Any hope extremely challenging elderly parent will become nicer with brain deterioration?

[Anonymous]

Wish I could reassure you, OP, but it was rough with my mom. Like you, we had previously had a very good relationship, but illness and worsening dementia turned her into a hostile, paranoid, bitter person. She died a few months ago after several years of misery (for her and for me). I do not miss the person she became, but I do miss the person she used to be. I was the child who lived near her so I got the worst of it compared to my siblings, but her death hit me less hard, I think b/c I have been grieving for several years over losing the person she once was.

Only comfort I can offer: she had a severe stroke, and after a brief and hopeless stint in rehab she went into hospice care at very good local nursing home. After the stroke she was much less combative- even said, "I love you" spontaneously a few times. She knew she was dying. It was both heartbreaking and wonderful to see my loving mother back, in her final weeks.

best wishes and hugs, This is hard.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. My mom is in the moderate stages of Alzheimer's, and while she is still difficult and demanding, she is no longer mean or bitter. SSRIs have helped, and I think her memory loss actually prevents her from holding on to such a long list of grievances. She's much more in the moment now. I'll take it. Hope it gets better for you.

[Anonymous]

OP you’ve described my relationship with my mom before Alzheimer’s set in. Now she is not full of rage and resentment and negativity, but it’s not clear she understands me and I don’t understand her. So I actually miss when we could still communicate, as draining as that was most of the time. At least there was an exchange of some sort.

When I walk past elderly people who are independent, I think to myself, good for them, and I hope they keep their faculties as long as possible. Because my mom is now basically like a zombie.

Before late stage Alzheimer’s, she was much kinder and conciliatory and I appreciate that brief window when she was like that.

I know it’s so difficult to have a parent like that, but if I were you I’d try to let all that negativity wash past you and focus on what you appreciate about her while she still has her memory. But I can understand if that’s just not possible. My mom really could find all my triggers. Best luck to you and everyone going through this.

[Anonymous]

My mom doesn’t have dementia but is starting to slip a little. She’s gotten easier in her old age because her anxiety triggers have mostly gone away—she just can’t clean constantly so isn’t as concerned someone is going to upset the clean she worked so hard to achieve (plus her eyesights going so she just doesn’t see the dirt!), she’s less worried about the right thing to wear since it’s so much easier to wear slides and pull on capris etc.

[Anonymous]

Or the same situation but my mom who was so emotional and periodically angry was the sweetest beginning about 2 years into an Alzheimer’s diagnosis. She wasn’t angry or mean to me at all ever but certainly a handful for others. But a couple of years into Alzheimer’s soothed the rough edges. So I think there is hope for you OP!

[Anonymous]

My mom got nicer when she had dementia -- she could still be stubborn and there is no way I could have taken care of her, but overall she got sweeter and less judgmental. She keeps saying how proud she is of me and my sibling, which is something she never ever said when she was healthy because her standards were so high (she had a cousin who won a Nobel price so that was the standard against which we were all judged when she was healthy).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom got nicer when she had dementia -- she could still be stubborn and there is no way I could have taken care of her, but overall she got sweeter and less judgmental. She keeps saying how proud she is of me and my sibling, which is something she never ever said when she was healthy because her standards were so high (she had a cousin who won a Nobel price so that was the standard against which we were all judged when she was healthy).

OP here. This does give me hope. My mom is chronically dissatisfied and has unattainable standards. It would be nice if she could appreciate us even briefly. The only thing that takes away some of that hope is I think everyone in her family became abusive with decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Or the same situation but my mom who was so emotional and periodically angry was the sweetest beginning about 2 years into an Alzheimer’s diagnosis. She wasn’t angry or mean to me at all ever but certainly a handful for others. But a couple of years into Alzheimer’s soothed the rough edges. So I think there is hope for you OP!

Thanks and thanks to everyone who posted. Every ray of hope helps.

[Anonymous]

So far, the person's temper is just as bad, but the triggers are less predictable. However, the person expresses remorse asks forgiveness. That never happened before. I think there are more extreme emotions and they are harder to regulate.