How to help brother with ASD child
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Anonymous
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My 3 year old nephew was recently diagnosed with ASD, Level 3 (social communication) and Level 2 (restrictive behaviors). The diagnosis is not entirely surprising but my brother and SIL are understandably overwhelmed right now. They shared the diagnosis with me, but no other family members yet. I’ve tried to do some research for my own understanding to be better prepared in case my brother wants to discuss anything (including what I should NOT say to them, even if well-intentioned), but he has not wanted to discuss it much just yet which is understandable. I’ve let him know I’m here to listen if they want to talk. I’m not sure what else to say or how to help at this point. We don’t live near each other, so I can’t offer to babysit either of their kids (they also have a 5 year old) and our families only see each other about 4-5 times per year. I’m trying to find a way to be supportive and helpful without asking a million questions or making unhelpful comments/suggestions.
How can I best help and support them right now? Any suggestions on what to do, or what NOT to do, are appreciated. |
Anonymous
| Just be involved with them as you are now and to the extent possible, treat the 3 YO nephew the same as the 5 YO. If he has special interests, let him tell you about them. Maybe learn about them as well. As with all kids, respect if he doesn’t want hugs or doesn’t greet you in the way you expect. If he only eats three foods, don’t comment on it other than to ask what you can have at your house for his visits. Follow your brother’s lead; if he is excited about something his son has learned, be excited with him, even if developmentally, his son is “late” in leaning it. And no unsolicited advice! |
Anonymous
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Moving forward - think about how to do holidays / family events in a way that best supports them.
Does it mean they are more low key events - start at different times - are always at their home. Ask them what would be easiest on their family. How you might be able to do family trips considering their needs. For a family with a child with special needs, it can become isolating as there may be a lot of stress with these activities (non-routine) and having extra hands to enable them to do something with an older child can be really supportive. |
Anonymous
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Be a sounding board for your brother. Sometimes it can be really isolating to be a parent with a special needs child and he'll need someone to cry/vent/scream/laugh/celebrate with.
Completely agree about the no unsolicited advice. A sibling of mine sent an article about developmental trajectories when my child was very young. The sibling meant for it to be positive like look your child these grocery stores will hire adults with intellectual disabilities but it wasn't something I was prepared to think about when my child was three and I didn't talk to my sibling for two years after that. |
Anonymous
| When you do see their family offer to be the one that travels more often if that's a possibility. Also offer to babysit when you are there so your brother and sister and law can have a night out. Some families have a difficult time finding babysitters and they never go out or only do it a few times a year. |
Anonymous
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Do some research/ gather some resources and send them to him. Things like
www.wrightslaw.com www.pathfindersforautism.com Yellow pages for kids (on wrights law website) He should know that his insurance might cover ABA services with an autism diagnosis. He should look into birth-3 or child find services. He should know to hire an advocate or lawyer for all IEP meetings. I’d just present all the information you find without comment like here are some helpful resources. Early intervention is the best thing parents can do. Unfortunately many don’t do it, if you can push for that gently go for it, especially ABA. |
Anonymous
All this information was presented to us by our clinical team when we got the ASD diagnosis for our 2-year old. |
Anonymous
Oh my god, please don’t do that. So patronizing. Like, you think I can’t do my own research! I’ve been researching this sh!t for years! |
Anonymous
I’ve worked with too many parents that don’t understand this information until the child is much older. There’s a small window of time to really make progress, it’s basically before age 7. After that the rate of progress decreases significantly in my experience. I would make sure my family had knowledge of these basic resources, one cannot assume it’s already been provided. |
Anonymous
DO NOT DO THIS. Unless they ask you to do so. |
Anonymous
If they are seeing professionals then OP needs to stay in their lane. |
Anonymous
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Right now your brother is processing a new diagnosis. Do not send them information - do not recommend resources - do not say "I was reading X, y, z and they said ..."
Right now your brother needs someone to listen and not judge. |
Anonymous
No no no |
Anonymous
+1000 |
Anonymous
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The good news is that you get to be supportive just by being a good aunt and sister! Showing up and creating family ties is so important. Being a safe haven where they know they can always get out into the world but not have to worry as much.
I think the best thing you can do is prioritize visit and creating family traditions. On an ongoing basis, read about how to connect with kids on the spectrum and help them feel at ease at your house. All kids are different but eventually you’ll also have some sense about how to bond with your nephew - it may be crafts, talking about a special interest, a favorite show, physical play. |