about you?

Oh I can tell you exactly what she would say about me because she DID say it about it. She was fine as long as we catered to her every whim and I did things exactly how she wanted. She tried to tell me what to do from large things (“why would you stay in that job? You should get a higher paying one.”) to small (“Don’t give the kids everything they want, we never sent you to camp”). I could t even do laundry right unless it was exactly her way. When I would stand up for myself and remind her I am a grown ass adult she’d get all mad and accuse me of trying to gaslight her. I don’t even understand that, but when so asked her what she meant she yelled at me.

She moved out to an apartment that is not assisted living but a lot older people live there and there is a small market in the building so she won’t starve. She won’t take her medications properly of course so I am sure there will eventually be fall out from that, and I will feel bad. But we did our best, or close to it.

The irony is we could have coexisted peacefully if she wasn’t so controlling, mean, and treating me like I was 12. Hell, I am nearly elderly myself. Maybe it is due in part to the aging brain, but she was never overly nice to me. She gave us things, sure. But not her attention or support. I was hoping for a nicer relationship now but guess not.

I just wish she had given us some warning, or been up front about it.
It feels like she needed to put that final knife in my back and twist it, to show me who is boss.

This reminds me of a poster this past year whose elderly father moved in and was driving her bonkers questioning or critiquing how they did everything. Must be a thing.

[Anonymous]

That must be really confusing emotionally. I’m happy for you that you have your space back, but understand that it might be hard to give up that caretaking role. Hugs to you, OP, and enjoy your newly regained freedom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's sad that communication broke down but I give her props for having the gumption to run her own life. It really was nice of you to set her up in the inlaw apartment, sorry it didn't work out, I hope you can both find a way to meet on a middle ground since she won't be around too much longer.

I'm actually wondering if you are able to see the situation from her point of view. You say she was argumentative and abusive, what would she say about you?

Oh I can tell you exactly what she would say about me because she DID say it about it. She was fine as long as we catered to her every whim and I did things exactly how she wanted. She tried to tell me what to do from large things (“why would you stay in that job? You should get a higher paying one.”) to small (“Don’t give the kids everything they want, we never sent you to camp”). I could t even do laundry right unless it was exactly her way. When I would stand up for myself and remind her I am a grown ass adult she’d get all mad and accuse me of trying to gaslight her. I don’t even understand that, but when so asked her what she meant she yelled at me.

She moved out to an apartment that is not assisted living but a lot older people live there and there is a small market in the building so she won’t starve. She won’t take her medications properly of course so I am sure there will eventually be fall out from that, and I will feel bad. But we did our best, or close to it.

The irony is we could have coexisted peacefully if she wasn’t so controlling, mean, and treating me like I was 12. Hell, I am nearly elderly myself. Maybe it is due in part to the aging brain, but she was never overly nice to me. She gave us things, sure. But not her attention or support. I was hoping for a nicer relationship now but guess not.

I just wish she had given us some warning, or been up front about it.
It feels like she needed to put that final knife in my back and twist it, to show me who is boss.

This reminds me of a poster this past year whose elderly father moved in and was driving her bonkers questioning or critiquing how they did everything. Must be a thing.

It is definitely a thing. My therapist who likes to share probably too much says she is dealing with this now too. That it’s about maintaining control and not being willing to give up the parenting role. That makes sense. Combined with dementia and other health problems it’s no wonder this happens. However all the more reason to seek care elsewhere when you are that age. More willing to accept help and to allow the caregiver to give care without the baggage.