How to get over anger at parents for not managing $$

[Anonymous]

For those of you whose parents don't need your financial help, you gave been given such a gift! This will probably take therapy, and I'll welcome recommendations for providers, but in the meantime, does anyone have tips for how to set aside anger at parents for not managing their money well?

Long story short, my parents ignored warnings and made choices that cost them their house and left them with virtually no savings. They are nearing a point health wise where they need to move out of their rent controlled apartment into an assisted living facility. Now I am stuck jeopardizing my own family's finances to pay for them, contemplating a second job so I don't have to go into debt.

I don't want to feel resentful. They were good parents in other arenas. I know many many people are in worse situations. Still it just feels so unfair to have this stress. We're having a meeting l with a financial advisor I hired to help sort out their options, and I'm having trouble not getting riled up just planning for it, sorting through bank statements of nearly empty accounts. How can I be kind to my parents at this time when I feel like they've left a mess?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you whose parents don't need your financial help, you gave been given such a gift! This will probably take therapy, and I'll welcome recommendations for providers, but in the meantime, does anyone have tips for how to set aside anger at parents for not managing their money well?

Long story short, my parents ignored warnings and made choices that cost them their house and left them with virtually no savings. They are nearing a point health wise where they need to move out of their rent controlled apartment into an assisted living facility. Now I am stuck jeopardizing my own family's finances to pay for them, contemplating a second job so I don't have to go into debt.

I don't want to feel resentful. They were good parents in other arenas. I know many many people are in worse situations. Still it just feels so unfair to have this stress. We're having a meeting l with a financial advisor I hired to help sort out their options, and I'm having trouble not getting riled up just planning for it, sorting through bank statements of nearly empty accounts. How can I be kind to my parents at this time when I feel like they've left a mess?

No answers but hugs. I hope you find acceptable solutions and may your income increases unexpectedly.

[Anonymous]

I have not gone thru this, but I think your job now can be to figure out what government agencies can help their situation. You should not have to spend your $$ or use funds earmarked for your children. Do they each receive social security? Are they eligible for medicaid? Food stamps? Do you have any siblings to help you? Hopefully, someone on this forum can lead you to an elderly social worker type group.

[Anonymous]

That’s why it’s better to live in countries with good social programs and free healthcare, childcare, eldercare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not gone thru this, but I think your job now can be to figure out what government agencies can help their situation. You should not have to spend your $$ or use funds earmarked for your children. Do they each receive social security? Are they eligible for medicaid? Food stamps? Do you have any siblings to help you? Hopefully, someone on this forum can lead you to an elderly social worker type group.

This^. Explore all options to make it work for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not gone thru this, but I think your job now can be to figure out what government agencies can help their situation. You should not have to spend your $$ or use funds earmarked for your children. Do they each receive social security? Are they eligible for medicaid? Food stamps? Do you have any siblings to help you? Hopefully, someone on this forum can lead you to an elderly social worker type group.

This^. Explore all options to make it work for them.

Yes, this. I would absolutely not put myself at a financial risk to support my parents.

They have unwittingly taught you an invaluable lesson - learn it. Protect your financial future and that of your kids.

[Anonymous]

We had a similar situation with a parent, with cognitive issues, that was frivolous with money which lead to impoverishment. The silver lining was that we found all kinds of government assistance including senior housing, transportation, healthcare, etc. for seniors with low income. The trick is to get them into the system, sometimes there is a stigma to senior. But it was a lifesaver, tap into it for them before it breaks you.

[Anonymous]

Do not bankrupt yourself to care for them. You owe it to your children to say present in their lives and financially solvent. Like others said, find all avenues of assistance for you parents. There might be a senior center advocacy-type program in your area that can be wonderful help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not gone thru this, but I think your job now can be to figure out what government agencies can help their situation. You should not have to spend your $$ or use funds earmarked for your children. Do they each receive social security? Are they eligible for medicaid? Food stamps? Do you have any siblings to help you? Hopefully, someone on this forum can lead you to an elderly social worker type group.

This^. Explore all options to make it work for them.

Yes, this. I would absolutely not put myself at a financial risk to support my parents.

They have unwittingly taught you an invaluable lesson - learn it. Protect your financial future and that of your kids.

Another voice in support of this option. There's no way in hell I'd jeopardize my or my children's financial security because of poor decision-making by my parents. Nope.

[Anonymous]

The solution is to let them spend down their money and get them in a Medicaid facility when they're indigent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not gone thru this, but I think your job now can be to figure out what government agencies can help their situation. You should not have to spend your $$ or use funds earmarked for your children. Do they each receive social security? Are they eligible for medicaid? Food stamps? Do you have any siblings to help you? Hopefully, someone on this forum can lead you to an elderly social worker type group.

That's what I'm trying to figure out, but from what I can tell it looks like their social security income plus the one small pension is just slightly above the monthly threshold for qualifying for government assistance. But no where near enough to pay for nursing care or assisted living. I'm trying to read up to understand this better, but need to take breaks as I'm just feeling angry.

[Anonymous]

OP, your first stop should be looking at your county's resources for aging. As an example, here is Fairfax's: https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/familyservices/older-adults.

I worked closely with them in the past, and was able to get an elderly widowed aunt help paying for an assisted living community. (Basically, her entire SS check goes to the facility, but has minimal expenses beyond that.)

Make that phone call!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not gone thru this, but I think your job now can be to figure out what government agencies can help their situation. You should not have to spend your $$ or use funds earmarked for your children. Do they each receive social security? Are they eligible for medicaid? Food stamps? Do you have any siblings to help you? Hopefully, someone on this forum can lead you to an elderly social worker type group.

That's what I'm trying to figure out, but from what I can tell it looks like their social security income plus the one small pension is just slightly above the monthly threshold for qualifying for government assistance. But no where near enough to pay for nursing care or assisted living. I'm trying to read up to understand this better, but need to take breaks as I'm just feeling angry.

You also need to mitigate that anger somehow, it's not good for your long term physical or mental health. I had parents that impoverished themselves and my mother decided I was going to pay for her to live in a fancy apartment in a major city. I just said no, that wasn't happening. She is now dead of course, so no longer a problem. Remember that is what ultimately is going to happen and think about how you want your remaining years with living parents to go - being angry with them to the extent you sound, is not going to be good all round.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not gone thru this, but I think your job now can be to figure out what government agencies can help their situation. You should not have to spend your $$ or use funds earmarked for your children. Do they each receive social security? Are they eligible for medicaid? Food stamps? Do you have any siblings to help you? Hopefully, someone on this forum can lead you to an elderly social worker type group.

That's what I'm trying to figure out, but from what I can tell it looks like their social security income plus the one small pension is just slightly above the monthly threshold for qualifying for government assistance. But no where near enough to pay for nursing care or assisted living. I'm trying to read up to understand this better, but need to take breaks as I'm just feeling angry.

If your parents have social security and a small pension, you should consider talking with an eldercare attorney about how to get your parents into a facility. Sometimes nursing facilities will accept you if you can private pay for x months before going on Medicaid. They will typically take all of the SS and pension $, and allow you a tiny amount for personal items. Talk to an elder care attorney about how to legally spend down their assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your first stop should be looking at your county's resources for aging. As an example, here is Fairfax's: https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/familyservices/older-adults.

I worked closely with them in the past, and was able to get an elderly widowed aunt help paying for an assisted living community. (Basically, her entire SS check goes to the facility, but has minimal expenses beyond that.)

Make that phone call!

Thank you!