How to get over anger at parents for not managing $$

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not gone thru this, but I think your job now can be to figure out what government agencies can help their situation. You should not have to spend your $$ or use funds earmarked for your children. Do they each receive social security? Are they eligible for medicaid? Food stamps? Do you have any siblings to help you? Hopefully, someone on this forum can lead you to an elderly social worker type group.

That's what I'm trying to figure out, but from what I can tell it looks like their social security income plus the one small pension is just slightly above the monthly threshold for qualifying for government assistance. But no where near enough to pay for nursing care or assisted living. I'm trying to read up to understand this better, but need to take breaks as I'm just feeling angry.

You also need to mitigate that anger somehow, it's not good for your long term physical or mental health. I had parents that impoverished themselves and my mother decided I was going to pay for her to live in a fancy apartment in a major city. I just said no, that wasn't happening. She is now dead of course, so no longer a problem. Remember that is what ultimately is going to happen and think about how you want your remaining years with living parents to go - being angry with them to the extent you sound, is not going to be good all round.

Yes, I completely agree. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not gone thru this, but I think your job now can be to figure out what government agencies can help their situation. You should not have to spend your $$ or use funds earmarked for your children. Do they each receive social security? Are they eligible for medicaid? Food stamps? Do you have any siblings to help you? Hopefully, someone on this forum can lead you to an elderly social worker type group.

That's what I'm trying to figure out, but from what I can tell it looks like their social security income plus the one small pension is just slightly above the monthly threshold for qualifying for government assistance. But no where near enough to pay for nursing care or assisted living. I'm trying to read up to understand this better, but need to take breaks as I'm just feeling angry.

If your parents have social security and a small pension, you should consider talking with an eldercare attorney about how to get your parents into a facility. Sometimes nursing facilities will accept you if you can private pay for x months before going on Medicaid. They will typically take all of the SS and pension $, and allow you a tiny amount for personal items. Talk to an elder care attorney about how to legally spend down their assets.

Thank you! That's good to hear. The couple facilities I called basically laughed me off when I described their income. I think a good elder care attorney who knows their local area could be invaluable. Any tips to find one other than Google? I'm on hold at their county's aging office as I write

[Anonymous]

People don't want to be poor in their old age.
They don't mismanage their money on purpose.
They weren't taught or for whatever reason didn't understand the consequences.
I'm sure this is stressful for you, but I can only imagine the shame and stress of having to rely on your adult children for this type of help.

Sorry you are in this situation but it will be a help to you mentally, as well as a gift to them, if you can summon some empathy. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Now I am stuck jeopardizing my own family's finances to pay for them

No you aren't. Not long term. They go somewhere, somewhere else in the country probably, any facility that will take them. They are on medicaid. They don't get the luxury of many choices. The very poor can live somewhere, somehow. They don't need your money.

[Anonymous]

Do. It risk your retirement or your kids’ college for your parents. They can go into a Medicaid home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s why it’s better to live in countries with good social programs and free healthcare, childcare, eldercare.

Very timely advice for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not gone thru this, but I think your job now can be to figure out what government agencies can help their situation. You should not have to spend your $$ or use funds earmarked for your children. Do they each receive social security? Are they eligible for medicaid? Food stamps? Do you have any siblings to help you? Hopefully, someone on this forum can lead you to an elderly social worker type group.

That's what I'm trying to figure out, but from what I can tell it looks like their social security income plus the one small pension is just slightly above the monthly threshold for qualifying for government assistance. But no where near enough to pay for nursing care or assisted living. I'm trying to read up to understand this better, but need to take breaks as I'm just feeling angry.

See an elder care attorney. They can tell you how to put social security and pension into a trust and and get medicaid. They can also make the process much faster.

[Anonymous]

OP, how is your spouse dealing with all of those? We have a similar situation but with my in-laws and it has become a strain on our marriage. It's important to me to be able to pay for my kids' education, but DH wants to prioritize supplementing his dad's retirement lifestyle. Difficult issue, and I hope you are communicating with your spouse and respecting his wishes, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People don't want to be poor in their old age.
They don't mismanage their money on purpose.
They weren't taught or for whatever reason didn't understand the consequences.
I'm sure this is stressful for you, but I can only imagine the shame and stress of having to rely on your adult children for this type of help.

Sorry you are in this situation but it will be a help to you mentally, as well as a gift to them, if you can summon some empathy. Good luck.

Yes, I rationally agree with all this. These are the things in telling myself over and over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how is your spouse dealing with all of those? We have a similar situation but with my in-laws and it has become a strain on our marriage. It's important to me to be able to pay for my kids' education, but DH wants to prioritize supplementing his dad's retirement lifestyle. Difficult issue, and I hope you are communicating with your spouse and respecting his wishes, too.

Supportive so far, but this is important cautionary advice. I don't think either of us understood how bad their situation was and their health was fine...until it wasn't.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in a similar situation with my mother, who has never been financially responsible and has suffered serious health issues that have recently come to a head.

I second the recommendation for the local agency on aging. They were very helpful in setting up any number of free services available to my mother that kept her in her house for as long as possible. They also have connections to social workers/administrators at the area hospitals, ALFs, and nursing homes and can help walk you through the options, policies, etc.

I know how maddening this all is, from first hand experience, and you have my sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not gone thru this, but I think your job now can be to figure out what government agencies can help their situation. You should not have to spend your $$ or use funds earmarked for your children. Do they each receive social security? Are they eligible for medicaid? Food stamps? Do you have any siblings to help you? Hopefully, someone on this forum can lead you to an elderly social worker type group.

+1

I've been there, and am there now, actually. So I say this with experience. Do not use your financial or time resources to enable your parents. They get Medicaid, government assistance, etc. That's what it's there for. You have to focus on your own family so you don't perpetuate this cycle of financial dysfunction. Do not take a second job for this. Your kids need you to be healthy, rested, and present for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People don't want to be poor in their old age.
They don't mismanage their money on purpose.
They weren't taught or for whatever reason didn't understand the consequences.
I'm sure this is stressful for you, but I can only imagine the shame and stress of having to rely on your adult children for this type of help.

Sorry you are in this situation but it will be a help to you mentally, as well as a gift to them, if you can summon some empathy. Good luck.

Yes, I rationally agree with all this. These are the things in telling myself over and over.

Top, PP. An aging parent may not want this to happen, but it didn't happen accidentally. OP, please take these messages with a grain of salt. Your parents may feel like the above, but your nuclear family takes priority.

[Anonymous]

I am looking at senior housing options for my parents, and came across one in Rockville that had income limits. I don't remember what it was called since it wasn't an option for us, but that place, or others like it, might be an option to consider.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to go bankrupt, help as much as you can with money and with hooking them up with helpful services. They are your parents who raised you with love and spent their resources on you, yes they had a flaw of not being financially savvy but that doesn’t mean you abandon them. Your children deserve your income but also need to see you taking care of your parents. What goes around, comes around.