Extremely anxious driver

[Anonymous]

My DD has an eye condition (nystagmus) and was very scared to drive. We paid for many hours of driving lessons during both sunup and sundown. She had a woman teacher.

My DD is the best driver in the family now. (We are on the west coast so I can't refer her, but just saying, it's helpful if they have a professional)

[Anonymous]

I like the idea of reaching out to a driving school and explaining the situation. If they sound like they are confident and have a go-to person for nervous drivers, then you're set. If not, keep calling around.

I think it might be helpful to consider therapy if that's not already happening. Not necessarily specifically because of the driving, but somewhat--anxiety needs therapeutic intervention if it's affecting daily life, which this is.

Your kid might also appreciate a reframing: sometimes anxious people take longer to get comfortable, and that's because they're super aware. That will help you in the long-run, and you will be a very safe driver. But right now we need to make sure the anxiety isn't actually making you less safe, we need to re-balance so you can be cautious but still follow the rules of the road that will make sure you (and those around you) are as safe as possible.

One more thought: If your household has another parent, have they tried taking the kid out to teach them? Our first kid had a strong preference for me teaching and our second had a strong preference for my spouse. I think there were a lot of dynamics that came into play--teaching style, sure, but also specific things about our relationships with each kid. So just in case you hadn't thought to try that, it might be worth doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to do it yourself.

why is that the best solution?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like the idea of reaching out to a driving school and explaining the situation. If they sound like they are confident and have a go-to person for nervous drivers, then you're set. If not, keep calling around.

I think it might be helpful to consider therapy if that's not already happening. Not necessarily specifically because of the driving, but somewhat--anxiety needs therapeutic intervention if it's affecting daily life, which this is.

Your kid might also appreciate a reframing: sometimes anxious people take longer to get comfortable, and that's because they're super aware. That will help you in the long-run, and you will be a very safe driver. But right now we need to make sure the anxiety isn't actually making you less safe, we need to re-balance so you can be cautious but still follow the rules of the road that will make sure you (and those around you) are as safe as possible.

One more thought: If your household has another parent, have they tried taking the kid out to teach them? Our first kid had a strong preference for me teaching and our second had a strong preference for my spouse. I think there were a lot of dynamics that came into play--teaching style, sure, but also specific things about our relationships with each kid. So just in case you hadn't thought to try that, it might be worth doing.

Thank you -

Yes, she is re-starting therapy. She has been in therapy previously (not for anxiety) and this situation made us aware that we need to revisit it. She is completely open to it.
Yes, both DH and I have taken her driving. In general she connects better with DH (they have similar personalities) and we have asked her if she prefers to go with one parent over the other (with no judgement - her brother was better driving with me than DH since we have similar personalities.) She says it wouldn't matter.

I agree that we need to harness the anxiety to make for careful decision making vs being paralyzed by it. We talked a lot about this last night with her.

Thank you, everyone.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't have any driving school recommendations but wanted to share that our DD was the same; the first couple of hours of driving, she would screech and gasp at everything. We held off for a while. Then her friends started getting their drivers licenses. She then decided that she wanted to practice driving and really set her mind to it. She is still anxious, but her confidence is growing.

I would recommend that she practice with the less anxious parent at first. When we were teaching DS, DH would airbrake and get visibly nervous, even thought he didn't think it was noticeable.

Also, we live in a neighborhood with very narrow streets such that my kids discovered that it is actually easier driving outside the neighborhood. We found that single-lane 2-way streets with double yellow lines were a lot easier than neighborhood streets and DD's confidence sent straight up. Maybe find those kinds of roads?

Finally, take lots of breaks and let her out to stretch and get some nervous energy out. I realized that DD was getting tension headaches from sitting forward and squinting from the sun, so we adjusted her seatback and put down her visor, and that helped a lot.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

May I suggest something? Just have her drive the same exact route every day, without asking her to do more than that. Just drive from point A to point B, that’s all.

Let her become familiar with that point A to B route for days/weeks before expanding it to other places. Yes, this is inconvenient but this is a strategy I learned from a psychologist who treats anxiety. This method (repetition without adding to it) builds trust and reduces anxiety. They can focus on what is at hand rather than worrying about what is around the next corner.

It’s stressful. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:May I suggest something? Just have her drive the same exact route every day, without asking her to do more than that. Just drive from point A to point B, that’s all.

Let her become familiar with that point A to B route for days/weeks before expanding it to other places. Yes, this is inconvenient but this is a strategy I learned from a psychologist who treats anxiety. This method (repetition without adding to it) builds trust and reduces anxiety. They can focus on what is at hand rather than worrying about what is around the next corner.

It’s stressful. Hang in there!

OP here - we did this in our neighborhood. 4 hours (15 min per drive) of the same route in our neighborhood. Same roads, same turns, etc. He didn't have to ask the route he would just drive it. I guess we could do it with another route, but it is leaving the neighborhood that is provoking the anxiety. He doesn't like driving the neighborhood, but he can do it. It is adding more variables to the situation (more cars/lights/etc.)

I have contacted some driving schools. We will see what happens!

[Anonymous]

Can you report back how this ends up going? You certainly have my sympathy. I have a nervous driver who I can’t even get to do what your son is doing. I’m curious to find out what ends up working!

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

OP here from a year ago.

Happy to report that after laying off driving practice a year and letting her take the lead (and get some therapy re: coping strategies for managing the driving anxiety), she is driving again! She is MUCH more confident, initiates wanting to practice, and is actually a much better driver than her brother was at this stage. She is driving on busy highly trafficked roads and managing it well.

Just being patient, not putting pressure on her, getting her professional help, and letting her mature was the right method for us/our family. I anticipate she will have a license by this winter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here from a year ago.

Happy to report that after laying off driving practice a year and letting her take the lead (and get some therapy re: coping strategies for managing the driving anxiety), she is driving again! She is MUCH more confident, initiates wanting to practice, and is actually a much better driver than her brother was at this stage. She is driving on busy highly trafficked roads and managing it well.

Just being patient, not putting pressure on her, getting her professional help, and letting her mature was the right method for us/our family. I anticipate she will have a license by this winter.

I just want to say - you are a good parent. I was a very anxious driver and when my mom was trying to teach me I made a mistake (no accident occurred or anything) and she screamed so much at me that I refused to drive for years because I was so terrified, literally until I had kids of my own and had no choice. Thank you for your patience with your child, it is a gift!!

[Anonymous]

I saw this thread and didn't realize it was old. I can tell you that my 16 year old DD was not ready, but at 17.5, she was, and now has her provisional license and is driving to school and activities on her own. I think some kids just need a bit longer to develop. I'm glad your DD is feeling better about driving!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I asked a similar question here last year. Yes, most people say “just practice”. In Virginia, we did, and saw many others, practicing at Wolf Trap (a couple big parking lots, some connecting roads). Then went out to Big suburban mall and drove around the big outside ring road (Dulles then center is perfect for this). Over and over. And continued to see if kid was willing to try one additional thing - a longer distance, a small detour, changing lanes, etc. For us, it was very slow going, I stayed very patient and eventually DD was ok enough to start the IDS sessions. We thought about professional lessons too, but I thought kid would be more anxious.

Yeah, my recommendation is get out to more exurban areas--this is not an easy area to learn to drive in.

If you go on weekends, there are a bunch of huge park and ride parking lots for the commuter buses near Dulles and in Loudoun. These are ideal because they are big, nobody uses them during the weekend and they have very clearly marked parking spots, etc. In fact, they are where they used to (not anymore) take people for the motorcycle licensing classes.

[Anonymous]

If she's anxious and scared to the point she's in tears. Get her off the road. She doesn't need to be driving, she's not ready. Wait until she's older.