Senior activities

[Anonymous]

There are several senior centers in MoCo OP. Some are nicer and more updated than others.

Have they thought about moving somewhere like Leisure World, which has lots of clubs and is for active seniors who buy their own condos / homes, not assisted living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are several senior centers in MoCo OP. Some are nicer and more updated than others.

Have they thought about moving somewhere like Leisure World, which has lots of clubs and is for active seniors who buy their own condos / homes, not assisted living.

Op here. Thanks! I’ll look into the senior centers here. Unfortunately my parents living situation has caused a lot of unnecessary drama with my sibling who lives with them in and off (that’s a whole other story). So they will likely stay where they are living, but it’s actually a handicap accessible condo, so they can pretty much age in place. If they (and my sibling) had their way, they would move in with my family forever, so my setting boundaries has not gone over well. But they are more than capable of living independently for now and I’m less than a mile away, so can pop over at any time.

[Anonymous]

Op — It sounds like you may be the one with too much open time and have helped your parents “learn helplessness. “. Time for you to get a part-time job or if your kids are young to line up such an option by fall or a schedule for yourself of a volunteer job and say fitness class. The point is that you need to have a life for yourself first or you will forever be sucked up into your parent sibling drama. If they drive, theupy do their own errands for a start including food shopping. I would set limits by your being busy. Summer should be built around your children and family activities. Have Dh back you up! You hace great suggestions of a senior center, a church base, volunteer options and how about adult classes at the local Montgomery County Community College. Also the YMCA in Silver Springs May be an option for swimming or fitness classes that is reasonable in price. Do they have a library card to use the large library there?
You need to learn a phrase “No, Mom/dad I am busy with XXX, but I am available on XXX.” You have been too available and accommodating to folks who just need to learn to get out there.

[Anonymous]

Oasis offers classes for seniors in the DC metro area: https://washington-metro.oasisnet.org/

Tons of options

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did they move to be closer to you?

They did move to be closer to me and my family, which is fine, but it was more than a decade ago and they haven’t even tried to make any friends and expect me to drop everything to be with them. It’s actually a really toxic situation but I’m trying to set boundaries and find them activities since they haven’t done it themselves.

A therapist can help you set boundaries without guilt and stop enabling. Don't go into people pleaser mode because it reinforces their unhealthy behavior. You can find them things and email a list. Then it's on them. Don't explain or justify anymore. "That won't work. We can only see you on x day." They will keep sucking the life out of you. You have to think of it as you are providing an alcoholic with alcohol if you don't set boundaries. Developing and maintaining friendships exercises their brain because they have to use good social skills. They don't need to use good social skills with their kids. Making new friends boosts mood and enriches their life and will make them more pleasant to be around. Manipulating you just rots their brains because you are constantly giving the feedback that this is the tactic to use by falling into pleasing and explaining.

If they, like my mother get uppity and hostile when you set boundaries that tell you all you need to know. You don't need to be the "good girl" in their eyes. You need to protect your family, model healthy boundaries and not make it easy for them to rot their brains.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did they move to be closer to you?

They did move to be closer to me and my family, which is fine, but it was more than a decade ago and they haven’t even tried to make any friends and expect me to drop everything to be with them. It’s actually a really toxic situation but I’m trying to set boundaries and find them activities since they haven’t done it themselves.

A therapist can help you set boundaries without guilt and stop enabling. Don't go into people pleaser mode because it reinforces their unhealthy behavior. You can find them things and email a list. Then it's on them. Don't explain or justify anymore. "That won't work. We can only see you on x day." They will keep sucking the life out of you. You have to think of it as you are providing an alcoholic with alcohol if you don't set boundaries. Developing and maintaining friendships exercises their brain because they have to use good social skills. They don't need to use good social skills with their kids. Making new friends boosts mood and enriches their life and will make them more pleasant to be around. Manipulating you just rots their brains because you are constantly giving the feedback that this is the tactic to use by falling into pleasing and explaining.

If they, like my mother get uppity and hostile when you set boundaries that tell you all you need to know. You don't need to be the "good girl" in their eyes. You need to protect your family, model healthy boundaries and not make it easy for them to rot their brains.

Op here. Thanks so much and I definitely need the reminder to not get sucked in constantly by the manipulation. Believe it or not, I have a long term therapist I’ve spoken to, with and without my parents. We take one step forward and then 10 steps back. I know that I am the one that has to stay strong because my parents and sibling will likely continue their behavior. But sometimes it’s just exhausting you know? I so wish I could have a ‘normal’ relationship with my family, where I am not the scapegoat for everyone’s problems. It really does help to hear that I am not alone, though I don’t want anyone else to experience this. Thank you again for the information and helpful reminders!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Op — It sounds like you may be the one with too much open time and have helped your parents “learn helplessness. “. Time for you to get a part-time job or if your kids are young to line up such an option by fall or a schedule for yourself of a volunteer job and say fitness class. The point is that you need to have a life for yourself first or you will forever be sucked up into your parent sibling drama. If they drive, theupy do their own errands for a start including food shopping. I would set limits by your being busy. Summer should be built around your children and family activities. Have Dh back you up! You hace great suggestions of a senior center, a church base, volunteer options and how about adult classes at the local Montgomery County Community College. Also the YMCA in Silver Springs May be an option for swimming or fitness classes that is reasonable in price. Do they have a library card to use the large library there?
You need to learn a phrase “No, Mom/dad I am busy with XXX, but I am available on XXX.” You have been too available and accommodating to folks who just need to learn to get out there.

Op here. I do have a full time job, active social life, wonderful supportive husband and school age kids with many activities. But I agree that I need to continue enforcing boundaries. It’s hard to hear but I need the reminder to stick up for myself. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

OP - I know the Silver Spring area quite well in general as our oldest daughter lives there with her family. We visit and could see cost wise it is a better place for seniors than say on the Virginia side of DC. Driving if you avoid the beltway is manageable for a senior who drives and there is a wide variety of activities.
I tell you to set your boundaries because I know both of our older daughters are busy with jobs and school aged children so we schedule visits on both ends as we can be busy, too. Maybe having our youngest daughter with a cognitive disability living with us makes me more aware of boundaries as we see she has activities, too. You are wise to let how your parents support or enable your sister as a separate issue. Remember your priority needs to be your own family of DH and children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP - I know the Silver Spring area quite well in general as our oldest daughter lives there with her family. We visit and could see cost wise it is a better place for seniors than say on the Virginia side of DC. Driving if you avoid the beltway is manageable for a senior who drives and there is a wide variety of activities.
I tell you to set your boundaries because I know both of our older daughters are busy with jobs and school aged children so we schedule visits on both ends as we can be busy, too. Maybe having our youngest daughter with a cognitive disability living with us makes me more aware of boundaries as we see she has activities, too. You are wise to let how your parents support or enable your sister as a separate issue. Remember your priority needs to be your own family of DH and children.

Op here. Thank you. You sound like a wonderful parent and grandparent. I see now that my mom conditioned both my sibling and I to believe that her happiness is more important than our own, so it’s hard to completely rid that feeling from my mind and actions. But for the sake of my own family I am
Trying hard to set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Holiday Park Senior Center is in silver spring, as is the Margaret Schweinhut Senior Center. Also check the Recreation Department for the Senior Sneaker program or the senior pool pass.

The Jewish Council for the Aging is helpful for everyone, Jewish or not. https://accessjca.org/

Montgomery County offers some services as well.
https://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/senior/

Maybe they'd be interested in volunteer work?

[Anonymous]

Oasis, the link is earlier, is an awesome resource.

[Anonymous]

There's a senior center on Ferrara Ave. (off of Veirs Mill Rd). The classes are SUPER cheap. My mom is going to sign up for conversational French and I think it was $36 for 10 classes.

I also recommend that you read this book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. My DH and I read it and it helped both of us A LOT in terms of dealing with our emotions when it comes to our parents (especially with their manipulation, and how we're never good enough for them).

Hold strong, OP! We are rooting for you.

[Anonymous]

Check MontCo Parks and Rec, I live in Fairfax but I know that there a ton of Senior Activities and Classes on their schedule. Could they join the rec center and do drop in fitness classes?

[Anonymous]

Classes by and for seniors at https://www.olli-dc.org/ . People who get involved there find it's a social focus as well as intellectually stimulating.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks so much everyone! So many great ideas. Though my parents haven’t officially started any classes, they did take some suggestions and are starting to venture out more on their own. Overall our relationship has seen an improvement the last few weeks. They actually seem happier also. Fingers crossed it continues. I will send them the latest suggestions.