I'm worried my 4.5 year old is already a mean girl!

[Anonymous]

My daughter is very shy and acts like this (and frequently refuses to look at people who are talking to her). We have talked about how we understand it is very difficult for her to talk to people, but that other people perceive it as rude, so at a minimum if someone says hello, she needs to look up at them and wave.

[Anonymous]

I would not call this mean behavior.

I absolutely can’t stand when my children don’t respond. I would teach her how to say no respectfully.

[Anonymous]

This exactly described my son at the same age. We thought that he was just dealing with anxiety and social awkwardness, but later on in 3rd grade he was diagnosed with high functioning autism. It has gotten much better as he has gotten older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for putting it in perspective. It may be anxiety (her dad has anxiety) and I suppose she could be on the spectrum (her grandfather is). Let's say she has social anxiety or general anxiety--would it still be appropriate to try and force her to respond to people? I often repeatedly try to get her to respond, but most of the time she doesn't. I don't know if it matters, but she does have some close friends, and is a little chatterbox with them!

Being a chatterbox with close friends and family and being anxious around others is totally normal. I have no idea why you equate this with being a "mean girl."

Rather than forcing her to interact, coach her every time about what she should do or say in the moment. At other times, perhaps practice things she can say when someone says hi or wants to play -- talk about it but also role-play so she can practice saying it. It can be helpful for kids to have a script.

[Anonymous]

This is not mean girl behavior. This is the opposite - a child who needs help socially. Give her the support she needs now because this could get worse as she ages.

[Anonymous]

My autistic son does this. It would never occur to him to be deliberately rude, he just freezes up in situations like this.

[Anonymous]

Anxiety

[Anonymous]

Agree w others that she is definitely not a mean girl. My daughter 5 struggles with this kinds of social interactions out of her comfort zone and I very gently remind her to say hello or whatever. Many times she doesn’t but when she does I make sure to praise her and I can see how proud she is of herself for what seems to us adults like a very simple ask but, but for little kids with anxiety can be a very big hurdle for them. Your daughter is still young so I’d expect it to get better with age. If it doesn’t you can always bring it up with her doctor to see if she needs to be evaluated.

[Anonymous]

Do not force her. That is a good way to amp up the anxiety.

Just model an expected response, and evaluate if you think it could be far enough out of the norm.

[Anonymous]

I know a teen girl like this and it has caused social problems- no friends. Her parents isolated her from people outside their religion growing up and so she only would speak to certain people. Now as a teen she comes off rude, awkward and weird in social settings. Her parents should have corrected her early on. It may be too late for her to learn how to be social.

[Anonymous]

Talk to about how to respond in specific situations, and then reward her when she does it.

For example, I used to give my DD stickers for saying “hi” to the teachers on the way into school or for responding appropriately when someone spoke to her.

You said it yourself — she’s shy. Social anxiety needs support. Don’t label her as “rude” and certainly don’t punish her.

[Anonymous]

Mean girl behavior is a super socially skilled girl who uses her social skills to manipulate and exclude other and remain in a high social status

Your daughter sounds rude and socially awkward, which is different

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds incredibly anxious.

+10000

[Anonymous]

My DD was just like OP’s DD and she’s still like this no ( age 9), she said she’s too shy and didn’t know what to respond, or she didn’t want to play etc, we taught her to just say hi at least, she wouldn’t do further unless she wanted.