Ever destroy your life for a relationship that didn’t work out?

[Anonymous]

I almost left my wife for another lady. Was going thru a bad stretch. I can relate

[Anonymous]

Yes, but it was a job, not a relationship. I’m still rebuilding. It’s hard and I have regrets, but I also recognize that the version of myself who made these bad choices did the best she could with the tools at her disposal.

Something that helps me is reading biographies of people who reinvented themselves after tragedy.

[Anonymous]

OP - you didn’t blow up your life. This IS your life and you will continue living with whatever wisdom you’ve learned from this lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was already divorced when this happened.

I did not have an AP. I don’t know if my ex spouse did and I don’t care. I realized I could not stay in a marriage where my spouse would never, ever see me as an equal and continued to put me down year after year. No matter what I achieved, I could not make them happy. I was desperate to be loved and after the divorce I did get involved with someone who ultimately could not commit. I lost myself in the process.

There were other factors at play: the pandemic, schools being closed, changes in my job, and needing space from my ex and not wanting to stay in the house with so many unhappy memories.

Obviously the biggest mistake ever was marrying them in the first place, but I got my kids from that so I don’t think it was all a mistake.

I don’t ever want to lose myself like that again. I’m gonna ignore you haters. I came here in hopes that someone would share their experiences of moving on.

What was the financial hit then? Moving to another place to be with him?

[Anonymous]

Okay, so you were already divorced and moved too fast with a new partner. Maybe sold the marital home and moved in with the new guy too fast, then it didn't work out and both you and the kids were traumatized for the second time?

Does that roughly cover it?

You'll bounce back. It will be hard, and maybe slow, but you will. My only advice is to focus on your kids now, and for a long time to come. Forget repartnering until they are completely stable, and until you figure out how to fix your "picker" and find someone willing to take it slow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was already divorced when this happened.

I did not have an AP. I don’t know if my ex spouse did and I don’t care. I realized I could not stay in a marriage where my spouse would never, ever see me as an equal and continued to put me down year after year. No matter what I achieved, I could not make them happy. I was desperate to be loved and after the divorce I did get involved with someone who ultimately could not commit. I lost myself in the process.

There were other factors at play: the pandemic, schools being closed, changes in my job, and needing space from my ex and not wanting to stay in the house with so many unhappy memories.

Obviously the biggest mistake ever was marrying them in the first place, but I got my kids from that so I don’t think it was all a mistake.

I don’t ever want to lose myself like that again. I’m gonna ignore you haters. I came here in hopes that someone would share their experiences of moving on.

OP, I think this is what you are reacting to. You had a terrible marriage and husband, but you held out the hope that you could find love the next time around. Being in an abusive long term relationship probably made you ripe for attention from the wrong kind of person, who took some advantage of you. Those people are a dime a dozen. Don’t let one (or two) guys dash your hope. There are good people in the world - for dating, friendship. Now you simply know better what works for you and what doesn’t. The best way to find yourself is not through another person by the way. The most joy is found in being with people (kids, parents, friends) while being free to be yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, so you were already divorced and moved too fast with a new partner. Maybe sold the marital home and moved in with the new guy too fast, then it didn't work out and both you and the kids were traumatized for the second time?

Does that roughly cover it?

You'll bounce back. It will be hard, and maybe slow, but you will. My only advice is to focus on your kids now, and for a long time to come. Forget repartnering until they are completely stable, and until you figure out how to fix your "picker" and find someone willing to take it slow.

I didn’t move in with anyone, just moved away. And I’m definitely not repartnering any time soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was already divorced when this happened.

I did not have an AP. I don’t know if my ex spouse did and I don’t care. I realized I could not stay in a marriage where my spouse would never, ever see me as an equal and continued to put me down year after year. No matter what I achieved, I could not make them happy. I was desperate to be loved and after the divorce I did get involved with someone who ultimately could not commit. I lost myself in the process.

There were other factors at play: the pandemic, schools being closed, changes in my job, and needing space from my ex and not wanting to stay in the house with so many unhappy memories.

Obviously the biggest mistake ever was marrying them in the first place, but I got my kids from that so I don’t think it was all a mistake.

I don’t ever want to lose myself like that again. I’m gonna ignore you haters. I came here in hopes that someone would share their experiences of moving on.

I left a similar marriage. I would say it ruined my life apart from my angelic child. I do not know what life I could have had had I left earlier. Maybe worse, maybe better. I don’t know if I could have healed my inner self worth in time to have kids otherwise. It forecloses my life and career and compromised my kids life majorly. I regret it but it’s entirely possible I might never have achieved what I wanted anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but it was a job, not a relationship. I’m still rebuilding. It’s hard and I have regrets, but I also recognize that the version of myself who made these bad choices did the best she could with the tools at her disposal.

Something that helps me is reading biographies of people who reinvented themselves after tragedy.

Name some please.

[Anonymous]

WOUld rather do what OP did during the dating than marry and have kids with someone who had emergent mental issues and now we're all stuck with them and their abuse forever, even coparenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was already divorced when this happened.

I did not have an AP. I don’t know if my ex spouse did and I don’t care. I realized I could not stay in a marriage where my spouse would never, ever see me as an equal and continued to put me down year after year. No matter what I achieved, I could not make them happy. I was desperate to be loved and after the divorce I did get involved with someone who ultimately could not commit. I lost myself in the process.

There were other factors at play: the pandemic, schools being closed, changes in my job, and needing space from my ex and not wanting to stay in the house with so many unhappy memories.

Obviously the biggest mistake ever was marrying them in the first place, but I got my kids from that so I don’t think it was all a mistake.

I don’t ever want to lose myself like that again. I’m gonna ignore you haters. I came here in hopes that someone would share their experiences of moving on.

OP, I think this is what you are reacting to. You had a terrible marriage and husband, but you held out the hope that you could find love the next time around. Being in an abusive long term relationship probably made you ripe for attention from the wrong kind of person, who took some advantage of you. Those people are a dime a dozen. Don’t let one (or two) guys dash your hope. There are good people in the world - for dating, friendship. Now you simply know better what works for you and what doesn’t. The best way to find yourself is not through another person by the way. The most joy is found in being with people (kids, parents, friends) while being free to be yourself.

ehh, in my case I didn't trust people very easily and had to only date people I knew previously or were set up with. I skip online dating entirely, no time or energy for sifting through BS after being married to BS for 12 years prior.

[Anonymous]

OP, you probably can't trust yourself after that. Say single.