I'm worried my 4.5 year old is already a mean girl!

[Anonymous]

My daughter has always been shy, but now she's also very rude to people. For example, a classmate will say hi to her and she'll just stare at them, or an extended family member will ask her a question and she'll ignore them. Sometimes a classmate will run up and ask to play with her, and she'll just walk away like she didn't even see/hear them. She'll even do things like this to her dad/my husband! I've always said she doesn't have to hug anyone or touch in any way, but how can I encourage her to at least acknowledge people talking to her? I obviously can't force her to talk...

I'd also like to hear from parents who had a child like this--did your child outgrow it, or is this just a personality trait?

[Anonymous]

Call her out on rude behavior, every single time. Nicely of course and from a place of love. Not as a criticism, but as a correction.

She totally ignores someone, you intervene and tell her, “Jane asked you if you want to play. You need to respond yes or no thank you.” If she is flat out mean, then let her know and provide the appropriate correction.

Plus take note in what shows she may be watching. Some kids showing display really catty, mean, and sassy behavior, especially in the female character

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter has always been shy, but now she's also very rude to people. For example, a classmate will say hi to her and she'll just stare at them, or an extended family member will ask her a question and she'll ignore them. Sometimes a classmate will run up and ask to play with her, and she'll just walk away like she didn't even see/hear them. She'll even do things like this to her dad/my husband! I've always said she doesn't have to hug anyone or touch in any way, but how can I encourage her to at least acknowledge people talking to her? I obviously can't force her to talk...

I'd also like to hear from parents who had a child like this--did your child outgrow it, or is this just a personality trait?

Maybe follow up on this. It may be a clue as something is off and not mean behavior.

[Anonymous]

This doesn't sound rude/mean to me. More like she doesn't know how to react to unwanted social interactions. Could she be on the spectrum?

[Anonymous]

My kid was like that and it was her first signs of social anxiety.

[Anonymous]

She sounds incredibly anxious.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for putting it in perspective. It may be anxiety (her dad has anxiety) and I suppose she could be on the spectrum (her grandfather is). Let's say she has social anxiety or general anxiety--would it still be appropriate to try and force her to respond to people? I often repeatedly try to get her to respond, but most of the time she doesn't. I don't know if it matters, but she does have some close friends, and is a little chatterbox with them!

[Anonymous]

My daughter was also like this! Although I chalked it up to extreme shyness, not necessarily mean girl behavior. I told her it’s ok to be shy but not rude. I told her when a friend says hello you have to at least wave. So all through 3s preschool she would wave. By pre-k I asked her to start replying back either hello or goodbye. Once K started, we talked about initiating a hello. She knows her K friends so well now that there’s no shyness anymore. The fact that your daughter is chatty with her close friends is a good sign I think!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for putting it in perspective. It may be anxiety (her dad has anxiety) and I suppose she could be on the spectrum (her grandfather is). Let's say she has social anxiety or general anxiety--would it still be appropriate to try and force her to respond to people? I often repeatedly try to get her to respond, but most of the time she doesn't. I don't know if it matters, but she does have some close friends, and is a little chatterbox with them!

I’m PP with child with anxiety… when she’s with friends you would have no idea. Super outgoing, loud, chatty. Other people she’s not close with, it’s not unusual for her to walk right past them, not want to say hello, etc.

[Anonymous]

Teach her how to respond to social situations.

[Anonymous]

This was me as a child, teenager and adult. I was always told that I was rude or stuck up. Later on, I went to therapy as an adult and she told me I have social anxiety. I never really realized it but after doing research, it was so spot on. I need lots of break from people and interactions. I wouldn’t force her to say hi or to respond. Speak up for her. She is a bit quiet now but I am sure she will say hi in a little bit. I never understood forcing someone to talk or shake someone’s hand.

[Anonymous]

Agree this could be neurodiversity/not understanding social cues/shyness rather than rudeness. I have a kid around the same age and was expecting to open this and see intentionally rude/bratty behavior. This is not that. I would try to talk to her about it and if she can't/won't speak to it or it persists, talk to your ped. Girls are able to mask signs of autism a lot more easily than boys so it is harder to pin down sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for putting it in perspective. It may be anxiety (her dad has anxiety) and I suppose she could be on the spectrum (her grandfather is). Let's say she has social anxiety or general anxiety--would it still be appropriate to try and force her to respond to people? I often repeatedly try to get her to respond, but most of the time she doesn't. I don't know if it matters, but she does have some close friends, and is a little chatterbox with them!

No, don't force her. Maybe follow up with an evaluation? That way you know for certain and can have a plan .

[Anonymous]

its anxiety and possibly ADD. My daughter is now 9 and dealing with this. What first presented as shyness now comes across as rude. She will stare at kids at lot. Even kids she knows will say hi walking by the house and she has a hard time acknowledging them. A therapist is helping a bit but we are going to try meds next. All that aside, once she warms up, the kids love her and she makes friends. But never wants to a invite them over. She says her "body is not ready" which is a sign of anxiety.

[Anonymous]

This is my 5 year old and she is very socially anxious. She is normal and chatty when she’s in the midst of her circle or with known teachers and adults, but doesn’t feel comfortable with hello / goodbye, or being “cornered” with questions, especially in new situations or with people she doesn’t know. Even in her “safe” spaces, she takes a while to assess the situation and warm up. She’s not being rude - she is anxious, and we try to work with her, not punish her.