Bad Influences — how to limit interactions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will always be dealing with some version of this. You can’t prevent it. You just have to make sure you are dealing with your child’s behavior to the extent that behavior is unsatisfactory to you. I mean, really, that is the problem - that your child is not behaving in a way that it ok and that your child is so impressionable that it’s reached a problem point.

+1 this exactly.

+2

I can't believe how many posters are saying avoid this kid. That's not a long term solution. If your kid is influenced by others, you have to teach your child what behavior is ok/not ok. You can't just avoid the kids you don't like forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will always be dealing with some version of this. You can’t prevent it. You just have to make sure you are dealing with your child’s behavior to the extent that behavior is unsatisfactory to you. I mean, really, that is the problem - that your child is not behaving in a way that it ok and that your child is so impressionable that it’s reached a problem point.

+1 this exactly.

+2

I can't believe how many posters are saying avoid this kid. That's not a long term solution. If your kid is influenced by others, you have to teach your child what behavior is ok/not ok. You can't just avoid the kids you don't like forever.

+3

[Anonymous]

Depending on the behavior (how outlandish it is) the process you are going through right now IS the way teach her not to copy other people’s nevative behavior. Of course it’s annoying for you, but much of parenting - repeating the same thing ad nauseum, imposing consequences, etc, is annoying. Removing negative influences isn’t the answer, since we can’t control all influences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your kid is the bad influence, here. Stop blaming other kids for your kid's behavior.

We did not start having these issues with her until she started spending time more time with this kid, which is what caused me to pay closer attention to their interactions. Since that time and as we’ve had more interactions with the parents, the kid’s parents have made more than a few comments about their kid’s behavioral issues. We just didn’t know in the beginning that the kid was having behavioral problems in school and in other settings. We are plenty hard on our DD about her behavior and I certainly don’t look to blame other people’s kids, which is why we’ve allowed her to continue this friendship. But it is becoming a major problem in our home life now, so it’s enough until my DD can get to a point where she’s less impressionable.

Speaking from past experiences wherein I wish I had a do over with this exact situation, end it, end it now. I did not need to explain why, I should have just done it and regret to this day the influence this kid left on my DD's life. You as a parent do not need permission to end it.

Thank you for saying this. I really appreciate it. This is what my gut has been telling me to do because I can see the downward spiral already, but I guess I’ve been hesitating in the hopes that she might sort it out and that I wouldn’t have to be the “bad guy” by ending it. But I need to trust that she will understand the why in time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your kid is the bad influence, here. Stop blaming other kids for your kid's behavior.

We did not start having these issues with her until she started spending time more time with this kid, which is what caused me to pay closer attention to their interactions. Since that time and as we’ve had more interactions with the parents, the kid’s parents have made more than a few comments about their kid’s behavioral issues. We just didn’t know in the beginning that the kid was having behavioral problems in school and in other settings. We are plenty hard on our DD about her behavior and I certainly don’t look to blame other people’s kids, which is why we’ve allowed her to continue this friendship. But it is becoming a major problem in our home life now, so it’s enough until my DD can get to a point where she’s less impressionable.

Speaking from past experiences wherein I wish I had a do over with this exact situation, end it, end it now. I did not need to explain why, I should have just done it and regret to this day the influence this kid left on my DD's life. You as a parent do not need permission to end it.

Thank you for saying this. I really appreciate it. This is what my gut has been telling me to do because I can see the downward spiral already, but I guess I’ve been hesitating in the hopes that she might sort it out and that I wouldn’t have to be the “bad guy” by ending it. But I need to trust that she will understand the why in time.

That's possible, but not very likely. Even as adults, we see the unfairness of our parents' actions.

[Anonymous]

I understand you don’t want to give specifics. Is it something like she is being sassy to you or to a coach or activity leader? And, she is also doing this at home to you and your DH? How old is your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depending on the behavior (how outlandish it is) the process you are going through right now IS the way teach her not to copy other people’s nevative behavior. Of course it’s annoying for you, but much of parenting - repeating the same thing ad nauseum, imposing consequences, etc, is annoying. Removing negative influences isn’t the answer, since we can’t control all influences.

This. I don’t know how old the kids are, but this is something that will come up again and again, and you need to DEAL. Not just avoid it. Your kid isn’t perfect and whatever influence this other girl is having is because your daughter is a willing and interested student.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand you don’t want to give specifics. Is it something like she is being sassy to you or to a coach or activity leader? And, she is also doing this at home to you and your DH? How old is your child?

It’s her at-home behavior, so the way she interacts with DH and me and her sibling. Thankfully, it is not behavior that she’s displayed while interacting with other adults in other settings. But I assume that’s a matter of time if it isn’t corrected now. She’s 9.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will always be dealing with some version of this. You can’t prevent it. You just have to make sure you are dealing with your child’s behavior to the extent that behavior is unsatisfactory to you. I mean, really, that is the problem - that your child is not behaving in a way that it ok and that your child is so impressionable that it’s reached a problem point.

+1 this exactly.

+2

I can't believe how many posters are saying avoid this kid. That's not a long term solution. If your kid is influenced by others, you have to teach your child what behavior is ok/not ok. You can't just avoid the kids you don't like forever.

+3

-1

[Anonymous]

She is entering the tween years.

My mom thought my best friend when I was 10-11 was a bad influence. This was when we started experimenting with make up, had crushes on boys, etc. I was actually the bad influence, not my friend but my mom always blamed my friend for my changing behavior. We ended up moving when I was 12.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you don’t want to give specifics. Is it something like she is being sassy to you or to a coach or activity leader? And, she is also doing this at home to you and your DH? How old is your child?

It’s her at-home behavior, so the way she interacts with DH and me and her sibling. Thankfully, it is not behavior that she’s displayed while interacting with other adults in other settings. But I assume that’s a matter of time if it isn’t corrected now. She’s 9.

I don’t think you can blame her friend for her home behavior.

[Anonymous]

I have an 11yo boy. He has a lot of friends and there is behavior that I don’t like. Sometimes I will catch my DS behaving a certain way or say something inappropriate and I correct it right away. He is generally more moody as well.

He has friends who just don’t seem to listen to their parents. Others are disrespectful and have poor manners. Ds has one friend who constantly says how he doesn’t learn anything at school. I just use them as teaching moments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an 11yo boy. He has a lot of friends and there is behavior that I don’t like. Sometimes I will catch my DS behaving a certain way or say something inappropriate and I correct it right away. He is generally more moody as well.

He has friends who just don’t seem to listen to their parents. Others are disrespectful and have poor manners. Ds has one friend who constantly says how he doesn’t learn anything at school. I just use them as teaching moments.

Me again. My son has activities with some boys with poor behavior. I don’t encourage hanging out more than at school and activity. Sometimes ds asks if Johnny can come over and I say no because of X behavior. I then yell ds not to do that or else other parents won’t want ds over either.

[Anonymous]

*tell, not yell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you don’t want to give specifics. Is it something like she is being sassy to you or to a coach or activity leader? And, she is also doing this at home to you and your DH? How old is your child?

It’s her at-home behavior, so the way she interacts with DH and me and her sibling. Thankfully, it is not behavior that she’s displayed while interacting with other adults in other settings. But I assume that’s a matter of time if it isn’t corrected now. She’s 9.

I don’t think you can blame her friend for her home behavior.

I disagree. Her overall personality has changed and it’s now eerily similar to the girl’s who she has been spending time with — the tone, the mannerisms, etc. She is, however, smart enough to know not to get sassy in public.