How to Find Long-Lost Half Siblings

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks all. Any recs on what ancetry.com test kit to order? It's not clear to me whether the cheapest one give you relative matches. Unfortunately, budget is an issue, though I'd shell out for the expensive kits w/subscriptions if I had to. TIA!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father was not involved in my life. I'm not interested in finding him.

However, a relative told me that he had two children prior to my birth with other women. I'd love to find and meet them. How do I do this?

I only have my biological father's first and last name. He was born and lived in the state most of his life, so there's that too. It's an unusual name and a small state, so I hope that works in my favor.

Thanks!

OP, can that relative provide anything regarding those other women's names, how your dad knew them, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. I guess i must be old because I thought maybe people would be pointing me to a Private Investigator. Lol.

If 23 and me is not a match, then any thoughts about what's next? I assume this stuff is trackable through birth records and such.

You might not get any "matches" right away. A friend of mine grew up not knowing her father (in her case, she didn't even have a name--her mom claimed to not know who her dad was.) So in my friend's case, she actually was looking to find her Dad, so she just put her own info/dna into 23andme. It was several months before 23andme notified her that they had found a cousin that was related to her through her dad. She connected with that cousin, who was able to put her in touch with her dad.
In her case, it was a very happy ending--they now have a nice relationship and they've had several family get togethers.

But I agree with a pp that not every situation will turn out so happy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your best bets are to start with DNA services. I found my bio-fathers family through 23andMe and my mother's side through Ancestry, birth records, and Facebook. I would do all of these things in order to ensure you're using the widest net.

W/respect to birth records... I was able to get my pre-adoption birth records because state law (in the state where I was born) allowed it. Many states do not. Further, even in states when you can get such records, you usually have to be one of the people named on the birth certificate in order to get copies. As a sibling, you are unlikely to qualify. You can certainly reach out to the county or state to check, but probably not going to be successful.

Do you have any relatives who may remember the names of the other mother or your half-siblings? If you can find a town where they might have lived, you may be able to search high school yearbooks for students with your father's last name. Ancestry has many of these online and searchable now. It's shooting in the dark, but if the community is small (as you say) and the names are unique, it could work.

Lastly, just a word of warning. While many people are delighted to find long-lost relatives, rejection is equally common, even from siblings. Some people just can't handle it. Others are suspicious and think you want something from them (a kidney, an inheritance, etc.).

You may also discover that your siblings have their own baggage, which you may or may not want in your own life. If your dad is so awful you have no relationship with him, he's unlikely to have been a good parent to your siblings either. They could have all kinds of drama going on as a result of that.

Moreover, you have no knowledge of what, if anything, this other family has been told about you. You can't assume it's a blank slate. The fact that you have a bad relationship with your father could mean he's been saying unkind things (true or not) about you to them, possibly for years.

Just tread carefully if and when you do make contact. It's not a Hallmark movie.

I'm one of these suspicious people. I hate being burdened by anyone and am not interested in any sob stories etc. It's one of the many reasons I have never been bothered to ask my bio mom about who knocked her up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. Any recs on what ancetry.com test kit to order? It's not clear to me whether the cheapest one give you relative matches. Unfortunately, budget is an issue, though I'd shell out for the expensive kits w/subscriptions if I had to. TIA!

I found my 1/2 sibling on Ancestery.com I bought the basic test and it gave me access to the database. Good luck in your search!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your best bets are to start with DNA services. I found my bio-fathers family through 23andMe and my mother's side through Ancestry, birth records, and Facebook. I would do all of these things in order to ensure you're using the widest net.

W/respect to birth records... I was able to get my pre-adoption birth records because state law (in the state where I was born) allowed it. Many states do not. Further, even in states when you can get such records, you usually have to be one of the people named on the birth certificate in order to get copies. As a sibling, you are unlikely to qualify. You can certainly reach out to the county or state to check, but probably not going to be successful.

Do you have any relatives who may remember the names of the other mother or your half-siblings? If you can find a town where they might have lived, you may be able to search high school yearbooks for students with your father's last name. Ancestry has many of these online and searchable now. It's shooting in the dark, but if the community is small (as you say) and the names are unique, it could work.

Lastly, just a word of warning. While many people are delighted to find long-lost relatives, rejection is equally common, even from siblings. Some people just can't handle it. Others are suspicious and think you want something from them (a kidney, an inheritance, etc.).

You may also discover that your siblings have their own baggage, which you may or may not want in your own life. If your dad is so awful you have no relationship with him, he's unlikely to have been a good parent to your siblings either. They could have all kinds of drama going on as a result of that.

Moreover, you have no knowledge of what, if anything, this other family has been told about you. You can't assume it's a blank slate. The fact that you have a bad relationship with your father could mean he's been saying unkind things (true or not) about you to them, possibly for years.

Just tread carefully if and when you do make contact. It's not a Hallmark movie.

I'm one of these suspicious people. I hate being burdened by anyone and am not interested in any sob stories etc. It's one of the many reasons I have never been bothered to ask my bio mom about who knocked her up.

I'm a rejector too. Nothing personal, I'm just really busy and I don't even have time for myself so I have no interest in putting in the emotional work to form a new relationship with someone else. Maybe if I was older and retired I'd feel differently but for now that's how it is.

[Anonymous]

Do both ancestry and 23 and me and see if you have any luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. Any recs on what ancetry.com test kit to order? It's not clear to me whether the cheapest one give you relative matches. Unfortunately, budget is an issue, though I'd shell out for the expensive kits w/subscriptions if I had to. TIA!

I found my 1/2 sibling on Ancestery.com I bought the basic test and it gave me access to the database. Good luck in your search!

Thanks!!!