Spouse yells and loses his temper with 3 yo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can find gentle language in a time that isn’t stressful- help him understand she is very young and doesn’t always understand how to do things or why it’s important. We forget little kids are still learning how to be here. Also that she’s an entire person with feelings, not just a responsibility. Parenting young children can be frustrating and difficult especially when we’re toggling between what we need to do/accomplish on a schedule and their actual processing speed.

It also might be helpful to leave more time for transitions, let them know in 5 minutes we’re getting dressed, would you like to pick out your clothes or should I, and if your child finds it helpful to narrate what you’re doing and what’s next.

+1. I am a mom and have a temper. I think the "leave him!!! Don't let him alone with your kid!" responses are extreme. He probably just needs to reframe and rethink some of his strategies. The bolded advice is VERY good because the key with kids this age and frustrating behaviors is to set them up for success. If you can *prevent* the tantrum it's much better than addressing it ex-post. I have had great success with iPhone timers for transitions (leaving playground, etc.), giving choices, and giving them a job. It's annoying for kids to "help" with chores, I get it, but it saves us SO many tantrums. Toddlers love to help and keeping them busy and engaged prevents them from being destructive.

If your kid is absolutely melting down and it sets him off I find it helpful to use language that reminds me that I am the adult and I am in control of my reactions: e.g., "I am not going to let you kick me."

And you need a safe word of sorts when he is getting too angry and needs to pause, stop talking and preferably leave the room.

Thanks - these are helpful tips.

This PP here. Yw. I'm still a work in progress but vastly improved. If your DH is triggered by the same stuff I am, it will likely get better and better as the child gets older and easier to handle. I will say, please don't push your limits on # of kids. I knew I had to stop at one child when I realized how short my fuse was re: parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Handling a child roughly a few times is not considered abuse. People need to get a grip. I was abused as a child.

Having stated that, your DH is having a hard time with a toddler. This normally happens when parents are tired and stressed, and just can't deal with a young child who doesn't listen, which is normal behavior for a child obviously.

Your DH needs to take a step back and learn more patience with children.

Children don't come with a manual. So, we as parents need to adapt and learn to be better parents, but that doesn't mean your DH is abusive.

What a load of absolute horse crap !!!

Handling a 3 year child roughly once is abuse--let alone multiple times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can find gentle language in a time that isn’t stressful- help him understand she is very young and doesn’t always understand how to do things or why it’s important. We forget little kids are still learning how to be here. Also that she’s an entire person with feelings, not just a responsibility. Parenting young children can be frustrating and difficult especially when we’re toggling between what we need to do/accomplish on a schedule and their actual processing speed.

It also might be helpful to leave more time for transitions, let them know in 5 minutes we’re getting dressed, would you like to pick out your clothes or should I, and if your child finds it helpful to narrate what you’re doing and what’s next.

+1. I am a mom and have a temper. I think the "leave him!!! Don't let him alone with your kid!" responses are extreme. He probably just needs to reframe and rethink some of his strategies. The bolded advice is VERY good because the key with kids this age and frustrating behaviors is to set them up for success. If you can *prevent* the tantrum it's much better than addressing it ex-post. I have had great success with iPhone timers for transitions (leaving playground, etc.), giving choices, and giving them a job. It's annoying for kids to "help" with chores, I get it, but it saves us SO many tantrums. Toddlers love to help and keeping them busy and engaged prevents them from being destructive.

If your kid is absolutely melting down and it sets him off I find it helpful to use language that reminds me that I am the adult and I am in control of my reactions: e.g., "I am not going to let you kick me."

And you need a safe word of sorts when he is getting too angry and needs to pause, stop talking and preferably leave the room.

Thanks - these are helpful tips.

This PP here. Yw. I'm still a work in progress but vastly improved. If your DH is triggered by the same stuff I am, it will likely get better and better as the child gets older and easier to handle. I will say, please don't push your limits on # of kids. I knew I had to stop at one child when I realized how short my fuse was re: parenting.

OP here - totally. We are one and done. I wanted more initially but I know it would be a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

The ok to wear pjs out is good advice as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can find gentle language in a time that isn’t stressful- help him understand she is very young and doesn’t always understand how to do things or why it’s important. We forget little kids are still learning how to be here. Also that she’s an entire person with feelings, not just a responsibility. Parenting young children can be frustrating and difficult especially when we’re toggling between what we need to do/accomplish on a schedule and their actual processing speed.

It also might be helpful to leave more time for transitions, let them know in 5 minutes we’re getting dressed, would you like to pick out your clothes or should I, and if your child finds it helpful to narrate what you’re doing and what’s next.

+1. I am a mom and have a temper. I think the "leave him!!! Don't let him alone with your kid!" responses are extreme. He probably just needs to reframe and rethink some of his strategies. The bolded advice is VERY good because the key with kids this age and frustrating behaviors is to set them up for success. If you can *prevent* the tantrum it's much better than addressing it ex-post. I have had great success with iPhone timers for transitions (leaving playground, etc.), giving choices, and giving them a job. It's annoying for kids to "help" with chores, I get it, but it saves us SO many tantrums. Toddlers love to help and keeping them busy and engaged prevents them from being destructive.

If your kid is absolutely melting down and it sets him off I find it helpful to use language that reminds me that I am the adult and I am in control of my reactions: e.g., "I am not going to let you kick me."

And you need a safe word of sorts when he is getting too angry and needs to pause, stop talking and preferably leave the room.

Thanks - these are helpful tips.

This PP here. Yw. I'm still a work in progress but vastly improved. If your DH is triggered by the same stuff I am, it will likely get better and better as the child gets older and easier to handle. I will say, please don't push your limits on # of kids. I knew I had to stop at one child when I realized how short my fuse was re: parenting.

OP here - totally. We are one and done. I wanted more initially but I know it would be a bad idea.

Excellent. You will thank yourself when you have money and time and sanity left over for vacations, etc. Speaking of which: Make sure DH gets a break frequently, both with you as a couple and by himself, preferably involving some kind of hobby or exercise. And you should both have friends. I've found that complaining to DH about mom stuff is not nearly as effective as doing so with fellow mom friends. If he starts maintaining friendships with other dads it may be a positive influence or at least a mood-boosting outlet. My anger got a LOT better when we started doing regular dates and hanging out with friends more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can find gentle language in a time that isn’t stressful- help him understand she is very young and doesn’t always understand how to do things or why it’s important. We forget little kids are still learning how to be here. Also that she’s an entire person with feelings, not just a responsibility. Parenting young children can be frustrating and difficult especially when we’re toggling between what we need to do/accomplish on a schedule and their actual processing speed.

It also might be helpful to leave more time for transitions, let them know in 5 minutes we’re getting dressed, would you like to pick out your clothes or should I, and if your child finds it helpful to narrate what you’re doing and what’s next.

+1. I am a mom and have a temper. I think the "leave him!!! Don't let him alone with your kid!" responses are extreme. He probably just needs to reframe and rethink some of his strategies. The bolded advice is VERY good because the key with kids this age and frustrating behaviors is to set them up for success. If you can *prevent* the tantrum it's much better than addressing it ex-post. I have had great success with iPhone timers for transitions (leaving playground, etc.), giving choices, and giving them a job. It's annoying for kids to "help" with chores, I get it, but it saves us SO many tantrums. Toddlers love to help and keeping them busy and engaged prevents them from being destructive.

If your kid is absolutely melting down and it sets him off I find it helpful to use language that reminds me that I am the adult and I am in control of my reactions: e.g., "I am not going to let you kick me."

And you need a safe word of sorts when he is getting too angry and needs to pause, stop talking and preferably leave the room.

Thanks - these are helpful tips.

This PP here. Yw. I'm still a work in progress but vastly improved. If your DH is triggered by the same stuff I am, it will likely get better and better as the child gets older and easier to handle. I will say, please don't push your limits on # of kids. I knew I had to stop at one child when I realized how short my fuse was re: parenting.

OP here - totally. We are one and done. I wanted more initially but I know it would be a bad idea.

Excellent. You will thank yourself when you have money and time and sanity left over for vacations, etc. Speaking of which: Make sure DH gets a break frequently, both with you as a couple and by himself, preferably involving some kind of hobby or exercise. And you should both have friends. I've found that complaining to DH about mom stuff is not nearly as effective as doing so with fellow mom friends. If he starts maintaining friendships with other dads it may be a positive influence or at least a mood-boosting outlet. My anger got a LOT better when we started doing regular dates and hanging out with friends more.

Thanks again, I agree with all of this and it's helpful to hear. We have not had nearly enough dates for a variety of reasons and I need to get organized on that. He is actually better about having friends than I am, but I am trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can find gentle language in a time that isn’t stressful- help him understand she is very young and doesn’t always understand how to do things or why it’s important. We forget little kids are still learning how to be here. Also that she’s an entire person with feelings, not just a responsibility. Parenting young children can be frustrating and difficult especially when we’re toggling between what we need to do/accomplish on a schedule and their actual processing speed.

It also might be helpful to leave more time for transitions, let them know in 5 minutes we’re getting dressed, would you like to pick out your clothes or should I, and if your child finds it helpful to narrate what you’re doing and what’s next.

+1. I am a mom and have a temper. I think the "leave him!!! Don't let him alone with your kid!" responses are extreme. He probably just needs to reframe and rethink some of his strategies. The bolded advice is VERY good because the key with kids this age and frustrating behaviors is to set them up for success. If you can *prevent* the tantrum it's much better than addressing it ex-post. I have had great success with iPhone timers for transitions (leaving playground, etc.), giving choices, and giving them a job. It's annoying for kids to "help" with chores, I get it, but it saves us SO many tantrums. Toddlers love to help and keeping them busy and engaged prevents them from being destructive.

If your kid is absolutely melting down and it sets him off I find it helpful to use language that reminds me that I am the adult and I am in control of my reactions: e.g., "I am not going to let you kick me."

And you need a safe word of sorts when he is getting too angry and needs to pause, stop talking and preferably leave the room.

Thanks - these are helpful tips.

This PP here. Yw. I'm still a work in progress but vastly improved. If your DH is triggered by the same stuff I am, it will likely get better and better as the child gets older and easier to handle. I will say, please don't push your limits on # of kids. I knew I had to stop at one child when I realized how short my fuse was re: parenting.

OP here - totally. We are one and done. I wanted more initially but I know it would be a bad idea.

Excellent. You will thank yourself when you have money and time and sanity left over for vacations, etc. Speaking of which: Make sure DH gets a break frequently, both with you as a couple and by himself, preferably involving some kind of hobby or exercise. And you should both have friends. I've found that complaining to DH about mom stuff is not nearly as effective as doing so with fellow mom friends. If he starts maintaining friendships with other dads it may be a positive influence or at least a mood-boosting outlet. My anger got a LOT better when we started doing regular dates and hanging out with friends more.

We are talking about a grown man exhibiting anger and hostility toward an innocent 3 year old child.

[Anonymous]

My DH was similar but not to that extent. He really didn't have any baby/baby toddler experience before our kids and toddlers/preschoolers are NOT his cup of tea. He would fight battles that DID NOT MATTER. Like, sleep in your damn clothes kid no one will get hurt. And he'd be determined to wrestle them into pjs. Or they'd want to lay on the hallway floor and spread all their books out vs reading in their reading nook and he'd try to redirect them back to it. The nuances of toddler world just did not make sense to him. Once I drove it though that I was a calmer parent because I do not push things that don't matter, he finally had a wake up call. Like no, we do not have to fight for 20 minutes about wearing the rain boots instead of the snow books. They're both water proof, it's not too cold out, WHO CARES.

Once our oldest hit 4yo, he's a fricken ROCK STAR dad and is actually better at a lot of things than I am- pretending, crafting, more athletic.

Another trick I have up my sleeve is when I want to yell, I whisper. The kids have to quiet down to hear what I'm saying or they think it's hilarious and we all end up laughing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can find gentle language in a time that isn’t stressful- help him understand she is very young and doesn’t always understand how to do things or why it’s important. We forget little kids are still learning how to be here. Also that she’s an entire person with feelings, not just a responsibility. Parenting young children can be frustrating and difficult especially when we’re toggling between what we need to do/accomplish on a schedule and their actual processing speed.

It also might be helpful to leave more time for transitions, let them know in 5 minutes we’re getting dressed, would you like to pick out your clothes or should I, and if your child finds it helpful to narrate what you’re doing and what’s next.

+1. I am a mom and have a temper. I think the "leave him!!! Don't let him alone with your kid!" responses are extreme. He probably just needs to reframe and rethink some of his strategies. The bolded advice is VERY good because the key with kids this age and frustrating behaviors is to set them up for success. If you can *prevent* the tantrum it's much better than addressing it ex-post. I have had great success with iPhone timers for transitions (leaving playground, etc.), giving choices, and giving them a job. It's annoying for kids to "help" with chores, I get it, but it saves us SO many tantrums. Toddlers love to help and keeping them busy and engaged prevents them from being destructive.

If your kid is absolutely melting down and it sets him off I find it helpful to use language that reminds me that I am the adult and I am in control of my reactions: e.g., "I am not going to let you kick me."

And you need a safe word of sorts when he is getting too angry and needs to pause, stop talking and preferably leave the room.

Thanks - these are helpful tips.

This PP here. Yw. I'm still a work in progress but vastly improved. If your DH is triggered by the same stuff I am, it will likely get better and better as the child gets older and easier to handle. I will say, please don't push your limits on # of kids. I knew I had to stop at one child when I realized how short my fuse was re: parenting.

OP here - totally. We are one and done. I wanted more initially but I know it would be a bad idea.

Excellent. You will thank yourself when you have money and time and sanity left over for vacations, etc. Speaking of which: Make sure DH gets a break frequently, both with you as a couple and by himself, preferably involving some kind of hobby or exercise. And you should both have friends. I've found that complaining to DH about mom stuff is not nearly as effective as doing so with fellow mom friends. If he starts maintaining friendships with other dads it may be a positive influence or at least a mood-boosting outlet. My anger got a LOT better when we started doing regular dates and hanging out with friends more.

We are talking about a grown man exhibiting anger and hostility toward an innocent 3 year old child.

Toddlers are frustrating, even for the best of us. This issue will never be resolved without empathy and understanding, including for the adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very serious. Keep that man away from your child. He is an abusive parent who will cause your daughter to suffer from life-long emotional scars which are likely to affect her relationships with others.

+1

[Anonymous]

There’s a lot of great advice in this thread. I will add that time outs aren’t just for children. When I was feeling extremely irritable, I would give myself a timeout to cool down. Let’s say I had just told my kids not to run around the kitchen island, but they did and they knocked a glass bowl to the floor and I now have shattered glass to clean up. Instead of screaming at them, I get them out of the kitchen, away from the broken glass, tell them they have to stay in the playroom while I clean up for safety reasons, then instead of immediately cleaning up, I take a 5-10 minute breather. Play music, lay down and take a few deep breaths, just clear my head. I can scold/discipline them later, when the mess is gone and I’m calm.

Another thing I’d do is to give them an unmistakable warning if I’m losing my patience. Little kids are not nearly as good as adults at reading social cues and noticing your frustration rising. Instead of screaming the 3rd or 4th time I’m telling them to do something, I tell them gently the first time, then firmly (but not loudly) the second time, calling attention to the fact that this is the second time. That usually works, but if I have to tell them a third time, I flat out tell them that this is the final time Nice Mommy is going to talk to them, and that if they don’t comply right now, Mean Mommy will have a word with them. There’s never been a 4th time, but if there is, I won’t feel bad about raising my voice because it wouldn’t seemingly come out of left field for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Handling a child roughly a few times is not considered abuse. People need to get a grip. I was abused as a child.

Having stated that, your DH is having a hard time with a toddler. This normally happens when parents are tired and stressed, and just can't deal with a young child who doesn't listen, which is normal behavior for a child obviously.

Your DH needs to take a step back and learn more patience with children.

Children don't come with a manual. So, we as parents need to adapt and learn to be better parents, but that doesn't mean your DH is abusive.

What a load of absolute horse crap !!!

Handling a 3 year child roughly once is abuse--let alone multiple times.

Your post is the one full of horsesh1t. Go report "rough handling" of a child a few times to CPS and see what they say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very serious. Keep that man away from your child. He is an abusive parent who will cause your daughter to suffer from life-long emotional scars which are likely to affect her relationships with others.

+1

wow, you guys are serious snowflakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can find gentle language in a time that isn’t stressful- help him understand she is very young and doesn’t always understand how to do things or why it’s important. We forget little kids are still learning how to be here. Also that she’s an entire person with feelings, not just a responsibility. Parenting young children can be frustrating and difficult especially when we’re toggling between what we need to do/accomplish on a schedule and their actual processing speed.

It also might be helpful to leave more time for transitions, let them know in 5 minutes we’re getting dressed, would you like to pick out your clothes or should I, and if your child finds it helpful to narrate what you’re doing and what’s next.

+1. I am a mom and have a temper. I think the "leave him!!! Don't let him alone with your kid!" responses are extreme. He probably just needs to reframe and rethink some of his strategies. The bolded advice is VERY good because the key with kids this age and frustrating behaviors is to set them up for success. If you can *prevent* the tantrum it's much better than addressing it ex-post. I have had great success with iPhone timers for transitions (leaving playground, etc.), giving choices, and giving them a job. It's annoying for kids to "help" with chores, I get it, but it saves us SO many tantrums. Toddlers love to help and keeping them busy and engaged prevents them from being destructive.

If your kid is absolutely melting down and it sets him off I find it helpful to use language that reminds me that I am the adult and I am in control of my reactions: e.g., "I am not going to let you kick me."

And you need a safe word of sorts when he is getting too angry and needs to pause, stop talking and preferably leave the room.

Thanks - these are helpful tips.

This PP here. Yw. I'm still a work in progress but vastly improved. If your DH is triggered by the same stuff I am, it will likely get better and better as the child gets older and easier to handle. I will say, please don't push your limits on # of kids. I knew I had to stop at one child when I realized how short my fuse was re: parenting.

OP here - totally. We are one and done. I wanted more initially but I know it would be a bad idea.

Excellent. You will thank yourself when you have money and time and sanity left over for vacations, etc. Speaking of which: Make sure DH gets a break frequently, both with you as a couple and by himself, preferably involving some kind of hobby or exercise. And you should both have friends. I've found that complaining to DH about mom stuff is not nearly as effective as doing so with fellow mom friends. If he starts maintaining friendships with other dads it may be a positive influence or at least a mood-boosting outlet. My anger got a LOT better when we started doing regular dates and hanging out with friends more.

We are talking about a grown man exhibiting anger and hostility toward an innocent 3 year old child.

Toddlers are frustrating, even for the best of us. This issue will never be resolved without empathy and understanding, including for the adult.

I am a parent. And, no, no understanding is needed as an excuse for an adult engaging in the abuse of an innocent 3 year old child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can find gentle language in a time that isn’t stressful- help him understand she is very young and doesn’t always understand how to do things or why it’s important. We forget little kids are still learning how to be here. Also that she’s an entire person with feelings, not just a responsibility. Parenting young children can be frustrating and difficult especially when we’re toggling between what we need to do/accomplish on a schedule and their actual processing speed.

It also might be helpful to leave more time for transitions, let them know in 5 minutes we’re getting dressed, would you like to pick out your clothes or should I, and if your child finds it helpful to narrate what you’re doing and what’s next.

+1. I am a mom and have a temper. I think the "leave him!!! Don't let him alone with your kid!" responses are extreme. He probably just needs to reframe and rethink some of his strategies. The bolded advice is VERY good because the key with kids this age and frustrating behaviors is to set them up for success. If you can *prevent* the tantrum it's much better than addressing it ex-post. I have had great success with iPhone timers for transitions (leaving playground, etc.), giving choices, and giving them a job. It's annoying for kids to "help" with chores, I get it, but it saves us SO many tantrums. Toddlers love to help and keeping them busy and engaged prevents them from being destructive.

If your kid is absolutely melting down and it sets him off I find it helpful to use language that reminds me that I am the adult and I am in control of my reactions: e.g., "I am not going to let you kick me."

And you need a safe word of sorts when he is getting too angry and needs to pause, stop talking and preferably leave the room.

Thanks - these are helpful tips.

This PP here. Yw. I'm still a work in progress but vastly improved. If your DH is triggered by the same stuff I am, it will likely get better and better as the child gets older and easier to handle. I will say, please don't push your limits on # of kids. I knew I had to stop at one child when I realized how short my fuse was re: parenting.

OP here - totally. We are one and done. I wanted more initially but I know it would be a bad idea.

Excellent. You will thank yourself when you have money and time and sanity left over for vacations, etc. Speaking of which: Make sure DH gets a break frequently, both with you as a couple and by himself, preferably involving some kind of hobby or exercise. And you should both have friends. I've found that complaining to DH about mom stuff is not nearly as effective as doing so with fellow mom friends. If he starts maintaining friendships with other dads it may be a positive influence or at least a mood-boosting outlet. My anger got a LOT better when we started doing regular dates and hanging out with friends more.

We are talking about a grown man exhibiting anger and hostility toward an innocent 3 year old child.

You are reading a lot into a situation you were not part of, PP. It sounds from the OP's post like her husband gets frustrated with developmentally appropriate but frustrating behavior and has a hard time keeping his temper. This doesn't equate to "anger and hostility" so much as "frustration" and it sounds like the husband is aware that those feelings need to be managed better. I have worked in child welfare and am against physical discipline ethically, but what the OP is describing sounds like a parent who needs education and support, not for anyone to come with the thunder and turn him into some abusive monster he really doesn't show any actual signs of being.