Would you be offended if your longterm nanny said this?

[Anonymous]

I’m 14:08. Some of you people are being mean to Op. Just bc she had a nanny doesn’t mean she never cared for her kids as babies. The nanny wasn’t there 24/7. Op is still their mom. Geez. This isn’t about working vs sahm. Both the nanny and the op are working moms. No need to insult op while answering the question.

[Anonymous]

Some people just make this rule, for whatever reason. He could be the one insisting on it.

All of the offers they get after that don't matter, because they committed to stick to that rule.

It absolutely does not sound personal to me or like a reflection on your parenting/trustworthiness.You are definitely overthinking this/being too sensitive.

Congrats on finding someone who became integrated into your family and cared for your children so consistently for so long.That is precious.

[Anonymous]

It crosses a line. Blurs things. I'm a daycare provider. I would never have my clients provide care for my child. Care wise, I know they are more than capable. It just complicates the provider/client balance.

[Anonymous]

OP, you said it in your last sentence. You and your nanny have a working relationship first. She is a professional who probably likes her job and doesn’t want to mess with a good thing and she’s probably seen things go south for a nanny who blurs the lines.

She also wants to be in charge when someone else is looking after her child, just like you do. How would it affect your working relationship when she is the one giving orders on how to care for the baby? What if she had a problem with how you handled something? Would she feel comfortable saying something or would she feel she was putting her job at risk?

Sounds like she is smart for trying to draw some lines so you two can keep that working relationship going.

It’s not personal.

[Anonymous]

No, it would not bother me in the least. She said she didn't want to leave the kid with anyone. It's not specific to you. I would think it was a bit odd, and move on.

Though I wouldn't have offered to babysit for the nanny anyhow. You should read the novel Such a Fun Age. It made me realize that there will always be a work relationship with anyone you pay to have in your house. Someone in that position will never feel like they are part of your family because they aren't. There is still a power dynamic. Try to get over it, so you don't further jeopardize the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve had the same nanny since all three of my kids were infants, so she’s been with our family for a little over ten years. We love her dearly and she has made our lives doable. DH&I are in the medical field and both had incredibly demanding jobs when our kids were younger. We have no family nearby, and we needed a nanny who could become a third parent in order to both stay in our careers. We lucked out and found an amazing young, educated nanny to help us raise our boys.

When our youngest went to school full time 2021 and I transitioned to new, easier going job, she dropped down to part time. Shortly after she became pregnant with her first child. She worked throughout her pregnancy and I was home more often so we became very close. We always appreciated her, but didn’t spend tons of time together until really 2020 onward. She had her baby and we have her six months paid maternity and she returned at the beginning of summer break. We offered her to bring her infant daughter, and she has a few times but otherwise her partner (flexible hours) was watching her while nanny was with us. Nanny also said she appreciated the break, and that she felt like it was good for her partner to get solo time for baby and for her to be able to work without baby present all the time. I totally understood. I knew her anniversary with her partner was approaching in September and I know like us, she and her partner don’t have family nearby. I offered to watch her daughter (9mo) for a getwaway weekend or just an evening so they could have a date night. She declined and I initially thought she did so because she was trying to be polite or didn’t want to put us out. I told her it really wouldn’t be an issue, and that I was actually excited since my baby days are over. She seemed uncomfortable and said that she and her partner both agreed they didn’t want anyone watching their daughter till she was older. I don’t know why, but I felt deeply hurt. I understand how hard it is to leave your child. But I trusted her with all three of my boys when they were practically newborns. But she doesn’t trust me for a few hours? And I need to explain since she’s worked with us for so long, it’s not a typical nanny/family dynamic anymore. She feels like my younger sister or someone much closer. I don’t know, I felt rejected and like the entire time she’s worked for our family she’s judged our parenting. I know it’s probably more complicated and I shouldn’t take it personally. But to give someone so much trust for so long, and learn they don’t return that same trust has been really hard. I do think there are some deeper issues for me, feelings I have since I wasn’t as active when my boys were her daughters age due to work. I don’t want to put that all on her, but I do think it’s putting a strain on the working relationship at this point.

OP, she was probably being professional. Because even though the dynamic has changed over time, you are still the employer with the employer's power. She is very wise to maintain this boundary, and given your hurt feelings, I can totally see why she doesn't feel comfortable explaining this to you.

You offered. She declined. If you want to continue to employ her, let this go and be respectful of her boundaries moving forward. It is not appropriate for you to try to have a friendship or deep relationship with her while she works for you. That doesn't mean she doesn't care about you or your kids. Get therapy if you need to. Yo are really projecting all your stuff in the wrong direction, and potentially about to ruin a really lovely partnership you have with your nanny.

[Anonymous]

You need to check yourself. You pushed too hard and made this about yourself. You should have offered one time and then dropped it or simply said "well the offer stands, let me know if you change your mind." No pushing. You've created conflict and hurt feelings where there needn't be any.

Sometimes people with household staff or professional assistants forget the nature of an employment relationship. But your employee never forgets. You don't realize how little they forget. If they are very good at your job and you get along with them, and you are financially conmfortable, you may simply forget that you pay them for their time. You will separate in your head the financial aspect, which likely happens automatically and is such an established part of your budget that you don't pay it attention, from the interpersonal relationship.

They never forget. Do not try to cross those boundaries. You can be friendly, kind. But don't pretend you are just friends, or that you are family. They are there because you pay them to be there. Remind yourself of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people just make this rule, for whatever reason. He could be the one insisting on it.

All of the offers they get after that don't matter, because they committed to stick to that rule.

It absolutely does not sound personal to me or like a reflection on your parenting/trustworthiness.You are definitely overthinking this/being too sensitive.

Congrats on finding someone who became integrated into your family and cared for your children so consistently for so long.That is precious.

+1 Well said, I agree w all of the above.

[Anonymous]

This is not about you at all. New parents sometimes feel uncomfortable leaving their newborn without a parent, doesn’t matter how competent the caregiver is. Don’t push this and respect their boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I have three kids and I was a SAH mom for all three, so I have lots of experience with babies. My SIL has 8 month-old twins and she won’t leave them with me for even a few hours. I understand it. I have a lot of experience with babies, but I am out of practice. It’s her journey to figure it out. It’s not really about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve had the same nanny since all three of my kids were infants, so she’s been with our family for a little over ten years. We love her dearly and she has made our lives doable. DH&I are in the medical field and both had incredibly demanding jobs when our kids were younger. We have no family nearby, and we needed a nanny who could become a third parent in order to both stay in our careers. We lucked out and found an amazing young, educated nanny to help us raise our boys.

When our youngest went to school full time 2021 and I transitioned to new, easier going job, she dropped down to part time. Shortly after she became pregnant with her first child. She worked throughout her pregnancy and I was home more often so we became very close. We always appreciated her, but didn’t spend tons of time together until really 2020 onward. She had her baby and we have her six months paid maternity and she returned at the beginning of summer break. We offered her to bring her infant daughter, and she has a few times but otherwise her partner (flexible hours) was watching her while nanny was with us. Nanny also said she appreciated the break, and that she felt like it was good for her partner to get solo time for baby and for her to be able to work without baby present all the time. I totally understood. I knew her anniversary with her partner was approaching in September and I know like us, she and her partner don’t have family nearby. I offered to watch her daughter (9mo) for a getwaway weekend or just an evening so they could have a date night. She declined and I initially thought she did so because she was trying to be polite or didn’t want to put us out. I told her it really wouldn’t be an issue, and that I was actually excited since my baby days are over. She seemed uncomfortable and said that she and her partner both agreed they didn’t want anyone watching their daughter till she was older. I don’t know why, but I felt deeply hurt. I understand how hard it is to leave your child. But I trusted her with all three of my boys when they were practically newborns. But she doesn’t trust me for a few hours? And I need to explain since she’s worked with us for so long, it’s not a typical nanny/family dynamic anymore. She feels like my younger sister or someone much closer. I don’t know, I felt rejected and like the entire time she’s worked for our family she’s judged our parenting. I know it’s probably more complicated and I shouldn’t take it personally. But to give someone so much trust for so long, and learn they don’t return that same trust has been really hard. I do think there are some deeper issues for me, feelings I have since I wasn’t as active when my boys were her daughters age due to work. I don’t want to put that all on her, but I do think it’s putting a strain on the working relationship at this point.

I think I understand your perspective but I would let it go. Might be best to think of it as crossing work boundaries for her to let you take her baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have left my baby for a weekend....

EV—ER

[Anonymous]

Do you know infant CPR? Are your own kids going to be handling the baby? The list goes on as to how unqualified you are to babysit.
She's not going to relinquish her infant to you bc you have baby fever.

[Anonymous]

OP you were pushy. I would never have left a nine-month-old baby for a weekend with anyone, let alone my employer, and that isn’t unusual. I don’t blame her for being uncomfortable, and you pushed her to give an answer you didn’t like.

I say this as someone who employed the same nanny for nearly fifteen years. Also, I was (and am) very close to our nanny, but it’s insulting to pretend that you aren’t like an employer to her. You are always her employer. As someone said above, she never forgets that. It is demeaning to her professionalism for you to try to forget that or to minimize that relationship. Our nanny comes to every single important event in our family, every graduation and religious ceremony. She will be at my kids’ weddings, she will be at every major event for the rest of our lives, I think. We think that world of her, and she reciprocates. But that doesn’t mean she wasn’t our employee for all that time.

[Anonymous]

Even though she has a ton of experience- it’s with YOUR kids, and it was a job.

Now she’s a new mom and feeling protective. She clearly isn’t doing life the way you did, bringing in someone else to help parent. So she is different from you, but also a brand new mom. Maybe eventually she will realize the beautiful gift you were offering her, but right now she isn’t ready to accept it.

Be a little hurt- quietly— but then chalk it up to new parenting. 😊