Bad Influences — how to limit interactions?

[Anonymous]

My DD has become friends with a kid who I don’t think is a great influence based on my observations of this child in various settings. The problem is that I obviously can’t control who she hangs out with during school and before realizing the child’s behavior is not great, we signed DD up for a couple of the same activities outside of school. She was excited about having a friend to do things with. They aren’t year round activities, so there is an end point, but it feels like that time can’t come fast enough. We have had so many conversations with our DD about her behavior and good and bad influences and making choices etc. I’m exhausted. This child still seems to be rubbing off on her. Do I just need to ride this out and once the activities are over make sure we limit non-school interaction? Will this friendship fade or will I have to deal with this for the rest of elementary school? I know there’s always potential for another similar friendship to come along. But she’s friends with other sweet girls and I just wish she would focus more of her attention on them instead of this one person who is very sassy and has a queen bee type personality. DD is 9 years old. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

You will always be dealing with some version of this. You can’t prevent it. You just have to make sure you are dealing with your child’s behavior to the extent that behavior is unsatisfactory to you. I mean, really, that is the problem - that your child is not behaving in a way that it ok and that your child is so impressionable that it’s reached a problem point.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely don't sign her up for more things with this kid, and keep talking with her about her behavior. But also, facilitate friendships with other kids with better behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will always be dealing with some version of this. You can’t prevent it. You just have to make sure you are dealing with your child’s behavior to the extent that behavior is unsatisfactory to you. I mean, really, that is the problem - that your child is not behaving in a way that it ok and that your child is so impressionable that it’s reached a problem point.

+1 this exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD has become friends with a kid who I don’t think is a great influence based on my observations of this child in various settings. The problem is that I obviously can’t control who she hangs out with during school and before realizing the child’s behavior is not great, we signed DD up for a couple of the same activities outside of school. She was excited about having a friend to do things with. They aren’t year round activities, so there is an end point, but it feels like that time can’t come fast enough. We have had so many conversations with our DD about her behavior and good and bad influences and making choices etc. I’m exhausted. This child still seems to be rubbing off on her. Do I just need to ride this out and once the activities are over make sure we limit non-school interaction? Will this friendship fade or will I have to deal with this for the rest of elementary school? I know there’s always potential for another similar friendship to come along. But she’s friends with other sweet girls and I just wish she would focus more of her attention on them instead of this one person who is very sassy and has a queen bee type personality. DD is 9 years old. Ugh.

What activities? Can you pull her out or steer her toward other activities?

[Anonymous]

Maybe your kid is the bad influence, here. Stop blaming other kids for your kid's behavior.

[Anonymous]

Only you know how troubling the behavior is. If it goes beyond what's pretty normal for this age group, then maybe more drastic changes are in order (a rule against playdates with this child). However, that would be confusing and hard for the other child, so if it's not that egregious I'd probably focus on talking my child through the situation. How does Larla behave at school? How does she behave in activities? Is that how you want to behave?

And if a nice friend comes along, definitely do what you can to facilitate playdates with the other child instead.

Of course, in this scenario, that's probably what the other parents are doing . . . feeling thrilled that their child with worrisome behavior has latched onto a good kid likes yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your kid is the bad influence, here. Stop blaming other kids for your kid's behavior.

We did not start having these issues with her until she started spending time more time with this kid, which is what caused me to pay closer attention to their interactions. Since that time and as we’ve had more interactions with the parents, the kid’s parents have made more than a few comments about their kid’s behavioral issues. We just didn’t know in the beginning that the kid was having behavioral problems in school and in other settings. We are plenty hard on our DD about her behavior and I certainly don’t look to blame other people’s kids, which is why we’ve allowed her to continue this friendship. But it is becoming a major problem in our home life now, so it’s enough until my DD can get to a point where she’s less impressionable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD has become friends with a kid who I don’t think is a great influence based on my observations of this child in various settings. The problem is that I obviously can’t control who she hangs out with during school and before realizing the child’s behavior is not great, we signed DD up for a couple of the same activities outside of school. She was excited about having a friend to do things with. They aren’t year round activities, so there is an end point, but it feels like that time can’t come fast enough. We have had so many conversations with our DD about her behavior and good and bad influences and making choices etc. I’m exhausted. This child still seems to be rubbing off on her. Do I just need to ride this out and once the activities are over make sure we limit non-school interaction? Will this friendship fade or will I have to deal with this for the rest of elementary school? I know there’s always potential for another similar friendship to come along. But she’s friends with other sweet girls and I just wish she would focus more of her attention on them instead of this one person who is very sassy and has a queen bee type personality. DD is 9 years old. Ugh.

What activities? Can you pull her out or steer her toward other activities?

They are just one-off things like soccer (but at the rec level). My DD isn’t into it anyway, so we won’t be continuing. She loves ballet and is becoming more focused on that and it’s becoming more time consuming as well, so I think limiting future activities with this kid won’t be an issue — she doesn’t dance.

[Anonymous]

I’d tell my kid that if I see that behavior again, I’m immediately pulling her from those activities. And then I’d do exactly that.

And obviously don’t sign her up with bad kids in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD has become friends with a kid who I don’t think is a great influence based on my observations of this child in various settings. The problem is that I obviously can’t control who she hangs out with during school and before realizing the child’s behavior is not great, we signed DD up for a couple of the same activities outside of school. She was excited about having a friend to do things with. They aren’t year round activities, so there is an end point, but it feels like that time can’t come fast enough. We have had so many conversations with our DD about her behavior and good and bad influences and making choices etc. I’m exhausted. This child still seems to be rubbing off on her. Do I just need to ride this out and once the activities are over make sure we limit non-school interaction? Will this friendship fade or will I have to deal with this for the rest of elementary school? I know there’s always potential for another similar friendship to come along. But she’s friends with other sweet girls and I just wish she would focus more of her attention on them instead of this one person who is very sassy and has a queen bee type personality. DD is 9 years old. Ugh.

What activities? Can you pull her out or steer her toward other activities?

They are just one-off things like soccer (but at the rec level). My DD isn’t into it anyway, so we won’t be continuing. She loves ballet and is becoming more focused on that and it’s becoming more time consuming as well, so I think limiting future activities with this kid won’t be an issue — she doesn’t dance.

Well if she doesn’t like those activities anyway then just pull her out. It sounds like it’s more trouble than it’s worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD has become friends with a kid who I don’t think is a great influence based on my observations of this child in various settings. The problem is that I obviously can’t control who she hangs out with during school and before realizing the child’s behavior is not great, we signed DD up for a couple of the same activities outside of school. She was excited about having a friend to do things with. They aren’t year round activities, so there is an end point, but it feels like that time can’t come fast enough. We have had so many conversations with our DD about her behavior and good and bad influences and making choices etc. I’m exhausted. This child still seems to be rubbing off on her. Do I just need to ride this out and once the activities are over make sure we limit non-school interaction? Will this friendship fade or will I have to deal with this for the rest of elementary school? I know there’s always potential for another similar friendship to come along. But she’s friends with other sweet girls and I just wish she would focus more of her attention on them instead of this one person who is very sassy and has a queen bee type personality. DD is 9 years old. Ugh.

What activities? Can you pull her out or steer her toward other activities?

They are just one-off things like soccer (but at the rec level). My DD isn’t into it anyway, so we won’t be continuing. She loves ballet and is becoming more focused on that and it’s becoming more time consuming as well, so I think limiting future activities with this kid won’t be an issue — she doesn’t dance.

Well if she doesn’t like those activities anyway then just pull her out. It sounds like it’s more trouble than it’s worth.

Yes, I agree. I was having some hesitation just because it’s a team sport and they obviously expect kids who sign up to participate, but I guess sh*t happens and we should just withdraw her now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my kid that if I see that behavior again, I’m immediately pulling her from those activities. And then I’d do exactly that.

And obviously don’t sign her up with bad kids in the future.

+1 I would do this too. My DD had this issue last year in 4th grade. She was over-involved with 2 girls who ended up being a very unhealthy relationship for my daughter. I'd give your daughter the chance to show she can behave in a manner consistent with your expectations, otherwise definitely pull her from the activity. I'd also definitely make a a concerted effort to get her into activities and playdates with the other nicer girls she knows. It can only help move things in the proper direction. For our DD, what helped the process along was that the queen bee mean girl actually started being a little mean to my daughter (and trying to get the 3rd girl in the group to go along with her), so the dynamics became off. Even though my DD eventually ended up wanting to nurture other friendships and do activities sans these girls, the whole process took a while and did have some lasting impacts on my daughter's behavior and also her self-confidence/psyche. That is why I'd move quickly if I were you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD has become friends with a kid who I don’t think is a great influence based on my observations of this child in various settings. The problem is that I obviously can’t control who she hangs out with during school and before realizing the child’s behavior is not great, we signed DD up for a couple of the same activities outside of school. She was excited about having a friend to do things with. They aren’t year round activities, so there is an end point, but it feels like that time can’t come fast enough. We have had so many conversations with our DD about her behavior and good and bad influences and making choices etc. I’m exhausted. This child still seems to be rubbing off on her. Do I just need to ride this out and once the activities are over make sure we limit non-school interaction? Will this friendship fade or will I have to deal with this for the rest of elementary school? I know there’s always potential for another similar friendship to come along. But she’s friends with other sweet girls and I just wish she would focus more of her attention on them instead of this one person who is very sassy and has a queen bee type personality. DD is 9 years old. Ugh.

What activities? Can you pull her out or steer her toward other activities?

They are just one-off things like soccer (but at the rec level). My DD isn’t into it anyway, so we won’t be continuing. She loves ballet and is becoming more focused on that and it’s becoming more time consuming as well, so I think limiting future activities with this kid won’t be an issue — she doesn’t dance.

Well if she doesn’t like those activities anyway then just pull her out. It sounds like it’s more trouble than it’s worth.

Yes, I agree. I was having some hesitation just because it’s a team sport and they obviously expect kids who sign up to participate, but I guess sh*t happens and we should just withdraw her now.

Well, yes, the team does expect your DD to show up for the entire season. I suppose it's up to you whether your convenience (correcting undesired sassiness) is worth their inconvenience. Seems like it is, to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your kid is the bad influence, here. Stop blaming other kids for your kid's behavior.

We did not start having these issues with her until she started spending time more time with this kid, which is what caused me to pay closer attention to their interactions. Since that time and as we’ve had more interactions with the parents, the kid’s parents have made more than a few comments about their kid’s behavioral issues. We just didn’t know in the beginning that the kid was having behavioral problems in school and in other settings. We are plenty hard on our DD about her behavior and I certainly don’t look to blame other people’s kids, which is why we’ve allowed her to continue this friendship. But it is becoming a major problem in our home life now, so it’s enough until my DD can get to a point where she’s less impressionable.

Speaking from past experiences wherein I wish I had a do over with this exact situation, end it, end it now. I did not need to explain why, I should have just done it and regret to this day the influence this kid left on my DD's life. You as a parent do not need permission to end it.