Advice on play area - feeling very guilty and confused!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really don't indicate where your child is developmentally...crawling? walking? pulling to a stand? It's difficult to give feedback without knowing.

If your child is walking already (and I suspect he is), then I think that she is right...you cannot continue to limit him in this fashion. He needs far more stimulation than a glorified playpen.

I also don't understand why your child is only awake 4-5 hours a day. At 18 months, he should be awake around 10-12 hours a day. AT LEAST. Perhaps he sleeps so much because he's depressed and understimulated.

Most families allow their children the run of the house except for truly dangerous areas -- like the stove, the stairs to the basement, the eletrical vents, and other areas which THEY TAKE THE TIME TO TEACH THE KIDS to stay away from. It doesn't sound like you've done that. I wonder why not?

Your child is not really learning anything living in a playpen. I don't blame your babysitter for being horrified. It takes a couple of days to unpack a house....what is really going on here?

HUH? Your post shows me that you didn't even read my post, just rushed to give advice!!! OP here. To answer some of the questions; my son is very active, walking and running, pretty well adjusted and a happy child. He spends most of the day at his caretaker's in-home daycare, he plays there all day and is happy. He only spends a couple of hours a week in the play area (which is quite big but with railings), mostly in the weekends, since during weekdays I feed him dinner when he gets back home and we play in his room upstairs for a bit and he takes his bath...and off to sweet sleep. I feel guilty because we are reluctant to let him run around the house when he gets home and unless he is in his safe areas, we carry him. Maybe that's where caretaker's advice hit home...but we can't unpack in a couple of days, maybe in a couple of months (!!!) and we still need more time to child-proof the house.

Anyway, all advice (other than the one quoted above) is quite useful. Thanks .

[Anonymous]

OP, I bet you are a good mother, with good intentions. I get laughed at from time to time, because my house is still pretty secure, and my children are preschoolers. I have set comfortable limits for them, and they now know where they are, and are not allowed to be.

You just have to trust your own instincts, and if you feel your little one isn't ready to be running around the house, that's your decision. If your child minders remarks, have caused you to rethink that, and you think it is time for him to have more freedom around your house, then go for it.

I had my kitchen and the stairs gated off, and let the children roam in their rooms, the living room and dining room only. I took the gates down when they were two and three, and attempting to climb over them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really don't indicate where your child is developmentally...crawling? walking? pulling to a stand? It's difficult to give feedback without knowing.

If your child is walking already (and I suspect he is), then I think that she is right...you cannot continue to limit him in this fashion. He needs far more stimulation than a glorified playpen.

I also don't understand why your child is only awake 4-5 hours a day. At 18 months, he should be awake around 10-12 hours a day. AT LEAST. Perhaps he sleeps so much because he's depressed and understimulated.

Most families allow their children the run of the house except for truly dangerous areas -- like the stove, the stairs to the basement, the eletrical vents, and other areas which THEY TAKE THE TIME TO TEACH THE KIDS to stay away from. It doesn't sound like you've done that. I wonder why not?

Your child is not really learning anything living in a playpen. I don't blame your babysitter for being horrified. It takes a couple of days to unpack a house....what is really going on here?

How is this even constructive? No need to be so mean.

[Anonymous]

It didn't sound like the OP was keeping him a playpen but a play area. I' have friends who bought several of those gates where you can basically create a pretty big safe play zone in a room. We have never baby proofed our entire house. Outlets and doors, yes, but there are other issues. We don't let our kids run around without someone near by to keep an eye on them but when they are home someone is always with them. They aren't really confined but we have gates on each level that keep them out of areas with very hard tile or bathrooms. Their rooms are safe and they run around our bedroom when we are in there with them. The family room is kid friendly but we don't let our one year old run around the kitchen. With a 3 year old and a one year old, they like to play together but we need to be close by in case the 3 year old gets a little too rough with the one year old.

I've never been comfortable letting even my 3 year old play outside in the backyard without an adult there. We have a pool so that is a reasonable worry but I couldn't imagine letting her outside and watching from the window.

It depends on your space, your comfort level, and your kids.

[Anonymous]

I am confused - from the setup you described how does the daycare provider get the idea of a cage? Is he kept in his crib during the day?

Also, I think as adults we way overstimate the amount of space needed for a baby/toddler. I let my DD use our dining room as a playroom sans furniture; thus, making it a very large area - and she ended up only playing in maybe one tiny part of the room near the shelf with her toys. She was free to go anywhere on the bottom level of the house though but preferred to stay where her toys were.

[Anonymous]

We were also confining my DS to the living room. We also moved recently and it took us a few months to unpack most things. We still have a whole room of boxes. My DS started walking about six weeks ago. My mom came to visit about a month ago and stayed with us for a few days. She let him walk all around the house. Since then we started letting him roam more. I think if its possible to try and give him some more room to walk around. I still keep my DS in a high chair when I'm making dinner though. Its too much for me alone with him on the floor in the kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am confused - from the setup you described how does the daycare provider get the idea of a cage? Is he kept in his crib during the day?

Also, I think as adults we way overstimate the amount of space needed for a baby/toddler. I let my DD use our dining room as a playroom sans furniture; thus, making it a very large area - and she ended up only playing in maybe one tiny part of the room near the shelf with her toys. She was free to go anywhere on the bottom level of the house though but preferred to stay where her toys were.

OP here again. No, DS only sleeps in his crib, he doesn't really spend time there when he's awake. And thanks for what you had to say about the amount of space needed for a toddler. DS's play area is in the family room and has taken up a third of it. The family room opens into the kitchen and I talk or sing to him while he's in there and I'm in the kitchen. We can also see each-other. But, of course, he prefers that either me or my husband is in there playing with him...which we do as often as we can but not always. His caretaker is from India and she grew up in a very different culture, I wonder if that has affected her way of looking into this; she said that they don't have cages in India and that my son needs to know that he is not restricted but free to explore. Ok, I agree but logistically we are not there yet...And we do so much outside that I never felt he is not exploring...Ah, well...

[Anonymous]

I sympathize with the frustration of cultural barriers and being lectured by your nanny... believe me...

That said, I think confining spaces like that are fine if you need to go to the bathroom or be cooking with hot items, etc. But generally speaking, I would not keep a child that age in a play yard for very long, and not as the default.

What we do: we are in a condo, so we close the doors to the master bedroom and bathrooms. DD (same age as yours) has access to living/dining room, kitchen, and her bedroom. All of that is on the same level and in close proximity. If we were in a larger house, I think I would put up safety gates to keep DD within close proximity (so I can hear or see her, basically).

I don't think you've done any permanent damage or anything! But I do think it's important to finish childproofing and give him some more indoor freedom.

Childproofing isn't that hard, I found, after dreading it for months. Lock up the obviously dangerous things, and then just watch your child to see what they are prone to getting into.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

We had a setup like yours (maybe) when our son was that age - it made sense in the house we were in. Basically, the entire living room - including the tv and sofa. So, everyone's hang out area was in the 13'X10' play area. The only time he was alone in there with a locked gate was while we were cooking. Is this what you are talking about?

If so, fine. If you are talking about a space too small for you to join him, and he is there for more than just the times you are cooking or doing other "dangerous" things, I think perhaps it is time to stop and rethink. Children have to explore and get into stuff. They'll get messy, and dirty, and maybe even a bit bruised from time to time. It is scary for a mom, but part of what's normal.


Childproofing is simple. Protect the stairs, and move breakable stuff to high places. Gate the kitchen so you can keep him out when you need to. That's really about it.

[Anonymous]

Well, if you are wrong, so am I.

We have our (fairly small) living blocked off with baby gates for our nearly 2 year old twins. They have access to the couch to sit on, toys, windows to look out of, and a 15x7 area to run around. We haven't let them have the run of the main living area (with the exception of upstairs) until a couple of weeks ago. As much as we've tried to childproof the house, they have found things that we couldn't even imagine (ie. moving the dining room chairs and climbing on the table while I was in the bathroom?!?!?) So if I need to be in the kitchen cleaning up/fixing a meal/etc and can't supervise the two of them, they go into the gated area. They do have a playroo in the basement where they hang out all day wiht our nanny - but I can't leave them down there alone while I need to be upstairs.

Honestly, they don't seem any worse for the wear.

[Anonymous]

Geeze, I live in a really small house and much of it will not be appropriate for a small child to run around in, so when my baby is old enough to crawl/walk I don't know what I'll do. I sure hope he won't be damaged by living in the cage that is my home. Imagine if you lived in a small apartment? Some might consider that child abuse!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, if you are wrong, so am I.

\.

Same here. I think you have to work with what you have and what makes you feel comfortable. We have an extremely open floor plan, difficult to really gate the steps, yet not enough space to have a whole room on the main floor devoted to a playroom. If we had more room - we would sort of gate of a room like my friend does for the play area. We have the play area with extensions - don't know how many feet - and we use it mainly for things like when we have to cook or take a shower in the morning etc. if either the other person is busy or there is only one parent at home. We have babyproofed quite a bit - but our babyproofing isn't the type that I could take a shower and not worry - it is more that I would have enough time to get there if I saw them trying to remove the lock, outlet cover, try to get to something on a high shelf etc. To me, the use of the play area is sort of like the older equivalent of the bouncy seat, swing or activity mobile, videos etc. - if you aren't overusing it - IMHO, I don't think there is an issue. My kids will play in the play area for a little while - and that tends to be coming home from the evening while I am wrapping up work (telecommute) and DH is changing and starting dinner. As for free exploration etc. everyone was raised differently and feels differently. We tend to be more uptight - we don't have the kids banging our pots and pans and rummaging thru all the cabinets. As much as we can - we try to limit running thru the house - more from the trip/fall/break something standpoint - but as well because that was how we were raised. We will bring the kids 2 and 3 up to the rooms with us sometimes - they love it of course - and we will talk about things, they get chapstick, weigh themselves, get my paperbooks off the dresser etc. The oldest is getting old enough that she can start going to rooms of the house without us for short amounts of time. I am also trying to get their room to be more of a play area for them also.

[Anonymous]

PP here (one where we all spent the evening in the gated area.

An open plan is tough. We ended up running a gate from a wall to the sofa (yes. I nailed it in - wasn't a good sofa). Then the sofa was a barrier for another bunch of feet. Basically, the whole living room except the stairs. This worked. We didn't have a house with multiple rooms to sit in (playroom, dining room, what's that?).

We didn't have a separate playroom, but just all hung out together in the living room. A kid doesn't really need all that many toys, and it isn't hard to throw things in bins before bed.

I never really babyproofed (beyond moving poison out).

[Anonymous]

Until our daughter was 2.5yo, we lived in a small two-bedroom apartment. I bet that the actual furniture-free space in our whole living room/dining room/open kitchen was probably not much bigger than his play area. She had access to her bedroom, which was adjacent but hardly went there to play. Our bedroom was usually closed (and pretty much wall-to-wall with furntiure anway). That said, we did wish she had more space, but I certainly hope that nobody would have suggested that we were damaging her in some way because we had a small living space (though I felt like "I" was living in a cage sometimes, tripping over toys left and right). Now that we live in a larger home, she does have the "run" of much of it. OP, it sounds like you just need some time to get the new house in order before you can expand his play zone, which is a reasonable sequence of events. I know how tough it can be to move with toddlers - my daughter was great at "unpacking" (even when we were trying to get packed at the old place), so there is both a safety and "mess" issue to contend with. The great thing about moving to a new place at this age is having a "clean slate' for babyproofing (e.g. no breakables to put away or move to higher ground) - as one PP said, just try to do one room at a time (outlets, wiring, cabinets with poisons or sharps), starting with those that "should" be open for him to roam in the future.

As for the fact that he is "needy" - he is a typical toddler! While a few might have lucked out with a very independent kid, most of us have our toddlers/preschoolers hanging off our legs for attention!

Good luck with settling in - your kid is fine!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks so much PP, your post is very soothing. Over the last couple of days I've gone over a range of emotions: first guilt, then confusion and now I'm a little mad at the caretaker. We've made some improvements and are letting DS chase the cat and run around the family room and kitchen. Also I took the railings out, so he has his play area in the family room but with no railings. He seems a bit happier but there's really not so much difference since we're talking only half an hour a day or so.

But I'm a bit mad at this woman (who is a great caretaker) who seems to have no understanding of boundaries. If she were my mother (also from another culture; I'm myself from southern Europe) I'd be telling her to back off a bit. Especially if she were suggesting that there is some problem with the kid just for wanting attention. The caretaker had just taken a class on childcare that day and she probably felt the need to lecture a bit...

Anyhow, the more I think about it the more I recognize that her advcie and lecturing were out of place especially now that I know so many families use safe play areas with their kids.

When you are a first time parent, you are so vulnerable to criticism and senseless advice!

Thanks for letting me vent.