Discussing Past Sexual Assault

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there are children involved and you have an ongoing relationship with this person. I feel like your spouse has a right to know their grandparent sexually abused children. You cannot guarantee they won't harm your kids and you also can't guarantee that you will always be around to protect them.

He is in a nursing home now not really mobile and will die soon so this isn’t a concern for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there are children involved and you have an ongoing relationship with this person. I feel like your spouse has a right to know their grandparent sexually abused children. You cannot guarantee they won't harm your kids and you also can't guarantee that you will always be around to protect them.

Survivor here. my trauma therapist said i should really feel in control of who i tell, how much i tell, when i tell, and that no one is owed my story. that includes my husband, friends, even other women in my survivor peer group.

that said, yes, a situation where a child molester could be interacting with my children is an exception to this stance and would be grounds for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Enough. Not every last awful detail, but enough. And so does my son. It hasn't been one conversation, obviously, but there was one incident when one of them made some crack at the dinner table years ago...my kid was an older teen at the time...I sat them both the hell down on the couch, cracked open a beer, and told them my whole damn story...tears and all. Made them watch me cry about it. That got the point across.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there are children involved and you have an ongoing relationship with this person. I feel like your spouse has a right to know their grandparent sexually abused children. You cannot guarantee they won't harm your kids and you also can't guarantee that you will always be around to protect them.

Survivor here. my trauma therapist said i should really feel in control of who i tell, how much i tell, when i tell, and that no one is owed my story. that includes my husband, friends, even other women in my survivor peer group.

that said, yes, a situation where a child molester could be interacting with my children is an exception to this stance and would be grounds for divorce.

Really? You would divorce your spouse and break up your family over something that has not even happened? We are talking about a past offense not a current one.

[Anonymous]

My spouse knows some of childhood sexual assault and over sexualization as a young teen by older men. I don’t have sexual issues. My trauma cause me to hate myself and my body. This has come up between us. I work with my therapist, but the trauma bleeds over to our life.

DH has told me in very broad strokes about his childhood sexual abuse. He still has sexual hang ups, and it’s helped me be more understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there are children involved and you have an ongoing relationship with this person. I feel like your spouse has a right to know their grandparent sexually abused children. You cannot guarantee they won't harm your kids and you also can't guarantee that you will always be around to protect them.

He is in a nursing home now not really mobile and will die soon so this isn’t a concern for my kids.

A story I have heard many times...grandpa on the deathbed.

Becomes let's just bring the kids by,

And if you think old and sick men are harmless talk to some nursing home or hospice nurses.

There's also the scenario were grandpa outlives mom and dad brings the kids over to the grandparents because he thinks that's what mom would have wanted.

Just make sure your DH knows under no circumstances are your parents to be alone with your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Enough. Not every last awful detail, but enough. And so does my son. It hasn't been one conversation, obviously, but there was one incident when one of them made some crack at the dinner table years ago...my kid was an older teen at the time...I sat them both the hell down on the couch, cracked open a beer, and told them my whole damn story...tears and all. Made them watch me cry about it. That got the point across.

Pp who was abused as a teen. My young teen boys know nothing about my history. I don't know if I will ever tell them. Maybe when they are full adults (25+)? I remember being 18 and finding out my mom was molested by her stepfather. I was devastated for many reasons. Most of all, I wondered if I would have gotten involved with a psycho abuser if I had known they existed. My parents gave me zero guidance and I fell in with a predator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there are children involved and you have an ongoing relationship with this person. I feel like your spouse has a right to know their grandparent sexually abused children. You cannot guarantee they won't harm your kids and you also can't guarantee that you will always be around to protect them.

Survivor here. my trauma therapist said i should really feel in control of who i tell, how much i tell, when i tell, and that no one is owed my story. that includes my husband, friends, even other women in my survivor peer group.

that said, yes, a situation where a child molester could be interacting with my children is an exception to this stance and would be grounds for divorce.

Really? You would divorce your spouse and break up your family over something that has not even happened? We are talking about a past offense not a current one.

Knowingly exposing your children to a child abuser is a current offense and yes a divorce worthy one

[Anonymous]

This is a sensitive subject. If you are in an established relationship and your partner has no idea you are suffering effects of abuse, they will be blindsided if/when they find out. That's where broad strokes come in. You can slowly reveal that you are having memories and struggling with past trauma. It will be okay, just tell the story bit by bit over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Enough. Not every last awful detail, but enough. And so does my son. It hasn't been one conversation, obviously, but there was one incident when one of them made some crack at the dinner table years ago...my kid was an older teen at the time...I sat them both the hell down on the couch, cracked open a beer, and told them my whole damn story...tears and all. Made them watch me cry about it. That got the point across.

Pp who was abused as a teen. My young teen boys know nothing about my history. I don't know if I will ever tell them. Maybe when they are full adults (25+)? I remember being 18 and finding out my mom was molested by her stepfather. I was devastated for many reasons. Most of all, I wondered if I would have gotten involved with a psycho abuser if I had known they existed. My parents gave me zero guidance and I fell in with a predator.

Back here to add that I realize it sounds like I blame myself and my upbringing for what he did to me. I hold him responsible, but there was dysfunction, including neglect, which left 14 yo me vulnerable and a lot happened before anyone noticed.

[Anonymous]

It's interesting ( not sure if right word English is limited) how abuse impacts generations of family . How shame and fear keeps people from having talks they should have with their children, people pressured to protect the abuser so other family doesn't get upset and abuse continues Really shows the evil of the thing. Very sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting ( not sure if right word English is limited) how abuse impacts generations of family . How shame and fear keeps people from having talks they should have with their children, people pressured to protect the abuser so other family doesn't get upset and abuse continues Really shows the evil of the thing. Very sad.

I feel an intense drive to protect the abused at my own expense. I do not understand why this happens. I know what he did was his responsibility and wrong. And yet I cannot bring myself to hurt him. Why is that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting ( not sure if right word English is limited) how abuse impacts generations of family . How shame and fear keeps people from having talks they should have with their children, people pressured to protect the abuser so other family doesn't get upset and abuse continues Really shows the evil of the thing. Very sad.

I feel an intense drive to protect the abused at my own expense. I do not understand why this happens. I know what he did was his responsibility and wrong. And yet I cannot bring myself to hurt him. Why is that.

^meant “the abuser.”