None of my usual behavior tools work now that DD is 3. What works for your 3yo?

[Anonymous]

Giving choices, setting timers, etc. None of my tantrum-prevention tools work on my new "threenager." She is an only child, so first time going through this stage. 2.5-3 was a dream; very little meltdowns unless we absolutely set her up for failure (overstimulation without a nap, etc.). What works for yours? I would love to actually enjoy my child's company again, as I was starting to do.

I have had some luck with giving her a job/making her a helper, but that doesn't always apply to every behavior challenge.

Time-outs sort of work, but I'd really like to avoid that being the first-line solution (hard to implement in public and only happen AFTER the meltdown/incident has gotten bad).

[Anonymous]

Immediate consequences. If DD is not going where I need her to go, I pick her up (after a warning) and carry her kicking and screaming. If she is hitting something/me with a toy, I take it away if she doesn't stop. Since she knows that is a consequence she often complies based on the warning.

But if she is sleep deprived and/or constipated we know a meltdown is likely in the cards.

[Anonymous]

I loved this book when our DD (also an only) hit that phase: https://www.amazon.com/Your-Three-Year-Old-Louise-Bates-Ames-ebook/dp/B006RKWPOQ

[Anonymous]

You have to be consistent - every time no matter what.

Talk about expectations beforehand. Be willing to leave the playground, grocery store, library, etc., immediately if she is warned and does not make adjustments.

You may feel like you look like a crazy person, but any other parent will totally understand and it may only take a time or 2 for your child to learn to listen.

And at home, immediate consequences. Throw a toy, the tow gets put out of reach for the rest of the day. Period. Kick mom? No treat, dessert, or whatever is the thing the child wants most.

[Anonymous]

Try "No Bad Kids" by Lansbury. it completely changed the way I dealt with my 3 year old and we were all happier.

Firm boundaries and knowing when a toddler can NOT make the right choice were key for me in keeping from getting too frustrated. Sometimes they CAN NOT make a choice. You must do it for them, but hold the boundary in a kind yet firm way. No timers, no countdowns, no time outs. Next time, you learn to head it off before it gets to meltdown stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try "No Bad Kids" by Lansbury. it completely changed the way I dealt with my 3 year old and we were all happier.

Firm boundaries and knowing when a toddler can NOT make the right choice were key for me in keeping from getting too frustrated. Sometimes they CAN NOT make a choice. You must do it for them, but hold the boundary in a kind yet firm way. No timers, no countdowns, no time outs. Next time, you learn to head it off before it gets to meltdown stage.

Can you give an example of this? Helpful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I loved this book when our DD (also an only) hit that phase: https://www.amazon.com/Your-Three-Year-Old-Louise-Bates-Ames-ebook/dp/B006RKWPOQ

Looked at a sample and the behavior she describes as disregulated 3.5-yo behavior is spot-on for what I'm seeing at 3. Completely relate to the passages about the child asserting her will in a new way and meltdowns interspersed with adorably affectionate behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try "No Bad Kids" by Lansbury. it completely changed the way I dealt with my 3 year old and we were all happier.

Firm boundaries and knowing when a toddler can NOT make the right choice were key for me in keeping from getting too frustrated. Sometimes they CAN NOT make a choice. You must do it for them, but hold the boundary in a kind yet firm way. No timers, no countdowns, no time outs. Next time, you learn to head it off before it gets to meltdown stage.

Can you give an example of this? Helpful

She really does a much better job explaining it than I do, I'd poke around here: https://www.janetlansbury.com/category/toddlers-preschoolers/

But basically, if you know it's getting time to leave the park, you have to stop expecting cheery compliance if you KNOW it's a sticking point. Countdowns only add stress "we're leaving in 10 minutes, now 5 minutes! Now 1 minutes! LET'S GO!". 3 year olds don't know minutes, so this doesn't make sense. Instead, you make sure you are leaving before they are completely DONE with their own regulation. Then you help them leave. "Ok Cindy, time to go, lets say good bye to the slide" or "lets race to the car". If they refuse, you can empathize, but you hold your boundary. "I know it's hard to leave the park" while leading them away. If they get more upset, you may need to scoop them up. "You are really upset about leaving today!". Try to leave out the "but it's time" or "we can come back" or other bargaining things we tend to do with kids. We think it softens things, but it can make kids feel like they aren't being heard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try "No Bad Kids" by Lansbury. it completely changed the way I dealt with my 3 year old and we were all happier.

Firm boundaries and knowing when a toddler can NOT make the right choice were key for me in keeping from getting too frustrated. Sometimes they CAN NOT make a choice. You must do it for them, but hold the boundary in a kind yet firm way. No timers, no countdowns, no time outs. Next time, you learn to head it off before it gets to meltdown stage.

Can you give an example of this? Helpful

She really does a much better job explaining it than I do, I'd poke around here: https://www.janetlansbury.com/category/toddlers-preschoolers/

But basically, if you know it's getting time to leave the park, you have to stop expecting cheery compliance if you KNOW it's a sticking point. Countdowns only add stress "we're leaving in 10 minutes, now 5 minutes! Now 1 minutes! LET'S GO!". 3 year olds don't know minutes, so this doesn't make sense. Instead, you make sure you are leaving before they are completely DONE with their own regulation. Then you help them leave. "Ok Cindy, time to go, lets say good bye to the slide" or "lets race to the car". If they refuse, you can empathize, but you hold your boundary. "I know it's hard to leave the park" while leading them away. If they get more upset, you may need to scoop them up. "You are really upset about leaving today!". Try to leave out the "but it's time" or "we can come back" or other bargaining things we tend to do with kids. We think it softens things, but it can make kids feel like they aren't being heard.

Also she has thist advice about being close to them and gently guiding them physically that I found really worked. If you stand on the edge of the playground and expect them to come to you, they often get stuck in a battle of wills. So go to them, on their level, take their hand in a calm way, and just guide them out. Gentle physical presence works wonders with young kid. Much more effective than words.

[Anonymous]

It may be time to try cash bribes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try "No Bad Kids" by Lansbury. it completely changed the way I dealt with my 3 year old and we were all happier.

Firm boundaries and knowing when a toddler can NOT make the right choice were key for me in keeping from getting too frustrated. Sometimes they CAN NOT make a choice. You must do it for them, but hold the boundary in a kind yet firm way. No timers, no countdowns, no time outs. Next time, you learn to head it off before it gets to meltdown stage.

Can you give an example of this? Helpful

She really does a much better job explaining it than I do, I'd poke around here: https://www.janetlansbury.com/category/toddlers-preschoolers/

But basically, if you know it's getting time to leave the park, you have to stop expecting cheery compliance if you KNOW it's a sticking point. Countdowns only add stress "we're leaving in 10 minutes, now 5 minutes! Now 1 minutes! LET'S GO!". 3 year olds don't know minutes, so this doesn't make sense. Instead, you make sure you are leaving before they are completely DONE with their own regulation. Then you help them leave. "Ok Cindy, time to go, lets say good bye to the slide" or "lets race to the car". If they refuse, you can empathize, but you hold your boundary. "I know it's hard to leave the park" while leading them away. If they get more upset, you may need to scoop them up. "You are really upset about leaving today!". Try to leave out the "but it's time" or "we can come back" or other bargaining things we tend to do with kids. We think it softens things, but it can make kids feel like they aren't being heard.

Also she has thist advice about being close to them and gently guiding them physically that I found really worked. If you stand on the edge of the playground and expect them to come to you, they often get stuck in a battle of wills. So go to them, on their level, take their hand in a calm way, and just guide them out. Gentle physical presence works wonders with young kid. Much more effective than words.

thanks, I will check this out -- this all sounds insightful. I definitely do the "bargaining" phrases and that is a good flag to eliminate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may be time to try cash bribes.

LOL...if only... she has no concept of what money is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try "No Bad Kids" by Lansbury. it completely changed the way I dealt with my 3 year old and we were all happier.

Firm boundaries and knowing when a toddler can NOT make the right choice were key for me in keeping from getting too frustrated. Sometimes they CAN NOT make a choice. You must do it for them, but hold the boundary in a kind yet firm way. No timers, no countdowns, no time outs. Next time, you learn to head it off before it gets to meltdown stage.

Can you give an example of this? Helpful

She really does a much better job explaining it than I do, I'd poke around here: https://www.janetlansbury.com/category/toddlers-preschoolers/

But basically, if you know it's getting time to leave the park, you have to stop expecting cheery compliance if you KNOW it's a sticking point. Countdowns only add stress "we're leaving in 10 minutes, now 5 minutes! Now 1 minutes! LET'S GO!". 3 year olds don't know minutes, so this doesn't make sense. Instead, you make sure you are leaving before they are completely DONE with their own regulation. Then you help them leave. "Ok Cindy, time to go, lets say good bye to the slide" or "lets race to the car". If they refuse, you can empathize, but you hold your boundary. "I know it's hard to leave the park" while leading them away. If they get more upset, you may need to scoop them up. "You are really upset about leaving today!". Try to leave out the "but it's time" or "we can come back" or other bargaining things we tend to do with kids. We think it softens things, but it can make kids feel like they aren't being heard.

My #1 protip with leaving something fun is to plan to stay at least an hour. It is a PITA but I do prioritize outdoor time every day. It mitigates other bad behavior at home.

[Anonymous]

Yes, the more exercise and outdoor time the better, even in bad weather...with appropriate clothes of course! Indoor swimming is a lifesaver in the winter because it tires them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, the more exercise and outdoor time the better, even in bad weather...with appropriate clothes of course! Indoor swimming is a lifesaver in the winter because it tires them out.

I have been wondering if this was part of the problem. We have skipped our usual hour of post-daycare playground time lately because of the colder weather and early sunsets. Maybe we could find a lit playground. -OP