Advice on play area - feeling very guilty and confused!!!

[Anonymous]

I'm a first time mom of a healthy and well-adjusted one and a half year old boy. Since when he was 10 months, we created a safe play area in the living room with cushioning in the bottom and railings around it. We just moved from MD to NoVa and the house is a mess, but the first thing we did is re-create his safe play area and also arrange DS's room upstairs with his toys and all the fun stuff. His crib is still in our room since for half of the night almsot each night we practice co-sleeping; it works for us.The house is not yet child-proofed; we plan on doing it but it's been overwhelming with unpacking and all that.

Long story short, DS goes to an in-home day care center and he is very happy there. The caretaker adores him and he loves her. She is from another country and very experienced in childcare. She lets my sone run around not only in the designated childcare area but in the whole house - the house is pretty safe and child-proof.

Last weekend, we hired her to babysit so thta we could go out for the first time in many months. This morning she took me on the side and gave me this long lecture how putting DS in a cage like a dog may have probably created some problems for him; that we need to make him part of the family and not isolate him and that she sees some warning signs (e.g. he needs attention all the time..etc.). Now, I admit we don't really let DS run around our house yet, only in his play area and in his room...but we also go out a lot and he is awake at home only for 4-5 hours a day, half of which is eating and taking a bath.

I know her advice is only out of very, very good intentions, so I allowed her to expreess herself. Maybe on some level I agree with some of what she had to say. But I'm now feeling so guilty and confused: are we the only ones who do this? Have we done some damage on the baby? When did other let their toddlers run around the house?

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Of course parenting styles change with the generations, but when I was a baby and toddler, I spent LOTS of time in what they used to call a "playpen". Our family album is full of pictures of me in there, peeking through the "bars". I looked ecstatic and quite content grinning away in there for the camera, never felt like I wasn't a part of my family, and grew up very well-adjusted, thank you very much. It was the safest place for babies/toddlers back then, and many of us from my generation probably had similar experiences as babies (I'm 50 now, with two kids in elementary school). Keeping your baby safe should not make you feel guilty. Your babysitter may have been overreacting, and there's no reason for you to feel guilty. You're being a good mom. Toddlers want lots of attention, and it has nothing to do with whether they play in protected areas or not!

[Anonymous]

You really don't indicate where your child is developmentally...crawling? walking? pulling to a stand? It's difficult to give feedback without knowing.

If your child is walking already (and I suspect he is), then I think that she is right...you cannot continue to limit him in this fashion. He needs far more stimulation than a glorified playpen.

I also don't understand why your child is only awake 4-5 hours a day. At 18 months, he should be awake around 10-12 hours a day. AT LEAST. Perhaps he sleeps so much because he's depressed and understimulated.

Most families allow their children the run of the house except for truly dangerous areas -- like the stove, the stairs to the basement, the eletrical vents, and other areas which THEY TAKE THE TIME TO TEACH THE KIDS to stay away from. It doesn't sound like you've done that. I wonder why not?

Your child is not really learning anything living in a playpen. I don't blame your babysitter for being horrified. It takes a couple of days to unpack a house....what is really going on here?

[Anonymous]

Of course parenting styles change with the generations, but when I was a baby and toddler, I spent LOTS of time in what they used to call a "playpen". Our family album is full of pictures of me in there, peeking through the "bars". I looked ecstatic and quite content grinning away in there for the camera, never felt like I wasn't a part of my family, and grew up very well-adjusted, thank you very much. It was the safest place for babies/toddlers back then, and many of us from my generation probably had similar experiences as babies (I'm 50 now, with two kids in elementary school). Keeping your baby safe should not make you feel guilty. Your babysitter may have been overreacting, and there's no reason for you to feel guilty. You're being a good mom. Toddlers want lots of attention, and it has nothing to do with whether they play in protected areas or not!

I think you need to re-read your Dr. Spock...he advocates no more than 45 minutes in a play pen. I can't imagine being ecstatic at being left in one all day.

[Anonymous]

My 16-month old pretty much has the run of our place (my guilt is that it's not very child-proofed - but he's never in a non-child-proofed room without us being with him) -- and he still needs attention ALL the time -- so I wouldn't fear that you've warped his personality this way. We moved when our son was about 10 months old and we've still not really unpacked much - just unpacked the critical rooms and left the others full of boxes ... anyway - totally sympathize on the difficulties of toddlers, safe play areas, and moves - and think there's nothing wrong with how you've handled it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I also don't understand why your child is only awake 4-5 hours a day. At 18 months, he should be awake around 10-12 hours a day. AT LEAST. Perhaps he sleeps so much because he's depressed and understimulated.

Most families allow their children the run of the house except for truly dangerous areas -- like the stove, the stairs to the basement, the eletrical vents, and other areas which THEY TAKE THE TIME TO TEACH THE KIDS to stay away from. It doesn't sound like you've done that. I wonder why not?

Your child is not really learning anything living in a playpen. I don't blame your babysitter for being horrified. It takes a couple of days to unpack a house....what is really going on here?

What an unpleasant post. This lady is clearly trying to do the right thing and you respond in this way - shame on you!
As for the 4-5 hours, she said 4-5 hours at home, implying the child is in daycare the rest of the time. I think you should at least read the full post before launching into this attack. Perhaps you read so poorly because you are overstimulated?

[Anonymous]

PP, I don't think OP meant that her child is only awake 4-5 hours a day. I read it as her child is outside a lot and only inside 4-5 hours a day, most of which are spent napping/eating outside of the play area. So her child only spends a few hours a day in the enclosed area.

[Anonymous]

The above post epitomizes what I hate about DCUM. The OP is looking for advice. There is NO need to (mis-)characterize her babysitter's reaction as "horrified" or allude that there are some mysterious reasons for why she's taken the child-proofing tact she has. She already explained her reasons. And, obviously, her child is only awake 4-5 hours a day AT HOME, because he's in daycare the rest of the time. And I don't know the last time you moved, but I don't know anyone who got their house unpacked in "a couple of days," so to imply that something mysterious or inappropriate "is really going on here" is just totally unnecessary and out of line. You are certainly entitled to say that you agree with the sitter that her child might need more space to explore than what he currently has. But why pile on in this fashion?

To answer the OP's original question, my son spent a fair amount of time in his first 15 months in one playroom (adjacent to our kitchen) which was separated from our kitchen by a baby gate. It was great, because he could play in there while I cooked dinner, did dishes, etc. Once he started walking (which luckily coincided with the arrival of Spring), we spent lots more time outside. So, no, you are not the only one who has done this (not by a long shot!), but it may be time to let him explore more. And you have certainly not done any permanent damage. As the 14:52 poster pointed out, kids used to spend TONS of time in playpens. Norms have just changed a bit in this regard over the past couple of decades.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but I kind of have to agree with the babysitter...the only time I put my kids in some sort of enclosed area after they started walking is when I have to go to the bathroom. Your son is a little person now, he needs to get up and move around.

[clarabow]

I read the post as stating he's only awake and AT HOME 4-5 hours. Not that he's sleeping 20 hours a day. As for needing attention, that sounds rather normal and not alarming. Developmentally, he does need lots of chances to explore and interact because that's how he learns and grows. It sounds like he gets some of this at his caretaker's home, and some out on the town with you. It is a good idea to begin making more of the house safe for him, so that he can interact with you while you are in the kitchen, etc. Using a playpen in unsafe areas of the house when you just can't be available to supervise is something we do too, and I don't think our son regards it as a cage -- we leave the door to the playyard open when we are in the same part of the house with him, and he can crawl in and out on his own initiative so he knows it's his own space and probably thinks of it more like a fun fort than a cage. We also make dedicated time to play together on his terms at his level on the floor in the living area, or in his own room, etc. If childproofing feels overwhelming, just take it one room at a time to gradually expand his roaming area, and keep making sure he's included in your daily routines as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I also don't understand why your child is only awake 4-5 hours a day. At 18 months, he should be awake around 10-12 hours a day. AT LEAST. Perhaps he sleeps so much because he's depressed and understimulated.

Most families allow their children the run of the house except for truly dangerous areas -- like the stove, the stairs to the basement, the eletrical vents, and other areas which THEY TAKE THE TIME TO TEACH THE KIDS to stay away from. It doesn't sound like you've done that. I wonder why not?

Your child is not really learning anything living in a playpen. I don't blame your babysitter for being horrified. It takes a couple of days to unpack a house....what is really going on here?

What an unpleasant post. This lady is clearly trying to do the right thing and you respond in this way - shame on you!
As for the 4-5 hours, she said 4-5 hours at home, implying the child is in daycare the rest of the time. I think you should at least read the full post before launching into this attack. Perhaps you read so poorly because you are overstimulated?

I agree. This poster was unnecessarily mean and judgmental. The OP was asking for advice and is genuinely concerned for her child's welfare. All you did was make her feel worse and scold her -- that is not the purpose of this site.

[Anonymous]

I'm not going to attack you - you seem to be trying to figure out how to do the right thing for your little boy. Honestly, what you describe sounds a bit off in that I can't quite imagine how it works...

I have a slightly older toddler and the best way to describe what I think you want to have happen is that your toddler should probably be where you are in the house - where are you when he is in his safe play area? are you in the living room but just not in the play area? what does your childcare provider mean be isolated?

I do think that once your toddler is walking, being confined to such a small space is developmentally not the best thing. That's not to say ALL areas of the house must be available for play - i.e. our toddler doesn't play in our home office because it's not childproofed etc...

I do think you want to get away from the idea of a confined play space for a child that is walking. So much of what kids learn is through exploring their environments. The key is really supervision -- even the best babyproofed room has hazards if you aren't watching the child.

Maybe if you explain the situation in a bit more detail, the responses will be more helpful.

[Anonymous]

I also don't understand why your child is only awake 4-5 hours a day. At 18 months, he should be awake around 10-12 hours a day. AT LEAST. Perhaps he sleeps so much because he's depressed and understimulated.

Most families allow their children the run of the house except for truly dangerous areas -- like the stove, the stairs to the basement, the eletrical vents, and other areas which THEY TAKE THE TIME TO TEACH THE KIDS to stay away from. It doesn't sound like you've done that. I wonder why not?

Your child is not really learning anything living in a playpen. I don't blame your babysitter for being horrified. It takes a couple of days to unpack a house....what is really going on here?

Wow. Way to offer helpful advice.

The OP did NOT say her child was only awake 4-5 hours a day. Her son is in day care -- he's only awake AT HOME 4-5 hours a day. But, hey, that's a really good basis to diagnose depression (?!) and understimulation.

A "glorified playpen"?! This is a ROOM. In which the PARENTS spend time, too. You have no idea how much of the time the parents are with the child in the living room or how often the child is with them when they are in another room and watching him -- you have no idea what they have taken the time to teach their son. And your view that a child - whom you acknowledge you nothing about how far he is developmentally - is "not really learning anything"?! Wow. It's just unbelievable how qualified you are to judge this on the basis of the information here.

As the PP who moved when her son was 10 months old and still has 4 rooms of unpacked boxes six months later ... I think your view of how easy it is to unpack when you've got a toddler around is equally uninformed. Maybe they're spending time playing with their child instead of focused on the boxes? Hmm ... wouldn't that be crazy ...

Anyway. It's not that I haven't seen many rude posts on this forum - but responding to a woman who is clearly worried about something by jumping to with uninformed, unhelpful, obnoxious & insulting conclusions that are bound to scare her further?! Wow. Just. Wow.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP. I understand that your babysitter was well-meaning and her points are valid about your son needing more room at this point to expand his horizons but to attribute that to "warning signs" in his behavior such as needing your attention all of the time... I have to disagree. Heck, my three year old wants my attention an awful lot too. I don't think you have done ANY damage (let alone permanent damage).
I appreciate well-meaning advice, especially from a loving caregiver, but it should be framed in a conversation about what he's developmentally ready for at this point rather than making you feel like you've done something wrong. Especially if you are a first time parent.

[Anonymous]

It's okay if your house isn't perfectly childproofed, just stay with him when you can and let him wander. When you have to take a call or something then stick him in an enclosed area, we all do it. I assume this is basically what you do? You don't just stick him in there for hours a day?