Support for father who is having trouble dealing with child with SN

[Anonymous]

OP,
I suggested couples therapy. Let's call it family therapy. It sounds to me like you have watched him treat your son like this for five years and only recently spoke up. I think you should met with a professional. I'd explore: Why are you tolerating this? How can he change? This is plenty for therapy. Again, consider it family therapy.

[Anonymous]

"and very much a "baby" (cries easily, scared of lots of things, has strong view and fears about trying things"

OP: You got great advice here, especially those who observed that the different temperaments are also an issue.

A few thoughts: I was my father's favorite child. He once admitted it shouldn't be that way - that my only brother should be his favorite - because fathers really need to love their sons the most. I remember being very shocked by this open admission of a real truth in our family (we were in our late teens) and how upset my father was that he felt he did not love my brother more. That father-son bond is really essential. It sounds like the conversation with your DH was very painful. But your bringing this up as an issue now is good, because it allows your DH and your whole family to move in a new direction.

Separately: My DS was very like your DS. I once took him on an outing with other families to the Rollingcrest splash pool at age 5. It was a real challenge to him, but I was gentle and firm in pushing him to deal with splashy water. Another parent said he would never push his kid the way he saw me doing that (his son was swimming like a fish and loving it), but my DS, as scared as he was, trusted me. Gentleness wins trust. Trust inspires courage. Your husband needs to tap into real gentleness with your son to gain his trust. He might then find your DS more willing to try new things when he knows he has dad at his back. In a way, your husband has some growing to do too.

(DS finally asked for a pair of goggles, practiced a lot in the bathtub and is now an excellent swimmer.)

[Anonymous]

New poster here. OP, would you mind telling me what your child's SN are? I see the same issues/traits in my 3 year old and I am considering getting an evaluation. I do not know if he is just highly sensitive or if there is something else going on.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to everyone for responding. Just to be clear, DH and I have been talking about this for the last two of the five years my son has been alive, so it's not that I've just recently brought it up. It's just gotten worse so I am now making an "ISSUE" of it where it has been just an "issue" in the past. Sorry I haven't been clear about that.

Anyway - thanks for all the input. I have a good sense of where I want to take this now.

To the mom who said she went through this herself - thank you for sharing that. It really, really helped to read your story.

[Anonymous]

np here -- i just want to second what another poster said about floortime -- i found that going to jake at dirss and doing floortime really helped my dh connect to our sn kid where he had had trouble before. it really transformed their relationship!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to everyone for responding. Just to be clear, DH and I have been talking about this for the last two of the five years my son has been alive, so it's not that I've just recently brought it up. It's just gotten worse so I am now making an "ISSUE" of it where it has been just an "issue" in the past. Sorry I haven't been clear about that.

Anyway - thanks for all the input. I have a good sense of where I want to take this now.

To the mom who said she went through this herself - thank you for sharing that. It really, really helped to read your story.

I'm glad it helped. If you ever feel like you need someone to talk to about this, I would see Jake Greenspan at DIR Support Services (Bethesda) . I used to vent to him in consultations all the time. He gives good advice. And he might even be able to help paint a more positive picture of your son's future for your DH as he has seen many, many children probably far more impacted than yours make significant improvement.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Thanks for clarifying and bravo for making it an issue. I think it would be great to talk to someone about how to support your husband in becoming more connected to his son. Jake Greenspan might be a great start.

[Anonymous]

Someone recently said something to me that brought so much clarity and understanding to me with respect to my DS and his difficulties. Has really helped me be more patient with him.

"Try doing EVERYTHING with your left hand, instead of your right hand...that's what it's like to be a child with SN...".

everything takes longer to accomplish, they get there but it's a long journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"and very much a "baby" (cries easily, scared of lots of things, has strong view and fears about trying things"

A few thoughts: I was my father's favorite child. He once admitted it shouldn't be that way - that my only brother should be his favorite - because fathers really need to love their sons the most. I remember being very shocked by this open admission of a real truth in our family (we were in our late teens) and how upset my father was that he felt he did not love my brother more. That father-son bond is really essential. It sounds like the conversation with your DH was very painful. But your bringing this up as an issue now is good, because it allows your DH and your whole family to move in a new direction.

Honestly I find that wacky and disturbing. Since when do fathers need to love their sons more? I would agree that they may need to parent them differently from their daughters, but I don't for a second believe they need to love them more. Nor should the reverse be true that mothers need to love their daughters more. Very strange and dangerous idea there.

[Anonymous]

12:59: I am debating whether I should answer you, but will take a stab. I knew exactly where my father was coming from based on his age, religious and cultural biases.

My parents were born in the 1920s, children of the Depression, in their late teens, early 20s during WWII. Gender roles were strictly defined and expectations for behavior was to model the same-sex parent. In my ethnic group, fathers were to love and admire their sons and their accomplishments - but daughters were not given the same status.

My own female cousin who graduated summa cum laude from UVA never got her father's respect.

This has drastically changed over time and the expecations we now have for fathers and fatherhood and the way women are valued in our society is no longer the same. But fathers still have expectations for their male children and this is part of what OP is experiencing.

[Anonymous]

I read your post with tears in my eyes because I'm similar to your DH in the way I frequently treat my DS. I am ashamed of my behavior. I am often annoyed that he can't be more like his older gifted brother or younger sister. It's an unfair comparison and an unrealistic expectation. It's also a disappointment on many levels. My son is loving, athletic, and energetic. Unfortunately I don't always notice the strengths but focus on the weaknesses. Parenting is a humbling experience to say the least. Every day I remind myself of that and try to focus on the fact that my son will remember and feel things I say and do far longer than I will. I do a lot of deep breathing and walking away when I feel overwhelmed. Best of luck to you and your family. You are a great mother.