Discussing Past Sexual Assault

[Anonymous]

How much does your spouse know about your experience/trauma?

[Anonymous]

Not much. I had worked through a lot of it before we met. Mine is a little different though because it was childhood molestation so I didn’t fully remember the incident until recently (13 years of marriage). It definitely impacted my first few relationships, but by the time I was late 20s I had worked through a lot of it.

[Anonymous]

He knows a lot. I wake up with nightmares and am hyper vigilant about our DDs personal safety and discuss consent

[Anonymous]

I think not. Together over 15 years and married over 13. My first sexual experience was in college non consensual and very bad one at that, not just lack of consent but worse. It would not help to talk to DH about.

I knew of two molesters in DH's town growing up as friends brought up this school official etc. But I was surprised only recently DH brought up a personal experience.

I have gone to therapy though don't typically talk about that. DH not a therapy type person he'd say. But I think it's a good option for anyone and my therapy experiences have benefitted me in being able to support friends and family. I have also been able to talk though something that happened in my town involving a school official (not to me), DH initially said the victims were at fault and I said absolutely not and was able to talk about that aspect.

[Anonymous]

Some. I’ve become more open about it as I understand how it’s impacted me.

[Anonymous]

My dh knows everything I went through with a psychopath boyfriend when I was a teen. I've shared what happened in broad strokes, because 1. I had/have therapists to help me heal from the trauma and 2. Because he doesn't need to know the specifics, it would only hurt him more than knowing I was abused. Even therapists who are trained to help victims of sexual brutality need therapists to help support them. The first therapist I saw, who helped with my PTSD told me that. Regular lay people, especially those who love us could really be hurt to know the horrible details. Broad strokes.

[Anonymous]

I tried to tell my husband about being molested by my dad and he didn’t take it well, so I never brought it up again. I wish he could support me more but I have an awesome therapist I can speak to about it when I need to….

[Anonymous]

^^. Very sorry to hear of the experiences of the prior two PPs and attempts to discuss what you went through. Some people aren’t equipped to understand or handle these types of discussions. Confiding to an experienced mental health expert is good because they understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship and can make you understand, on a deep level, that it was not your fault. Also they view you as strong for speaking up and addressing this.

[Anonymous]

I am very interested in why people feel that this is something they cannot discuss with their spouse assuming they have already discussed with a professional. What in the spouses response is different about this from another difficult emotional issue? I have a similar thing I have never discussed with anyone and I feel it alienated me from potential partners bc they may be repelled by it but will also never really know me without knowing this about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very interested in why people feel that this is something they cannot discuss with their spouse assuming they have already discussed with a professional. What in the spouses response is different about this from another difficult emotional issue? I have a similar thing I have never discussed with anyone and I feel it alienated me from potential partners bc they may be repelled by it but will also never really know me without knowing this about me.

I think it is hard to process. In my case it was my dad who molested me. I still see him and my spouse has a relationship with him too. Do I want to introduce another element of anger into that? I decided not to. I also don't know how it would help my relationship with my spouse to know this. He and I deal with my hang-ups well enough that we function healthily.

I cannot say the same for my first few relationships some of which didn't work out in part because of my sexual hang ups. Once I got counseling and resolved my issues within my self I was more open to a healthy relationship with normal boundaries and sexual intimacy so the conversation wasn't even really necessary if that makes sense. I think my husband does know me well and we are very close. I think we are both content with our current sex and emotional life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am very interested in why people feel that this is something they cannot discuss with their spouse assuming they have already discussed with a professional. What in the spouses response is different about this from another difficult emotional issue? I have a similar thing I have never discussed with anyone and I feel it alienated me from potential partners bc they may be repelled by it but will also never really know me without knowing this about me.

I think it is hard to process. In my case it was my dad who molested me. I still see him and my spouse has a relationship with him too. Do I want to introduce another element of anger into that? I decided not to. I also don't know how it would help my relationship with my spouse to know this. He and I deal with my hang-ups well enough that we function healthily.

I cannot say the same for my first few relationships some of which didn't work out in part because of my sexual hang ups. Once I got counseling and resolved my issues within my self I was more open to a healthy relationship with normal boundaries and sexual intimacy so the conversation wasn't even really necessary if that makes sense. I think my husband does know me well and we are very close. I think we are both content with our current sex and emotional life.

So your husband does not know this about you or your dad? I am sexually healthy. I just cannot imagine how I carry this secret around for the rest of my life. I feel like that gives it more power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am very interested in why people feel that this is something they cannot discuss with their spouse assuming they have already discussed with a professional. What in the spouses response is different about this from another difficult emotional issue? I have a similar thing I have never discussed with anyone and I feel it alienated me from potential partners bc they may be repelled by it but will also never really know me without knowing this about me.

I think it is hard to process. In my case it was my dad who molested me. I still see him and my spouse has a relationship with him too. Do I want to introduce another element of anger into that? I decided not to. I also don't know how it would help my relationship with my spouse to know this. He and I deal with my hang-ups well enough that we function healthily.

I cannot say the same for my first few relationships some of which didn't work out in part because of my sexual hang ups. Once I got counseling and resolved my issues within my self I was more open to a healthy relationship with normal boundaries and sexual intimacy so the conversation wasn't even really necessary if that makes sense. I think my husband does know me well and we are very close. I think we are both content with our current sex and emotional life.

So your husband does not know this about you or your dad? I am sexually healthy. I just cannot imagine how I carry this secret around for the rest of my life. I feel like that gives it more power.

Then you shouldn’t. I felt like it would have disrupted too much especially since I no longer depended upon my parents for much financially or emotionally after college. The confrontation would have been too big and I only visited/saw my parents in maybe 1-2 hour long bursts. If it becomes important than maybe after my dad dies I will say something? Maybe this is just part of the compartmentalization of the abuse, but it is where I am. I do understand if that doesn’t work for you. I’m not sure everything needs to be “brought into the light” publicly (even within my family) for me to have healed from it. I don’t know that the secrecy still gives it power. I think I own that power, I give the situation power or not based upon my action and my dad owns the shame.

[Anonymous]

Sorry I give the situation power or not based upon my actions. Meaning whether the abuse is something that I still feel the affects of (freezing during or before sex, not wanting certain fairly normal acts etc). I was that way, but am no longer feeling those affects, so I am no longer giving the situation power, and don’t necessarily need it to be “brought to light” to heal from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very interested in why people feel that this is something they cannot discuss with their spouse assuming they have already discussed with a professional. What in the spouses response is different about this from another difficult emotional issue? I have a similar thing I have never discussed with anyone and I feel it alienated me from potential partners bc they may be repelled by it but will also never really know me without knowing this about me.

I have told my dh that I was physically, sexually and psychologically abused, I just didn't describe the experiences in detail. Even giving the broad strokes made him feel murderous toward the psycho who abused me. This person stalked me for nearly a decade and dh and I had a run in with him. He wanted to kill the guy. My dh is wonderful and I need him with me, not in a jail cell. It has been well over 20 years since that run in and I believe my dh would still want to kill the guy. If I shared specific details, he'd probably hunt him down.

[Anonymous]

If there are children involved and you have an ongoing relationship with this person. I feel like your spouse has a right to know their grandparent sexually abused children. You cannot guarantee they won't harm your kids and you also can't guarantee that you will always be around to protect them.