Support for father who is having trouble dealing with child with SN

[Anonymous]

So for once I am actually happy that this is an anonymous forum

My DH is struggling with having a child with SN. Our DS is simply not the child he envisioned he would have, and he is having a hard time appreciating DS and taking joy in what he does. DS is 5, very delayed and not athletic at all, a total mama's boy, and very much a "baby" (cries easily, scared of lots of things, has strong view and fears about trying things, etc). On the other hand, he is also completely delicious, funny, creative, playful, adorable - but DH doesn't seem to notice these attributes. He is always annoyed by DS, speaks to him rather harshly, very critical, not at all warm, etc. We have been struggling about this for years, esp since DH is very warm and loving with DD (who, not incidentally, does not have SN but also is a girl, so there weren't the expectations of throwing a ball around, taking to games, etc), but it has gotten much worse recently, esp as DS is getting older but still isn't at all "boyish" or capable in the ways that DH was as a child (athletic, popular, etc).

DH is smart and sensitive in many respects. He is a wonderful husband and a wonderful father to DD. But if I am honest with myself, as I have been forced to be by his behavior, he is not a wonderful father to DS. I actually told him point blank this weekend that he should hear himself and the way he speaks to DS, and that DS will never speak to him with more respect than he speaks to DS, and that is just about nil. I think it shocked us both to have me put it out there so clearly. I honestly would be afraid if something happened to me that he would not be able to deal with DS on his own.

Anyway - I feel like DH needs help -- be it in the form of a support group, a therapist, SOMEONE he can talk to. DS is sweet, doing well (relative to expectations and relative to himself), and I feel like DH is missing all this by focusing only on what he can't do and who he is not. DH's mother, to whom I am close, has also noticed the same thing and is upset about it. She wants to speak to him about it and suggest help, and I do too.

Any advice? Any available support groups? Anyone else's husbands available for a pep talk with DH (I'm only sort of kidding about this last thing)?

Any suggestions would be most welcome.
Thank you!

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. I feel so badly for what your family is going through. He must see a therapist, now! your DS notices your DH's behavior, and it will leave a permanent mark in his memory.

I have no doubt he loves him, and maybe blames himself for what is going on with your DS? just a thought.

He will get there, but he needs to talk to a pro

[Anonymous]

What did your DH say when you told him how he sounds when he speaks to your son? There is nothing more eye opening that hearing another person speak harshly and unkindly to a child. I hear it all the time in stores. Just this morning, I heard a mom in Target go on for 10 minutes to her child in another aisle. It was horrible and demeaning. When she came into my aisle, I saw a 2 and a half or 3 yr old in her shopping cart. I expected a much older child. Anyway, maybe a video or audio tape of the way he speaks to your son would help him reflect.

[Anonymous]

He needs to see a therapist. I don't think any of the other options will help. And you should probably see one as well, since you are dealing with the stress of the situation. Some professional advice for you could help your son.

One thing to point out to DH is that his behavior toward your son is very toxic to your daughter. She is watching this, is probably somewhat protective of her brother, and is also receiving the message that a sub-par child will be mistreated so she'd better not become sub-par. This is a really bad family dynamic. My SIL was in therapy for years, not because her father was abusive toward her, he wasn't, but because he was abusive toward her brother, my husband, and she grew up with that.

You are a great Mom, I can imagine how tough this is. And still, you see so much beauty in your son.

[Anonymous]

My SIL treated her daughter very badly, since a toddler. She'd yell at her if she didn't color within the lines, and she only 3 or 4. They fight over everything now that her daughter is pre-teen. It's a very very sad situation. There was never any discretion as to where she lit into her either -- it was embarressing.

So yes, you can adjust your tone because I do. When I start to sound like my mother, who often yelled and made ridiculous comments, I correct myself immediately. God, I don't want to be my mother's daughter and I work hard everyday to not be like her. So I do believe anyone can adjust their behavior. On days I don't feel connected, I fake it until I make it, which is usually the next day

Gosh OP, I feel for you. That must such a hard situation, given how special your little boy is, and your husband playing favorites. He obviously doesn't feel connected, or doesn't want to be. You have every right to want to turn this situation around because you know your little boy can feel the difference. It's like my marriages, my first husband didn't love me, and my now husband loves me to pieces, and I know and feel the difference. You sound like an incredible momma, so hang in there and hopefully he'll get the help he needs to ACCEPT your son the way he is.

[Anonymous]

PP here...I wanted to say "Accept him for who he is".

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I have the same problem with my own DD, it is often just hard that everything has to be so difficult. It has been an eyeopener since she has said - "when are you going to be nice to me again?".

[Anonymous]

This doesn't sound like trouble dealing with special needs, unless I am missing something. Because it sounds like any five year old boy could disappoint his father because he is unathletic, cries easily, doesn't take to new activities, etc. It doesn't take special needs. Same disappointment for the mom who wanted the girly girl and got the tomboy.

You say your DH was athletic and popular as a child, but most people don't remember themselves as very young children, 3-5. Their memories of athleticism and popularity are usually from the team sports era of 5th grade or so. Your DH needs to be realistic. And somebody probably worked with your DH, teaching him the rules of games. An older brother, kids on the block, a pal. Kids don't naturally learn the rules of most games all by themselves. Yes, it's easy for your DH to think your son is just too sensitive or a baby, but is he really trying to find what your son likes, or is ready for? Or is he just expecting your son to jump in and "get it" instantaneously? I find that men expect too much of boys a lot of the time.

How about a father-son league of some kind, where your DH can try to tone his expectations down a little bit, and perhaps model himself after some of other dads?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry about your situation. I know it's not easy for you. I agree with the PPs that this is not a good situation for your DS or for your DD. I, too, think you and your DH would benefit from counseling - I think it's something you should do together. Good luck - and please let us know how it goes.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. I'm in a similar situation with my son, who is 5...but the details are different. My DH was very much a quiet bookworm as a child - uninterested in sports and he preferred indoor activities. My son is loud, boisterous, and constantly on the move. I think my DH is having trouble dealing with a son who is so different. DS is on the autism spectrum and making progress, so I don't really think my DH is having trouble dealing with the special needs per se but with the very different personality. He seems to connect better with our daughter, who is more like him.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

Maybe going to a support group is a good way to start. Some people who might be reluctant to see a therapist one-on-one can still feel very comfortable with the camaraderie of a support group.

Do you mind sharing your child's diagnosis? Some support groups are diagnosis-specific, but maybe someone in this forum can help you find one.

[Anonymous]

16:24, I'm not sure if you have a child with special needs, but since OP does and and the child is delayed, a father-son athletic league would be a terrible idea. It would only be frustrating for the son and would accentuate his differences to his father. The father has to accept the child as he is, not try to transform him into his ideal -- that will never happen.

Finding another husband for a chat is not a bad idea but may come off as putting pressure on him, or embarrassing him in front of others. A support group is a good idea if it isn't going to overwhelm him -- I can see it either helping or causing him to withdraw more. Really, therapy is the best idea. For both of you.

I don't think this is a terribly unusual situation, unfortunately. Mom might actually be the one to benefit from a support group, since she would probably meet other moms in a similar situation.

[Anonymous]

I suggest couples therapy. If it's taken this long for you to raise what is clearly a troubling issue with him, I think there may be other things that are going unsaid. From there, perhaps he can do invididual therapy and/or a parenting class and you the same. Maybe support groups, too. Also, please see yourself as advocating for your son here.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the replies. The PP who mentioned that boys don't learn sports just by doing them - instead, someone has to TEACH them - is exactly what I have been saying to DH. DS may not be good at throwing a ball, but he is never going to get better if someone doesn't throw with him (I mean, someone other than the PT!!). But I do think, as another PP said, that it's also about finding things to do that are on DS's wave length...which may mean riding the metro or playing Candyland (decidedly non-athletic pursuits!).

To the PP who said we must have other issues in our marriage - actually, we don't. This is our issue. Yes, it's a big one, but fortunately, it's pretty much the only big one we're facing. As I wrote in my first posting, we've actually been dealing with it for years, so it isn't anything new. It's just that things have become worse recently, as DS is getting older chronologically but not "older" in any real sense of the word. And it's not that DH yells or anything, he just is critical and easily annoyed, and he doesn't take joy the way I do.

I do think starting with couples counseling and then hoping that he will continue with the right therapist may be the way to go. Overall, he is a great guy and had a FANTASTIC relationship with his dad (who unfortuantely died almost 10 yrs ago, as did my dad, so sadly we don't have any other males around as good role models for DH), but I thnk it bodes well for knowing how to parent well if he can get through this. I really do think that spending time with dads of other children with SN may be the way to go-- if he could see models of good fathering of a child who isn't athletic or strong, that might help.

Thanks again for the replies.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am ashamed to say you've described me and I'm the mom! DH is the most loving and accepting father. I was in shock and still have a hard time accepting DS who sounds very much like your child. DS has mild delays, but was completely unathletic, completely a mamma and daddy's boy, frightens easily, etc.. I was athletic and played many sports growing up.

BUT - you've described me from the past as I have changed a lot. DS's psychiatrist told me that if I could only stop judging him, and instead, join and accept DS, make him feel completely loved and participate in all the activities he does love, then I would see him blossom. So I swallowed my pain each day and tried to show my love to him each day and I joined him in all his quirky interests. After a few months, after I got his trust, I was able to woo him into trying certain sports such as swimming, tennis, and gymnastics. We made each game hilarious and silly and that made him want to keep playing. Now I'm finally teaching him soccer.

I would say to your DH that the more DS feels rejected by him the more he'll withdraw from DH...and he can then forget any chance DS will have to learn to enjoy sports and any chance DS will get better. That's what happened to me with my child, he completely stopped talking to me and approaching me and I felt guilty and devastated and ashamed. His issues did not improve until I was on the same page as DH and began to show him more love and play with him daily.

But now DS is interactive, joyful, warm, plays various sports, and his issues are slowly melting away. It has taken a few years but it is definitely happening.

Suggesting DH see a therapist is also a good idea so he can talk through his feelings with somebody.

Btw, we did Greenspan's floortime and worked with Jake at DIR Support Services.