priv. school non-traditional family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a single mom by choice (DC created using a donor). I attended an independent school growing up (not in DC but similar to NCS/Holton). I feel I got an excellent education. My child wont have siblings, and we are comfortable financially so can afford private.

My sister's kids attend the same school I did; she and I have talked about how it seems different than in the late 80s/90s. Overt displays of money seem to be more of a thing and, while most of our former classmates have jobs/careers, that a lot of the mom's are often stay at home.

This question is probably naive for this board but I am curious to know what people think. From a community standpoint, how would a family like DC and I fit in at area independent schools?

I find it curious you don’t want to be judged for your life choices, but you are clearly judging others for choosing to be a stay at home parent. If it matters to you, most of the stay at home parents at our big3 had very successful (stressful?) careers before choosing to stay home with their kids (lots of lawyers, lobbyists, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a single mom by choice (DC created using a donor). I attended an independent school growing up (not in DC but similar to NCS/Holton). I feel I got an excellent education. My child wont have siblings, and we are comfortable financially so can afford private.

My sister's kids attend the same school I did; she and I have talked about how it seems different than in the late 80s/90s. Overt displays of money seem to be more of a thing and, while most of our former classmates have jobs/careers, that a lot of the mom's are often stay at home.

This question is probably naive for this board but I am curious to know what people think. From a community standpoint, how would a family like DC and I fit in at area independent schools?

I find it curious you don’t want to be judged for your life choices, but you are clearly judging others for choosing to be a stay at home parent. If it matters to you, most of the stay at home parents at our big3 had very successful (stressful?) careers before choosing to stay home with their kids (lots of lawyers, lobbyists, etc.).

+1 Clearly, the judgy one doesn’t want to be judged.

[Anonymous]

Agree totally not a thing. I have known two such families and no one gave a flying fig. I was friends with both and found them absolutely amazing women, families and kids!

[Anonymous]

That said - we were not at a Catholic school. Someone will probably rail on me for saying that may not be the best choice. Independent is probably the best route. Or Episcopal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being a single mom by choice is super cool in my book. The PP who said “bought my daughter at a sperm bank” can F off. Wishing you luck.

Thanks! Yeah, I dont lead with that IRL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're fine.

Don't share the parenting thing - it is no one's business and if you shared it with me I would think you are weird and try to avoid you in the future because that was your lead-in "Hi, I'm Larla and I bought my daughter from a sperm bank" Ugh.

Just go with "Hi, I'm Larla and this is my daughter Larlette! We're so happy to meet you and be here!"

You’re not nice.

[Anonymous]

OP, Fairfax Genetics and IVF is one of the largest ( and most used) sperm banks in the world and its in the DMV.

More than half their clients are SMBC and/or lesbian. Five years later many of these women with obvious financial means are seeking the best education for their kid.

In short, you won't be the only- not in the private school and not on your block or your place of employment

In terms of sharing, while no one wants to be a poster child known for how they reproduce, you will be spending a lot of time with and becoming hopefully very friendly with many parents over your DC's 14 years in a given school among a community of maybe 80-90 families. People will ask- not in a probing way- but just normal conversation during Pre-K soccer games sideline talk, while socializing at all those PK and KDG birthday parties... all those get to know the other parents events. People will innocently ask if you are divorced or maybe bi-costal. Teachers will also ask, " is Dad in his/her life ?" or " tell us about your family" in your 1st parent teacher conference.

fwiw, they will ask the same in Public school and make the same judgements ( positive and negative) . In DC area NW Public and DC private is basically the same group of UMC, graduate degree type person.

So just have your stock answer and prepare your child because once they enter school other kids will ask " where is your dad?" Its best to be brief but upbeat. I also wouldn't worry because its very likely that you have been proceeded by a few couples of very financially successful ( and generous to the school ) 2 Dad households who basically shocked the school into the 21st Century for you- already - a decade ago.

[Anonymous]

You also asked about the perception of there being more SAHMs at Private and not fitting in as a working professional SMBC.

To that I would say that if you have a nanny pick your kid up most parents will assume you are like them: a high powered DC Atty or some such person who has your child care all arranged.

In my experience, to a woman, every SAHM I knew in Pre-K was also a lawyer or some other successful professional who was just taking a few years off while having 2 kids. Most of the other mothers in DC's PreK were 41, 42 years old . After all, this is Washington where having a baby before say age 30 is akin to being a teen mom. Everyone went to Grad school.

By the time DC entered Middle School most, if not all, those SAHMs were back to their careers- especially with tuition being 50K/ per kid but mostly just out of being naturally driven, smart and wanting to get back into their profession.

For this reason, the best time to get to know other parents is Prek- grade 4 . Even if you are working FT , don't worry your kid will be included to the B-day parties. Just show up for the weekend events and make an effort- your kid will be happier seeing you there with all of the other parents.

[Anonymous]

I’m an SMC with elementary age son at Catholic school. School community is very friendly and welcoming to all families. Son previously attended a public school and was teased several times for not having a dad (but younger kids tend to tease more). He’s never been questioned or teased at current Catholic school he’s attended for 2 years and no one has asked me how I created my family (although I’d just say “dad is not in the picture”). I don’t share that I used a donor sperm to create him, simply because it’s HIS story to tell. He’s old enough to decide what he wants to share about his life.

[Anonymous]

I, me, myself would avoid fundamentalist Christian schools and conservative Catholic schools. At liberal Catholic and regular private or public schools you may get, if any, questions about IV fertilization from people who are unfamiliar with or just curious about it.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the school.

Will there be questions or comments? Yes, but assume that it will be more between the kids and with parents who you become friends with. Can a one-parent family volunteer/be involved in the school? Yes, if you want to donate or volunteer.

I think it's more about what the culture of a school is and whether you and your child feel comfortable with it. Is the school teaching about families and relationships in age-appropriate ways, and if so, how? Is there a father-daughter dance at the school, and do you view that as a problem? Will your child feel comfortable fielding or ignoring questions? Between kids, don't assume that anything is off limits.

[Anonymous]

A single mom I know just says, "Her dad is not in the picture,".

To this day, I don't know a thing about how this kid came into the world, and I don't think it matters.

Love this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That said - we were not at a Catholic school. Someone will probably rail on me for saying that may not be the best choice. Independent is probably the best route. Or Episcopal.

We’re at a parish school and there are single or divorces families and teachers and admin. Life happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're fine.

Don't share the parenting thing - it is no one's business and if you shared it with me I would think you are weird and try to avoid you in the future because that was your lead-in "Hi, I'm Larla and I bought my daughter from a sperm bank" Ugh.

Just go with "Hi, I'm Larla and this is my daughter Larlette! We're so happy to meet you and be here!"

+1 I don't tell you how my kids were conceived, and I don't want you to tell me how your kid/s was/were conceived. TMI. Why on earth do you think anyone wants to know this, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends on the school.

Will there be questions or comments? Yes, but assume that it will be more between the kids and with parents who you become friends with. Can a one-parent family volunteer/be involved in the school? Yes, if you want to donate or volunteer.

I think it's more about what the culture of a school is and whether you and your child feel comfortable with it. Is the school teaching about families and relationships in age-appropriate ways, and if so, how? Is there a father-daughter dance at the school, and do you view that as a problem? Will your child feel comfortable fielding or ignoring questions? Between kids, don't assume that anything is off limits.

As someone with experience in multiple DC Privates ( Big 3, Big 5 , Top 7 ), I'd point out that in this day and age of DEI, DDI becoming necessary for these schools to stay PC no Private school is so tone deaf as to have a " father - daughter dance" or to shoot themselves in the foot by not going over board to include every conceivable kind of family

As for the criticism of Catholic schools. Well, guess what: Catholic women find themselves needing IVF too and , just like with Abortion, many become " pro- choice " when they find they desperately want one. So, OP would probably find SMBC who donor conceived even in Catholic school . Why ? Because Catholic school is still selective and its cheaper than DC Privates. Not everyone is Uber Catholic, just like not everyone at Sidwell is a Quaker, right ?

I'd also reinforce that in NW DC, the parents and their attitudes towards Donor Conception / SMBC are going to be the same whether this parent chooses NW DCPS or Private because their is very little difference in the political views of a Corp lawyer and a Senate Staffer or DOJ Atty and they may have even gone to same Undergrad and Law schools together