Spreading of Parent's Ashes...

[Anonymous]

My sibling went and spread my mother's ashes without even informing me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anyways, my sibling started therapy awhile ago and am beginning to think I need to as well. There's a lot I see that I need to work through as I look back on what I wrote. Thanks for the feedback- both positive and negative. Obviously this is taking up a lot of mental space in my head, and I am tired of it. Appreciate those who were willing to read just so I could get some of it out and stop thinking on it. I don't want to be my mother constantly stewing on things....

OP, new poster. Please do get therapy. Your sibling already knows it can help. See the bold above: You are already aware that you are at risk of "stewing" just like your mother does and if you want to break that cycle, and to STOP giving her so much of your mental energy--you need an outside, objective, third party to help you. In other words, a therapist. There is so, so much more going on here than the incidents around your father's ashes and all the back and forth about that. A lifetime of interactions is at play here. I suspect your mom has a mental illness and if you and your sibling want to get out from under her-- you need to get into therapy.

Most of us have what I call "mental real estate." It's limited. There is only so much space in our minds and attention span and we have to ensure it doesn't get hogged by negative people, by "stewing" over things, by perseverating over things. Your mom is, understandably, taking up a huge amount of your mental real estate. Far too much. You need therapy to help you readjust and learn some specific boundary-setting techniques. You CAN do this, OP! But don't try to do it solo.

[Anonymous]

Wasn’t this already posted but in that version the Mom was the ex-wife and had no claim to the ashes? Don’t people have anything better to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anyways, my sibling started therapy awhile ago and am beginning to think I need to as well. There's a lot I see that I need to work through as I look back on what I wrote. Thanks for the feedback- both positive and negative. Obviously this is taking up a lot of mental space in my head, and I am tired of it. Appreciate those who were willing to read just so I could get some of it out and stop thinking on it. I don't want to be my mother constantly stewing on things....

OP, new poster. Please do get therapy. Your sibling already knows it can help. See the bold above: You are already aware that you are at risk of "stewing" just like your mother does and if you want to break that cycle, and to STOP giving her so much of your mental energy--you need an outside, objective, third party to help you. In other words, a therapist. There is so, so much more going on here than the incidents around your father's ashes and all the back and forth about that. A lifetime of interactions is at play here. I suspect your mom has a mental illness and if you and your sibling want to get out from under her-- you need to get into therapy.

Most of us have what I call "mental real estate." It's limited. There is only so much space in our minds and attention span and we have to ensure it doesn't get hogged by negative people, by "stewing" over things, by perseverating over things. Your mom is, understandably, taking up a huge amount of your mental real estate. Far too much. You need therapy to help you readjust and learn some specific boundary-setting techniques. You CAN do this, OP! But don't try to do it solo.

Yes. And OP, the fact that you can't talk about this on DCUM, a group of total strangers, without going on for several massive paragraphs, is a sign that you are getting overwhelmed by the situation. This isn't going to be the last time family dynamics and your mother's behavior take over your life. Get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You wrote a long post and seem very caught up in your emotions. What your post boils down to is this: your dad expressed his preference before his death, your mom as next of kin expressed her preference after his death, you did what you wanted.

I think you did the wrong thing for two reasons: 1) your mom is next of kin and she is the only person who has the legal authority to possess and/or dispose of your father's ashes as such her decision is the only one to be considered, and 2) you purposefully violated the rules of the cemetery where you spread the ashes. I wish you had been caught by the cemetery because then you would have suffered some consequences form your violation of its rules. Your mom would be well within her rights to contact them and tell them what you have done. I hope she does.

And, I get it. I want to be cremated as well. However, my next of kin or executor is the only person who will be making decisions about what happens to my ashes. I don't want a bunch of random people running around doing whatever the heck they want to do regardless of whether I've told them that or not.

People who are dying make a lot of statements that they might not make in other circumstances. Your dad's will and your dad's conversations with your mom precede any death bed conversation you had and should take precedence.

Ok Karen, what do you think the cemetery workers are going to do to OP for breaking their “rule?” Please tell, I could use a laugh.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. My father passed away suddenly my last fall and my mother was a total mess. She took over a month to decide anything, refused to tell friends and family re the service then was very upset because hardly anyone was there, was very abusive and rude to the funeral home representative (who was the relative of a good friend of mine who was doing us to a of favors for free and was so kind), refused to write the obituary or eulogy so I ended having to do them, and then after promising we would all get together and spread his ashes in his hometown like he wanted, she went behind our back and did it without us without telling us. I was and still am very upset.

Grief affects people in different ways. I’m so sorry about your father and what you’re going through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anyways, my sibling started therapy awhile ago and am beginning to think I need to as well. There's a lot I see that I need to work through as I look back on what I wrote. Thanks for the feedback- both positive and negative. Obviously this is taking up a lot of mental space in my head, and I am tired of it. Appreciate those who were willing to read just so I could get some of it out and stop thinking on it. I don't want to be my mother constantly stewing on things....

OP, new poster. Please do get therapy. Your sibling already knows it can help. See the bold above: You are already aware that you are at risk of "stewing" just like your mother does and if you want to break that cycle, and to STOP giving her so much of your mental energy--you need an outside, objective, third party to help you. In other words, a therapist. There is so, so much more going on here than the incidents around your father's ashes and all the back and forth about that. A lifetime of interactions is at play here. I suspect your mom has a mental illness and if you and your sibling want to get out from under her-- you need to get into therapy.

Most of us have what I call "mental real estate." It's limited. There is only so much space in our minds and attention span and we have to ensure it doesn't get hogged by negative people, by "stewing" over things, by perseverating over things. Your mom is, understandably, taking up a huge amount of your mental real estate. Far too much. You need therapy to help you readjust and learn some specific boundary-setting techniques. You CAN do this, OP! But don't try to do it solo.

Yes. And OP, the fact that you can't talk about this on DCUM, a group of total strangers, without going on for several massive paragraphs, is a sign that you are getting overwhelmed by the situation. This isn't going to be the last time family dynamics and your mother's behavior take over your life. Get help.

I agree with these two PPs, and other PPs upstream; there is some good advice on here.

OP, let me say this: I'm 56 and never had therapy before a few years ago. I finally realized I needed it when I was trying to deal with a parent who was dying/not dying/dying and a very difficult teenager, and was failing on both fronts. Anyways: I got a good therapist and I have learned SO MUCH about boundaries and how my childhood situation programmed me to deal with issues, and how to overcome that.

I learned stuff that I didn't even think about--where, summarized for me, it just "clicked"--stuff that I was too deep in to understand from the inside.

It's a great investment. It might take a few tries to find a fit. My first therapist was great, but too young for me. I needed a matriarch. The second one was too clinical, sort of a "time's up" sort of person. I don't need warm fuzzies, but I do want to feel like someone cares. The third person was perfect for me.

Please OP, this story is partly so dramatic because of the role you and your sibling played into it. There is a whole other way to handle your mother. Note the PP who discussed "the loyalty test" and the PPs who discuss how she wants to cut off, and lash out...all that...you don't want to go another 20 years of placating this woman only to be cut off after all your effort. You have to learn to create boundaries, and act the way you want, and be okay with being cut off for that, or be willing to do the cutting off for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You wrote a long post and seem very caught up in your emotions. What your post boils down to is this: your dad expressed his preference before his death, your mom as next of kin expressed her preference after his death, you did what you wanted.

I think you did the wrong thing for two reasons: 1) your mom is next of kin and she is the only person who has the legal authority to possess and/or dispose of your father's ashes as such her decision is the only one to be considered, and 2) you purposefully violated the rules of the cemetery where you spread the ashes. I wish you had been caught by the cemetery because then you would have suffered some consequences form your violation of its rules. Your mom would be well within her rights to contact them and tell them what you have done. I hope she does.

And, I get it. I want to be cremated as well. However, my next of kin or executor is the only person who will be making decisions about what happens to my ashes. I don't want a bunch of random people running around doing whatever the heck they want to do regardless of whether I've told them that or not.

People who are dying make a lot of statements that they might not make in other circumstances. Your dad's will and your dad's conversations with your mom precede any death bed conversation you had and should take precedence.

What an effin' weirdo you are.