None of my usual behavior tools work now that DD is 3. What works for your 3yo?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try "No Bad Kids" by Lansbury. it completely changed the way I dealt with my 3 year old and we were all happier.

Firm boundaries and knowing when a toddler can NOT make the right choice were key for me in keeping from getting too frustrated. Sometimes they CAN NOT make a choice. You must do it for them, but hold the boundary in a kind yet firm way. No timers, no countdowns, no time outs. Next time, you learn to head it off before it gets to meltdown stage.

Can you give an example of this? Helpful

She really does a much better job explaining it than I do, I'd poke around here: https://www.janetlansbury.com/category/toddlers-preschoolers/

But basically, if you know it's getting time to leave the park, you have to stop expecting cheery compliance if you KNOW it's a sticking point. Countdowns only add stress "we're leaving in 10 minutes, now 5 minutes! Now 1 minutes! LET'S GO!". 3 year olds don't know minutes, so this doesn't make sense. Instead, you make sure you are leaving before they are completely DONE with their own regulation. Then you help them leave. "Ok Cindy, time to go, let’s say good bye to the slide" or "let’s race to the car". If they refuse, you can empathize, but you hold your boundary. "I know it's hard to leave the park" while leading them away. If they get more upset, you may need to scoop them up. "You are really upset about leaving today!". Try to leave out the "but it's time" or "we can come back" or other bargaining things we tend to do with kids. We think it softens things, but it can make kids feel like they aren't being heard.

Interesting - we basically did the exact opposite of this with our two boys! It is really scientifically proven that 3 year olds can’t quantify time? We had giant sand timers (2, 5, and 10) minutes and used them when our kids were 2-4 year old. Might have been a fluke, but the timers really worked and the kids learned to estimate 2,5 and 10 min. We could tell because when we were outside the house, they were good at approximating how long they could play before time was up. To this day, my now 10 year old sets a kitchen timer in the morning to give himself a 5 min warning so that he can quickly do his hair and put on his shoes before heading to the bus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try "No Bad Kids" by Lansbury. it completely changed the way I dealt with my 3 year old and we were all happier.

Firm boundaries and knowing when a toddler can NOT make the right choice were key for me in keeping from getting too frustrated. Sometimes they CAN NOT make a choice. You must do it for them, but hold the boundary in a kind yet firm way. No timers, no countdowns, no time outs. Next time, you learn to head it off before it gets to meltdown stage.

Can you give an example of this? Helpful

She really does a much better job explaining it than I do, I'd poke around here: https://www.janetlansbury.com/category/toddlers-preschoolers/

But basically, if you know it's getting time to leave the park, you have to stop expecting cheery compliance if you KNOW it's a sticking point. Countdowns only add stress "we're leaving in 10 minutes, now 5 minutes! Now 1 minutes! LET'S GO!". 3 year olds don't know minutes, so this doesn't make sense. Instead, you make sure you are leaving before they are completely DONE with their own regulation. Then you help them leave. "Ok Cindy, time to go, let’s say good bye to the slide" or "let’s race to the car". If they refuse, you can empathize, but you hold your boundary. "I know it's hard to leave the park" while leading them away. If they get more upset, you may need to scoop them up. "You are really upset about leaving today!". Try to leave out the "but it's time" or "we can come back" or other bargaining things we tend to do with kids. We think it softens things, but it can make kids feel like they aren't being heard.

Interesting - we basically did the exact opposite of this with our two boys! It is really scientifically proven that 3 year olds can’t quantify time? We had giant sand timers (2, 5, and 10) minutes and used them when our kids were 2-4 year old. Might have been a fluke, but the timers really worked and the kids learned to estimate 2,5 and 10 min. We could tell because when we were outside the house, they were good at approximating how long they could play before time was up. To this day, my now 10 year old sets a kitchen timer in the morning to give himself a 5 min warning so that he can quickly do his hair and put on his shoes before heading to the bus.

OP here. Interestingly, the Louise Bates Ames "your 3-year-old" book (recommended by different PP) says that there are two types of kids -- one that benefits from warnings and preparations, and one that does better with things being sprung on them without prepping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try "No Bad Kids" by Lansbury. it completely changed the way I dealt with my 3 year old and we were all happier.

Firm boundaries and knowing when a toddler can NOT make the right choice were key for me in keeping from getting too frustrated. Sometimes they CAN NOT make a choice. You must do it for them, but hold the boundary in a kind yet firm way. No timers, no countdowns, no time outs. Next time, you learn to head it off before it gets to meltdown stage.

Can you give an example of this? Helpful

She really does a much better job explaining it than I do, I'd poke around here: https://www.janetlansbury.com/category/toddlers-preschoolers/

But basically, if you know it's getting time to leave the park, you have to stop expecting cheery compliance if you KNOW it's a sticking point. Countdowns only add stress "we're leaving in 10 minutes, now 5 minutes! Now 1 minutes! LET'S GO!". 3 year olds don't know minutes, so this doesn't make sense. Instead, you make sure you are leaving before they are completely DONE with their own regulation. Then you help them leave. "Ok Cindy, time to go, let’s say good bye to the slide" or "let’s race to the car". If they refuse, you can empathize, but you hold your boundary. "I know it's hard to leave the park" while leading them away. If they get more upset, you may need to scoop them up. "You are really upset about leaving today!". Try to leave out the "but it's time" or "we can come back" or other bargaining things we tend to do with kids. We think it softens things, but it can make kids feel like they aren't being heard.

Interesting - we basically did the exact opposite of this with our two boys! It is really scientifically proven that 3 year olds can’t quantify time? We had giant sand timers (2, 5, and 10) minutes and used them when our kids were 2-4 year old. Might have been a fluke, but the timers really worked and the kids learned to estimate 2,5 and 10 min. We could tell because when we were outside the house, they were good at approximating how long they could play before time was up. To this day, my now 10 year old sets a kitchen timer in the morning to give himself a 5 min warning so that he can quickly do his hair and put on his shoes before heading to the bus.

OP here. Interestingly, the Louise Bates Ames "your 3-year-old" book (recommended by different PP) says that there are two types of kids -- one that benefits from warnings and preparations, and one that does better with things being sprung on them without prepping.

Thanks, that is interesting. I guess we just guessed correctly that time. Feels like that’s true in a lot of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try "No Bad Kids" by Lansbury. it completely changed the way I dealt with my 3 year old and we were all happier.

Firm boundaries and knowing when a toddler can NOT make the right choice were key for me in keeping from getting too frustrated. Sometimes they CAN NOT make a choice. You must do it for them, but hold the boundary in a kind yet firm way. No timers, no countdowns, no time outs. Next time, you learn to head it off before it gets to meltdown stage.

Can you give an example of this? Helpful

She really does a much better job explaining it than I do, I'd poke around here: https://www.janetlansbury.com/category/toddlers-preschoolers/

But basically, if you know it's getting time to leave the park, you have to stop expecting cheery compliance if you KNOW it's a sticking point. Countdowns only add stress "we're leaving in 10 minutes, now 5 minutes! Now 1 minutes! LET'S GO!". 3 year olds don't know minutes, so this doesn't make sense. Instead, you make sure you are leaving before they are completely DONE with their own regulation. Then you help them leave. "Ok Cindy, time to go, let’s say good bye to the slide" or "let’s race to the car". If they refuse, you can empathize, but you hold your boundary. "I know it's hard to leave the park" while leading them away. If they get more upset, you may need to scoop them up. "You are really upset about leaving today!". Try to leave out the "but it's time" or "we can come back" or other bargaining things we tend to do with kids. We think it softens things, but it can make kids feel like they aren't being heard.

Interesting - we basically did the exact opposite of this with our two boys! It is really scientifically proven that 3 year olds can’t quantify time? We had giant sand timers (2, 5, and 10) minutes and used them when our kids were 2-4 year old. Might have been a fluke, but the timers really worked and the kids learned to estimate 2,5 and 10 min. We could tell because when we were outside the house, they were good at approximating how long they could play before time was up. To this day, my now 10 year old sets a kitchen timer in the morning to give himself a 5 min warning so that he can quickly do his hair and put on his shoes before heading to the bus.

OP here. Interestingly, the Louise Bates Ames "your 3-year-old" book (recommended by different PP) says that there are two types of kids -- one that benefits from warnings and preparations, and one that does better with things being sprung on them without prepping.

I'm the PP with the book recommendation. We had also tried 1-2-3 Magic with our kid and she still tells us (at age 13) how much it bothers her to hear people "count out" their kids. It had the exact opposite of the intended effect on her - it triggered a ton of anxiety and usually led to meltdowns. Timers were OK as they were kind of a "neutral" party, if you will. Trial and error with each of these kids does seem to be required. Good luck finding some tools that work with your girl - there are lots of good suggestions on this thread already.

[Anonymous]

I'm another big fan of Janet Lansbury's.

If you post specific issues, I can try to give examples of how she might recommend you respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try "No Bad Kids" by Lansbury. it completely changed the way I dealt with my 3 year old and we were all happier.

Firm boundaries and knowing when a toddler can NOT make the right choice were key for me in keeping from getting too frustrated. Sometimes they CAN NOT make a choice. You must do it for them, but hold the boundary in a kind yet firm way. No timers, no countdowns, no time outs. Next time, you learn to head it off before it gets to meltdown stage.

Can you give an example of this? Helpful

She really does a much better job explaining it than I do, I'd poke around here: https://www.janetlansbury.com/category/toddlers-preschoolers/

But basically, if you know it's getting time to leave the park, you have to stop expecting cheery compliance if you KNOW it's a sticking point. Countdowns only add stress "we're leaving in 10 minutes, now 5 minutes! Now 1 minutes! LET'S GO!". 3 year olds don't know minutes, so this doesn't make sense. Instead, you make sure you are leaving before they are completely DONE with their own regulation. Then you help them leave. "Ok Cindy, time to go, let’s say good bye to the slide" or "let’s race to the car". If they refuse, you can empathize, but you hold your boundary. "I know it's hard to leave the park" while leading them away. If they get more upset, you may need to scoop them up. "You are really upset about leaving today!". Try to leave out the "but it's time" or "we can come back" or other bargaining things we tend to do with kids. We think it softens things, but it can make kids feel like they aren't being heard.

Interesting - we basically did the exact opposite of this with our two boys! It is really scientifically proven that 3 year olds can’t quantify time? We had giant sand timers (2, 5, and 10) minutes and used them when our kids were 2-4 year old. Might have been a fluke, but the timers really worked and the kids learned to estimate 2,5 and 10 min. We could tell because when we were outside the house, they were good at approximating how long they could play before time was up. To this day, my now 10 year old sets a kitchen timer in the morning to give himself a 5 min warning so that he can quickly do his hair and put on his shoes before heading to the bus.

OP here. Interestingly, the Louise Bates Ames "your 3-year-old" book (recommended by different PP) says that there are two types of kids -- one that benefits from warnings and preparations, and one that does better with things being sprung on them without prepping.

I'm the PP with the book recommendation. We had also tried 1-2-3 Magic with our kid and she still tells us (at age 13) how much it bothers her to hear people "count out" their kids. It had the exact opposite of the intended effect on her - it triggered a ton of anxiety and usually led to meltdowns. Timers were OK as they were kind of a "neutral" party, if you will. Trial and error with each of these kids does seem to be required. Good luck finding some tools that work with your girl - there are lots of good suggestions on this thread already.

This is very interesting. One of my kids seems to do better with counting because for him it’s basically the same as giving a warning to stop bad behavior - and yes I do the whole redirect etc. it often would remind him that there will be consequences for behavior. What I learned with having three, still young, kids, is they absolutely each require a different approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try "No Bad Kids" by Lansbury. it completely changed the way I dealt with my 3 year old and we were all happier.

Firm boundaries and knowing when a toddler can NOT make the right choice were key for me in keeping from getting too frustrated. Sometimes they CAN NOT make a choice. You must do it for them, but hold the boundary in a kind yet firm way. No timers, no countdowns, no time outs. Next time, you learn to head it off before it gets to meltdown stage.

Can you give an example of this? Helpful

She really does a much better job explaining it than I do, I'd poke around here: https://www.janetlansbury.com/category/toddlers-preschoolers/

But basically, if you know it's getting time to leave the park, you have to stop expecting cheery compliance if you KNOW it's a sticking point. Countdowns only add stress "we're leaving in 10 minutes, now 5 minutes! Now 1 minutes! LET'S GO!". 3 year olds don't know minutes, so this doesn't make sense. Instead, you make sure you are leaving before they are completely DONE with their own regulation. Then you help them leave. "Ok Cindy, time to go, lets say good bye to the slide" or "lets race to the car". If they refuse, you can empathize, but you hold your boundary. "I know it's hard to leave the park" while leading them away. If they get more upset, you may need to scoop them up. "You are really upset about leaving today!". Try to leave out the "but it's time" or "we can come back" or other bargaining things we tend to do with kids. We think it softens things, but it can make kids feel like they aren't being heard.

Also she has thist advice about being close to them and gently guiding them physically that I found really worked. If you stand on the edge of the playground and expect them to come to you, they often get stuck in a battle of wills. So go to them, on their level, take their hand in a calm way, and just guide them out. Gentle physical presence works wonders with young kid. Much more effective than words.

thanks, I will check this out -- this all sounds insightful. I definitely do the "bargaining" phrases and that is a good flag to eliminate.

This is a good approach. Teacher of 3 year olds here. I ask a child to do something, “ it’s time to go to the bathroom”. If they do not do it, I ask one or 2 more times, then I say, “do you need help? I can help! “. And then I come over and physically guide them to the bathroom. When I say, “do you need help”, my tone is friendly and upbeat— it’s not a threat or sarcastic.

When the child doesn’t listen, that is my cue to gently physically guide them to do what I’m asking. I keep in mind that kids this age are impulsive, and their impulses often get the better of them. No threats, no bargaining.

Also, give them choices, where both choices work for you: “do you want to put it away now, or in 2 minutes? “. They pick 2 minutes, and I can spare the 2 minutes, and they feel more in control.

[Anonymous]

Love Janet Lansbury/No Bad Kids. It is a very short and easy read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm another big fan of Janet Lansbury's.

If you post specific issues, I can try to give examples of how she might recommend you respond.

OP. Specific issues:

- protesting when getting dressed; refusing to choose an item when offered choices.

- refusing to try a new food (when previously was an adventurous and enthusiastic eater)

- standing still and refusing to walk with me but also refusing to be carried

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm another big fan of Janet Lansbury's.

If you post specific issues, I can try to give examples of how she might recommend you respond.

OP. Specific issues:

- protesting when getting dressed; refusing to choose an item when offered choices.

- refusing to try a new food (when previously was an adventurous and enthusiastic eater)

- standing still and refusing to walk with me but also refusing to be carried

Read the book - it’s short and addresses 1 and 3.

For 2, there’s nothing wrong with refusing a food - they will do that and you just ignore it.