How to help brother with ASD child

[Anonymous]

Remember your SIL too! Ask both parents how he’s doing and give them space to update, cent about IEP/insurance/latest behavior. Sometimes people get so awkward taking about kids with SN, but it’s such a big part of the parents’ lives, and if they want to talk about it, it’s so helpful and healthy to have people who listen and seem interested.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, the best thing you can do is love his kid. Don’t be “tolerant” or “accepting” or “inclusive.” Be the president of his fan club. Ask about him, celebrate his accomplishments, cultivate a relationship with him. My siblings all try to be supportive but none of them really treat my kid like the other nieces and nephews.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the best thing you can do is love his kid. Don’t be “tolerant” or “accepting” or “inclusive.” Be the president of his fan club. Ask about him, celebrate his accomplishments, cultivate a relationship with him. My siblings all try to be supportive but none of them really treat my kid like the other nieces and nephews.

Yes this. My oldest is not on the spectrum but has some SN that make certain circumstances very difficult. My parents have been amazing at cheerfully putting up with the limitations our family has and just really loving my kids. I can tell my dad doesn’t always know what to do but he tries really really hard and my kids feel how much he loves them. And my mom is fabulous - wants to know every detail of every appointment and IEP meeting and recognizes my DC strengths while normalizing and sympathizing with my own struggles with it all. The listening and the loving are really key. I’m so thankful. My ILs and brothers try but they can’t seem to see past the challenges the same way and are ok with not “clicking” with that child as much, which is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do some research/ gather some resources and send them to him. Things like
www.wrightslaw.com
www.pathfindersforautism.com
Yellow pages for kids (on wrights law website)

He should know that his insurance might cover ABA services with an autism diagnosis. He should look into birth-3 or child find services. He should know to hire an advocate or lawyer for all IEP meetings.

I’d just present all the information you find without comment like here are some helpful resources. Early intervention is the best thing parents can do. Unfortunately many don’t do it, if you can push for that gently go for it, especially ABA.

THIS

[Anonymous]

Tell him to get early intervention stat! There’s no time to waste! Hurry hurry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to get early intervention stat! There’s no time to waste! Hurry hurry!

What makes you think they’re not already doing this?

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar boat, except I also have 2 kids with SN although milder. My nephew is not yet speaking much.

We do a lot of traveling to see them for the holidays and to keep routines in place. We stay in hotels and visit their house so that everyone has spaces to retreat to if needed. I do a lot of coaching/ answering basic questions for our parents in terms of what to expect based on info Inget from my brother. That gives them space to say unhelpful things like “shouldn’t he be *** by now” without my brother and sister in law having to put up with that. (This is at my brother’s request.)

I have also tried to visit with their family with just me. When my kids or parents are there, I am busy managing those interactions. I want to know my nephew and for him to know me outside of the chaos of big family visits. So this looks like me traveling to them whenever I can and just hanging out while they do their regular activities. This is earned me a nickname from my nephew that is in his communication device. I am jellybean since I once brought him purple jellybeans. ( If he had another sibling I would want to spend separate time with them too.)

It means a lot to me that my nephew will sit next to me when I visit. I sometimes get a high five or a hug too. It has taken time to build that relationship, so I encourage you to invest that time if possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar boat, except I also have 2 kids with SN although milder. My nephew is not yet speaking much.

We do a lot of traveling to see them for the holidays and to keep routines in place. We stay in hotels and visit their house so that everyone has spaces to retreat to if needed. I do a lot of coaching/ answering basic questions for our parents in terms of what to expect based on info Inget from my brother. That gives them space to say unhelpful things like “shouldn’t he be *** by now” without my brother and sister in law having to put up with that. (This is at my brother’s request.)

I have also tried to visit with their family with just me. When my kids or parents are there, I am busy managing those interactions. I want to know my nephew and for him to know me outside of the chaos of big family visits. So this looks like me traveling to them whenever I can and just hanging out while they do their regular activities. This is earned me a nickname from my nephew that is in his communication device. I am jellybean since I once brought him purple jellybeans. ( If he had another sibling I would want to spend separate time with them too.)

It means a lot to me that my nephew will sit next to me when I visit. I sometimes get a high five or a hug too. It has taken time to build that relationship, so I encourage you to invest that time if possible.

You sound so awesome. I wish my brothers were this interested in either my my NT or my SN kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar boat, except I also have 2 kids with SN although milder. My nephew is not yet speaking much.

We do a lot of traveling to see them for the holidays and to keep routines in place. We stay in hotels and visit their house so that everyone has spaces to retreat to if needed. I do a lot of coaching/ answering basic questions for our parents in terms of what to expect based on info Inget from my brother. That gives them space to say unhelpful things like “shouldn’t he be *** by now” without my brother and sister in law having to put up with that. (This is at my brother’s request.)

I have also tried to visit with their family with just me. When my kids or parents are there, I am busy managing those interactions. I want to know my nephew and for him to know me outside of the chaos of big family visits. So this looks like me traveling to them whenever I can and just hanging out while they do their regular activities. This is earned me a nickname from my nephew that is in his communication device. I am jellybean since I once brought him purple jellybeans. ( If he had another sibling I would want to spend separate time with them too.)

It means a lot to me that my nephew will sit next to me when I visit. I sometimes get a high five or a hug too. It has taken time to build that relationship, so I encourage you to invest that time if possible.

You sound like a wonderful sister and I love that your nephew's name for you is jellybean. I am so grateful for my sister who runs similar interference with my unhelpful and judgmental parents.

[Anonymous]

OP here. These responses are so helpful--thank you all! So many good suggestions here. I'm already thinking about what I can do when we see them over the holidays and how to support my brother from a distance in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar boat, except I also have 2 kids with SN although milder. My nephew is not yet speaking much.

We do a lot of traveling to see them for the holidays and to keep routines in place. We stay in hotels and visit their house so that everyone has spaces to retreat to if needed. I do a lot of coaching/ answering basic questions for our parents in terms of what to expect based on info Inget from my brother. That gives them space to say unhelpful things like “shouldn’t he be *** by now” without my brother and sister in law having to put up with that. (This is at my brother’s request.)

I have also tried to visit with their family with just me. When my kids or parents are there, I am busy managing those interactions. I want to know my nephew and for him to know me outside of the chaos of big family visits. So this looks like me traveling to them whenever I can and just hanging out while they do their regular activities. This is earned me a nickname from my nephew that is in his communication device. I am jellybean since I once brought him purple jellybeans. ( If he had another sibling I would want to spend separate time with them too.)

It means a lot to me that my nephew will sit next to me when I visit. I sometimes get a high five or a hug too. It has taken time to build that relationship, so I encourage you to invest that time if possible.

You sound like a wonderful sister and I love that your nephew's name for you is jellybean. I am so grateful for my sister who runs similar interference with my unhelpful and judgmental parents.

OP here. Did you ask your sister to run interference or did it just sort of happen? Sounds like the first PP's brother asked her to play that role, but I'm curious how it came about for you. My brother hasn't asked me to do anything like that yet, but our family tends to be judgmental and uninformed about many things and my brother has already made comments to be about how he expects to hear a bunch of criticism when he shares his child's diagnosis (he hasn't told anyone else yet). I'd gladly run interference for my brother if he wants me to, but I don't know if he'd ever come out and ask me to do so. I'm trying to stay in my lane while also being as supportive as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do some research/ gather some resources and send them to him. Things like
www.wrightslaw.com
www.pathfindersforautism.com
Yellow pages for kids (on wrights law website)

He should know that his insurance might cover ABA services with an autism diagnosis. He should look into birth-3 or child find services. He should know to hire an advocate or lawyer for all IEP meetings.

I’d just present all the information you find without comment like here are some helpful resources. Early intervention is the best thing parents can do. Unfortunately many don’t do it, if you can push for that gently go for it, especially ABA.

All this information was presented to us by our clinical team when we got the ASD diagnosis for our 2-year old.

I’ve worked with too many parents that don’t understand this information until the child is much older. There’s a small window of time to really make progress, it’s basically before age 7. After that the rate of progress decreases significantly in my experience. I would make sure my family had knowledge of these basic resources, one cannot assume it’s already been provided.

Why do people always say this? Kids can learn just as fast after 7. Neuroplasticity has been proven to last long into young adulthood. It’s not something that ends in childhood

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar boat, except I also have 2 kids with SN although milder. My nephew is not yet speaking much.

We do a lot of traveling to see them for the holidays and to keep routines in place. We stay in hotels and visit their house so that everyone has spaces to retreat to if needed. I do a lot of coaching/ answering basic questions for our parents in terms of what to expect based on info Inget from my brother. That gives them space to say unhelpful things like “shouldn’t he be *** by now” without my brother and sister in law having to put up with that. (This is at my brother’s request.)

I have also tried to visit with their family with just me. When my kids or parents are there, I am busy managing those interactions. I want to know my nephew and for him to know me outside of the chaos of big family visits. So this looks like me traveling to them whenever I can and just hanging out while they do their regular activities. This is earned me a nickname from my nephew that is in his communication device. I am jellybean since I once brought him purple jellybeans. ( If he had another sibling I would want to spend separate time with them too.)

It means a lot to me that my nephew will sit next to me when I visit. I sometimes get a high five or a hug too. It has taken time to build that relationship, so I encourage you to invest that time if possible.

You sound like a wonderful sister and I love that your nephew's name for you is jellybean. I am so grateful for my sister who runs similar interference with my unhelpful and judgmental parents.

OP here. Did you ask your sister to run interference or did it just sort of happen? Sounds like the first PP's brother asked her to play that role, but I'm curious how it came about for you. My brother hasn't asked me to do anything like that yet, but our family tends to be judgmental and uninformed about many things and my brother has already made comments to be about how he expects to hear a bunch of criticism when he shares his child's diagnosis (he hasn't told anyone else yet). I'd gladly run interference for my brother if he wants me to, but I don't know if he'd ever come out and ask me to do so. I'm trying to stay in my lane while also being as supportive as possible.

Let your brother and your wife tell the rest of your family themselves. You do not “run interference” for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar boat, except I also have 2 kids with SN although milder. My nephew is not yet speaking much.

We do a lot of traveling to see them for the holidays and to keep routines in place. We stay in hotels and visit their house so that everyone has spaces to retreat to if needed. I do a lot of coaching/ answering basic questions for our parents in terms of what to expect based on info Inget from my brother. That gives them space to say unhelpful things like “shouldn’t he be *** by now” without my brother and sister in law having to put up with that. (This is at my brother’s request.)

I have also tried to visit with their family with just me. When my kids or parents are there, I am busy managing those interactions. I want to know my nephew and for him to know me outside of the chaos of big family visits. So this looks like me traveling to them whenever I can and just hanging out while they do their regular activities. This is earned me a nickname from my nephew that is in his communication device. I am jellybean since I once brought him purple jellybeans. ( If he had another sibling I would want to spend separate time with them too.)

It means a lot to me that my nephew will sit next to me when I visit. I sometimes get a high five or a hug too. It has taken time to build that relationship, so I encourage you to invest that time if possible.

You sound like a wonderful sister and I love that your nephew's name for you is jellybean. I am so grateful for my sister who runs similar interference with my unhelpful and judgmental parents.

OP here. Did you ask your sister to run interference or did it just sort of happen? Sounds like the first PP's brother asked her to play that role, but I'm curious how it came about for you. My brother hasn't asked me to do anything like that yet, but our family tends to be judgmental and uninformed about many things and my brother has already made comments to be about how he expects to hear a bunch of criticism when he shares his child's diagnosis (he hasn't told anyone else yet). I'd gladly run interference for my brother if he wants me to, but I don't know if he'd ever come out and ask me to do so. I'm trying to stay in my lane while also being as supportive as possible.

Let your brother and your wife tell the rest of your family themselves. You do not “run interference” for them.

*his wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar boat, except I also have 2 kids with SN although milder. My nephew is not yet speaking much.

We do a lot of traveling to see them for the holidays and to keep routines in place. We stay in hotels and visit their house so that everyone has spaces to retreat to if needed. I do a lot of coaching/ answering basic questions for our parents in terms of what to expect based on info Inget from my brother. That gives them space to say unhelpful things like “shouldn’t he be *** by now” without my brother and sister in law having to put up with that. (This is at my brother’s request.)

I have also tried to visit with their family with just me. When my kids or parents are there, I am busy managing those interactions. I want to know my nephew and for him to know me outside of the chaos of big family visits. So this looks like me traveling to them whenever I can and just hanging out while they do their regular activities. This is earned me a nickname from my nephew that is in his communication device. I am jellybean since I once brought him purple jellybeans. ( If he had another sibling I would want to spend separate time with them too.)

It means a lot to me that my nephew will sit next to me when I visit. I sometimes get a high five or a hug too. It has taken time to build that relationship, so I encourage you to invest that time if possible.

You sound like a wonderful sister and I love that your nephew's name for you is jellybean. I am so grateful for my sister who runs similar interference with my unhelpful and judgmental parents.

OP here. Did you ask your sister to run interference or did it just sort of happen? Sounds like the first PP's brother asked her to play that role, but I'm curious how it came about for you. My brother hasn't asked me to do anything like that yet, but our family tends to be judgmental and uninformed about many things and my brother has already made comments to be about how he expects to hear a bunch of criticism when he shares his child's diagnosis (he hasn't told anyone else yet). I'd gladly run interference for my brother if he wants me to, but I don't know if he'd ever come out and ask me to do so. I'm trying to stay in my lane while also being as supportive as possible.

It sounds like it might be a stressful conversation with your parents.
You may want to ask your brother if he wants to do a conference call - and you can pre-plan with questions that set the tone and cut-off the criticism / questions that come off as critical and you can chime in immediately with comments to be supportive.